MIL

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

So me & Mil have never really got on, but I’ve always let things go & tried to get along.
She’s recently said some really nasty stuff about me to her side of the family and I’ve heard about it! When DH confronted her she owned up. He’s not really spoken to her much in 3 weeks (maybe twice) I’ve not spoken to her neither. She hadn’t seen our kids since start of lockdown and since locked down eased she’s rang my DH on 14th June and demanded she’s coming over to see the kids. Obviously he said NO! Since then she said more nasty things about me and I’ve put my foot down and said she can’t see the kids at all!
I don’t need poison in my life! DH has accepted what I’ve said but has been abit snappy recently... I’m worried it’s eating him up inside.
Was I fair to stand my ground and say she can’t see my kids (really not using them as a weapon, I just feel she will poison them aswell and say nasty stuff to them)

[Bridecilla]

Depends what she said really

[maddy68]

Need to know what she said and the context

[frazzledasarock]

I agree with you.

Anyone spreading poison about me and bad mouthing me does not get to be allowed to spread their toxicity to my dc.

Your DH clearly agrees as he’s confronted her and agreed with you.
He may find it hard to carry it through as he’s had his mother’s behaviour normalised to him throughout his life. But importantly he recognises she is abusive.

Young children don’t need to be around people who bad mouth and lie about their parents it’s not healthy for them.

[maddy68]

And you are probably using the kids as a weapon. Just don't see her yourself but I wouldn't stop my husband going there with the kids ( unless she was doing or saying something harmful)

[LemonadeAndDaisyChains]

Obviously he said NO! Since then she said more nasty things about me and I’ve put my foot down and said she can’t see the kids at all!

This bit stands out - she says she wants to come over, the fact that you both understandably have said no if she's been saying nasty things about you that she's admitted to - why is she then what sounds like taking it out on you?! Has she said more nasty things as you've said no to her?! If so why to you, if your partner has said no to her as well?!
That'd piss me off too.

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

She basically said I’ve got something going on with my DH’s cousin who stayed with us from abroad in January! Absolutely ridiculous!

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

Maddy when she first started spreading rumours About me I told DH she is not welcome in our home, you can go and visit her with the kids! But after he has told her she’s not welcome to come to ours she’s then turned around & said my Dh has a fling with someone!
What rubbish this woman has in her brain!
That’s when I said she will not see my kids as I don’t want this sort of crap said to them!

[Ilovechinese]

No not unreasonable, I would not have her around either poisoning the minds of your innocent children. If she cant respect you their mother then she doesn't deserve to see them. Your husband can still see her but doesn't mean your children have to

[justilou1]

Wow! Her problem isn’t just with you then!

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

She loves to have a problem with everyone! She thinks only she is perfect! Evil woman!
Totally ilovechinese I’ve told him he can go ahead & visit her/speak to her but me & our kids won’t.

[recycledbottle]

I have a very difficult MIL so I understand but you and DH need to be on exactly the same page. My DH and DS do spend time with his family and I spend less. This all seems very rushed. If you dont want to have underlying issues with your DH you really need to discuss everything very throughly and take into consideration that his feelings(as it is his Mother) will be different to yours. If he seems annoyed with you, perhaps he doesnt agree with you but doesnt feel he can express that.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Cutting her out of your life, 100% your right. Deciding of your own accord that your kids should be too without evidence that she is abusing them is selfish.

[makingmammaries]

She is badmouthing you to others and scapegoating your DH too. I reckon you don’t need to allow her in your house, nor let her see the DCs elsewhere.

[crispysausagerolls]

@dontdisturbmenow

How is it selfish? To who?!

[AskingforaBaskin]

She is causing a problem between their parents. She is freely badmouthing their parents. So she can't be trusted around them. Therefore she isn't good enough and this is definitely a call for Op to make.

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

dontdisturbmenow I really don’t think I’m being selfish! She is mentally abusing all her near & dear! That’s what this woman is about. It’s had quiet a impact on my Dh through his life. I don’t want that for my kids.

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

She freely spreads rumours & bitches about EVERYONE! She absolutely loves to turn people against each other. Her plan is to basically turn everyone against each other but then everyone to talk to her only and not to each other! She tried to turn my neighbours against me who have told me themselves! They chose to keep in contact with me & not listen to her. I just want her out of my life. I’ve put a lot behind with her & let things go because I feel she’s alone & hasn’t got anyone, but I’m done trying & also made out to be the bad person.

[AskingforaBaskin]

I've been in a similar sort of situation
It's not fun and it's horrific.
But you need to sit your husband down, I recommend wine, and ask him are we going to let your mother cause our divorce.
And then work backwards. Go through everything with a fine tooth comb. She likes to divide and conquer?
The only way to beat her is to become united.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

I have a tricky relationship with my MIL - DH spends time with her and I try to avoid it wherever possible, but DH wouldn't stand for her nonsense which makes me more comfortable when she's around our DC. I think you need to decide with your DH if you're both willing to cut her out - they are his DC too, and you need to be united here.

It's not U to cut people out who are genuinely toxic. Everyone's families can be ridiculous and frustrating at times, but genuine toxic behaviour can do such lasting damage. Your duty must always be to protect your DC and if you and your DH truly believe she would say inappropriate things to your DC in order to continue her campaign, you must protect them from that.

[Mumofoneandanotherontheway]

I remember 2 years ago at this point my DC just turned 4, she was over & it was me her & my dc.
My DC came up to me & said ‘I love you mummy’.... she turned around and said ‘No, you should love only daddy first’ I gave her the most dirtiest look and didn’t say anything in front of my dc. Like this so much she’s said & done we always let it go. Dh spoke to her about that & why did she said what she did.... she totally denied it! she’s always trying to cause problems! I’m done being united with her. I 100% don’t want/need her in my life. With the children I’m not 100% sure is why I came on here. Her toxic behaviour can have a impact on them, she’s very manipulative.

[AskingforaBaskin]

You need somewhere safe to vent. You feel divided from this husband and your family in under threat. It's OK.
I once told my husband I loved him. But I hated his mother more than that love. And if he needed her I needed a divorce.

[MulticolourMophead]

Your posts show she has the ability and likely the willingness to poison your DC against you, so no YANBU to say she can't see them.

I agree with AskingforaBaskin about sitting down with your DH and thrashing it all out. Make sure you're on the same page.

[Ardessa]

I'm sure your MIL is my MIL except we don't have any DC. I have said when the time comes she won't have contact with them which DH is sad about but understands. My best friends MIL called her two DC fat and now one has an issue with food, people with MH who are unpredictable and turn nasty are not safe around children. The pp who said you not letting her see them is selfish, I disagree. You are protecting and safeguarding your DC. Definitely make sure you have a chat with your DH.

[Motoko]

If she was being physically abusive to them, nobody would be calling you selfish. Emotional abuse and manipulation is just as damaging as physical abuse, and parental alienation is recognised by the courts nowadays.

Your children should not spend any time with her, and I hope your DH sees that, and agrees with you.

[FrenchBoule]

What a spiteful cow 😡