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He wants to move out but still stay in a relationship

(190 Posts)
CockLodgerornah Fri 26-Jun-20 15:50:20

I’ll try not to drip feed.

I met DP at the start of 2019.
He moved in with me in February 2020 and we got engaged.

A month after both of those things happened, lockdown happened. March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and if he had the choice he’d move back out. He couldn’t as he had a tenant, who will move out November 2020.

We agree to work through things. June 2020 he confirms he definitely doesn’t want to get married and he definitely will be moving out in November. He still wants to be in a relationship, he just thinks cohabiting is not for him

I love him. I really do but.....after a shit marriage, I thought I’d found someone on the same wavelength as me. I thought, I could happily spend the rest of my life with DP. DP isn’t saying he doesn’t want that, just not in the same house. And I don’t think I’m okay with that but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I enjoy going to sleep next to him every night, I enjoy domestic life. We bloody went and got two cats together (which you know, I’m fine on keeping, I adore them)

He said, if he moves out he will be far more relaxed and will want to do things with me rather than shutting himself away all the time. But if he moves out, I’m suddenly paying all the bills again and I’ll be really tight on finances (his mortgage is half my rent etc).

Would you stay in this relationship if you loved him? I feel like I’d be sacrificing what I want from life. But he’s sacrificing what he wants from life at the moment as he thinks he’s just designed to live alone.

If you really love someone should you fight for it, how do you know when you should walk away. The thought of not having him at all is devastating and I’m worried that I’m being a bit dramatic. I can get over the not marrying thing, despite having told my family we were. (We kinda asked each other, rather than him proposing).

I’m worried that I’ll make the decision just to move on, when I could accept what he has to offer and I might be happy. I don’t think I’d want a relationship where we live apart for the rest of our lives. It makes no financial sense but apparently makes emotional sense to him. Am I being unreasonable, should I put myself first? Should I accept what he has to offer?

OP’s posts: |
Farontothemaddingcrowd Fri 26-Jun-20 15:52:53

No I wouldn’t be able to cope with that personally. I would be very hurt and want to move on. I would wonder why he’s suddenly backtracking and I would suspect it was his way of slowly ending the relationship. I suspect further hurt will lie ahead if you persist with this man. How will you ever be able to trust anything he says again?flowers

Viragoesque Fri 26-Jun-20 15:58:36

We agree to work through things. June 2020 he confirms he definitely doesn’t want to get married and he definitely will be moving out in November. He still wants to be in a relationship, he just thinks cohabiting is not for him

Regardless of whether you want to continue the relationship, I would be telling him to pack his bags now. He doesn't get to audition you as a wife, decide you're not up to scratch and then inform you that he's going to continue to live with you for months anyway because he's got a tenant in his own house. That's just something he's going to have to deal with.

Absolutely I know someone people for whom cohabiting hasn't worked, and who live happy, fulfilled and committed relationships while living apart, but he must have very little respect for you to assume you'll be OK with househaring with him for six months after he's ended your engagement and told you he doesn't want to live with you, but will just have to put up with it for a while.

You deserve better.

Mamadoll Fri 26-Jun-20 15:59:31

Do not settle for what he has to offer, it's not even close to what you want. You deserve to have more than he is willing to commit to. Sounds like he wants to break things off but will happily continue to use you for sex.

CockLodgerornah Fri 26-Jun-20 16:00:37

Mamadoll

Do not settle for what he has to offer, it's not even close to what you want. You deserve to have more than he is willing to commit to. Sounds like he wants to break things off but will happily continue to use you for sex.

Oh the sex died a month ago..... because he’s stressed

OP’s posts: |
altiara Fri 26-Jun-20 16:02:21

I’d get to move out now too

SpillTheTeaa Fri 26-Jun-20 16:02:19

Sorry but I think he's cheating. Do not do what he wants. He'll play you like a fiddle whilst acting like a slag. Pack his stuff and chuck him out now. Not your problem he has no where to go.

readingismycardio Fri 26-Jun-20 16:03:00

So he moved into your place, can't move back to his because he has a tenant so actually earns money from his property, but going to move out in November, which is as soon as he can. He's taking advantage. Kick him out and move on. You deserve much better

Northernsoullover Fri 26-Jun-20 16:03:18

If the sex died that doesn't sound good. It makes me wonder if he's breaking up with you by degrees.

Proudboomer Fri 26-Jun-20 16:03:28

I don’t see why you could never trust what he says again. He is being very honest with you. He could string you along with vague promises for the future but then leave as soon as he was ina position to do so.

He has decided that living together is not what he wants but still wants to maintain a girl/boyfriend relationship. He has been very clear on this.
You shouldn’t stay with him if you are hoping to change his mind further down the road nor should you stay with him if you want more than he is willing to give.

This sort of relationship works for some but if you want more than you should walk away as you will soon resent the limitations he has imposed and it is better to part on good terms than to be in a relationship full of resentment.

Flittingabout Fri 26-Jun-20 16:04:02

I think there is very little history here and this new relationship has run its course for him but he doesn't want to hurt you and just leave. It is quite normal after a few months of realising this isn't for me.

Sorry OP.

WannabeJolie Fri 26-Jun-20 16:04:02

You’re worth more. Personally I would end it. If you stay you’ll end up destroying your self esteem.

TorkTorkBam Fri 26-Jun-20 16:05:26

What he wants is not what you want. Incompatible. Good job you found out now.

Stuffing down your own needs to meet someone else's is not fighting for a relationship.

I reckon he is saying all this because he is too chicken to break up while you are still living together. A fortnight after he's out he will break up with you I bet.

TooTrueToBeGood Fri 26-Jun-20 16:06:46

My attempt at simplifying the situation:

You've tried living together. The end result is that it's proved you are not compatible. End it and move on so that you (and he) can find someone you are compatible with.

timeisnotaline Fri 26-Jun-20 16:07:09

I think you should get him to leave now. He has income from his tenant, he can find something. You’re being used as a convenience not a relationship.

Sharpandshineyteeth Fri 26-Jun-20 16:07:26

He could argue that if you really love someone you want to continue a relationship even if you don’t live together.

The only question really is; is this what you want? Are you prepared to compromise?

I wouldn’t be angry at him or blame him. He’s realised living with someone isn’t for him. What is he meant to do? Ignore it and pretend?

SapatSea Fri 26-Jun-20 16:07:32

Sounds like you want a proper partner and he wants an as and when girlfriend. So tough a call for you to make. Do you think it is a low slow death of things and he wants and cares for you but just not enough to live with right now. Are you young and it's too soon to settle down for him or are you an older couple and he is more set in his ways and can't make the move over to sharing every day?

GrimDamnFanjo Fri 26-Jun-20 16:07:59

End it yourself and ask him to move out ASAP. None of this waiting until it's convenient for him.
Look after yourself - he's trying to break up with you but doesn't have the balls.

Chungus Fri 26-Jun-20 16:09:54

If the sex has gone and he doesn't want what you want then I really don't think there's much to stay together for. I agree, he's dumping you by degrees because he wants to stay there until he can get his place back.

The love is worth fighting for thing is just a load of nonsense. He doesn't want to live with you, marry you or have sex with you. What's true love about that? There really is no such thing as true love anyway, but that certainly ain't it!

DisobedientHamster Fri 26-Jun-20 16:11:12

Love is respect, and if you don't love and respect yourself first, no one else will, either, as your boyfriend is showing you. It's all about him and what he wants, isn't it? And you doing the pick me dance. Just stop. He doesn't get to blow hot and cold, dither and then decide to bloody use you as a place to stop for another 4 months! He's using you.

Honestly fuck that! You'd have to be an utter doormat to allow him to crash at yours for more time, with him making you feel responsible for his 'stress', not give a toss about your feelings, move out and then expect you to still be there ready to go out with him.

I'd tell him he needs to leave by the end of the month and that it's over. Not your problem where he goes. He's got a house he can borrow against it or find a flatshare or whatever.

What an arsehole to treat you like this.

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.'

Toilenstripes Fri 26-Jun-20 16:13:21

I agree with others that he’s trying to break up with you in stages. He wants out, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you wouldn’t even think of making such a compromise.

CockLodgerornah Fri 26-Jun-20 16:14:01

Sorry I’ve got to dash out but can elaborate more later.

I do believe he cares for me, he offered to move out and rent somewhere for the next 4 months. But he also said he’d like to stay here with me until he leaves (I found that a bit odd after he had said he wants to live on his own).

He pays me the Income from his tenant towards my bills so he’s not financially better off or worse either way, it’s just me who is.

I’m not angry any and I don’t blame him for feeling how he feels. I understand people aren’t always compatible. It’s just, I love him so much! And I know he loves me. But love doesn’t conquer all does it, and there are other fish in the sea for both of us. We would both be in a lot of pain if we broke up, but I wonder if the short term pain would be far better than either of us compromising. I’m 31, he is 33 I think that still counts as young?

OP’s posts: |
DisobedientHamster Fri 26-Jun-20 16:14:49

Sharpandshineyteeth

He could argue that if you really love someone you want to continue a relationship even if you don’t live together.

The only question really is; is this what you want? Are you prepared to compromise?

I wouldn’t be angry at him or blame him. He’s realised living with someone isn’t for him. What is he meant to do? Ignore it and pretend?

Erm, move out. Not tell the OP she has to put up with it all until it's convenient for him. End the relationship and let her move on since she wants someone she can co-habitat with.

You could equally argue that if you really love someone but you are incompatible, you show them respect by ending it so they can move on and find someone else.

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness Fri 26-Jun-20 16:16:09

He wants to move out but he can't yet as it's not convenient until November. So he's going to move out in November. He's basically using you, & your house, until then. Why are you letting him - he's already checked out of the relationship. If you are going to break up (you will) do it on your terms, not his.

Chungus Fri 26-Jun-20 16:16:43

Do you want children ever? Because it's not going to happen with this guy. You need to cut your losses.

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