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DP wants me to cut off my mother.(209 Posts)
My mother has severe MH issues - if she was a child today she’d be diagnosed with a whole range of issues but currently it’s just depression and anxiety.
She’s always been extremely difficult and my childhood wasn’t great with her - constantly treading on egg shells and a host of emotional/verbal abuse. I couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 and never went back. In my adult life I’ve never really spent more than a couple of days with her and only visit a few times a year but that’s more for her sake than mine.
We’re currently spending more time together due to a family emergency/organising a funeral etc and she’s being awful to everyone she’s around. My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.
Yesterday she gave her opinions to my partner out of nowhere because he was being slightly cold with her (he was getting to the end of his tether as she’s been making digs at us, our home and at him for days now). She’s told him that I’m way too good for him, that he’s not a real man (because she saw me taking out the bins), that he’s a disgrace of a human and called him every name under the sun. Two minutes later she asked him what he was making for dinner (she’s able to flip and then be completely fine which is a complete head fuck). He’s honestly been really good to her for the last couple of years and he’s a good person.
This morning he offered me a cup of tea and offered her one as well which she replied ‘do not talk to me’ but then changed her mind and demanded that he made her one.
He’s absolutely fuming, hiding out in our bedroom biting his tongue.
We’re trying for a baby and hoping to get married in the next year or so and he’s had a serious chat with me that he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this family and he certainly doesn’t want her at the wedding. I’ve begged her to apologise but she 100% believes she’s done nothing wrong.
I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’ and she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off and have to help her function. She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.
She is toxic/manipulative/bitch but she can’t help it. If I cut her out of my life she could be dead for years and nobody would notice. She does love me and I do really feel sorry for her.
I feel pulled and really don’t know what to do.
I have to be honest, I wouldn't want that around me and a baby either. I also wouldn't expect my partner to accept an apology after that either. I know a lot of people with anxiety and depression and none of them behave like that. This is emotional abuse.
As far as I can see, the only compromise here is to not have her in your house and conduct any relationship with her separately. But I am with your husband, she should not be around your future child. They could well be traumatised by sudden outbursts like that.
Have you thought about maybe getting some therapy ro figure things out? I am saying all this as someone with a similar relative who i cut off and is managing fine, still upsetting everyone
Been there, done that.
You deserve a life. I went LC with mine and my own MH improved, not to mention the people around me.
Let her go, report her to her GP, social cervices. Try to help but not at the cost of your own mental well-being. 💐
DP does not need to put up with abuse from someone just because he is in a relationship with you. Let him not see her. If you want to continue to see her you go to her house she doesn’t come to yours and you limit the impact to your family who must be your priority. I would discuss with your DP how much contact any future children would have with your DM. DP is within his rights to say he doesn’t want the kids subjected to abuse either. To summarise you have a right to a relationship with your DM if you wish but you shouldn’t force your DP or DC into an abusive relationship and you shouldn’t let your relationship with your DM impact your DP or future DC.
You cant expect him to put up with that and honestly, if this was the other way round youd have everyone telling you to put your foot down and kick her out of your house. He knows, and you know, 1. She'll ruin your wedding. 2. She'll treat your child appallingly, like she treated and continues to treat everyone.
Why would he sign himself up for that? Why would he bring a child into the world to suffer her? He doesn't have to have anyone in the house, at his wedding or near his child that he doesn't want. And you know everyone would tell you the same if it was the other way round.
You give her a basic income?
I’m going to be honest. I’d struggle to want to marry, procreate, and share finances with someone who is giving money to someone who is so toxic to me.
I'm with your DP on this one - you should reduce contact to the barest minimum and signpost to services. I know a lot of people with MH issues and they do not use them as an excuse to behave badly. In part, your mother absolutely can help it. She chooses to be as she is in part - if she did not, she would be seeking help with her issues.
I loved my late mother very much and for the vast majority of her life we were close and she was a brilliant parent and grandmother. But when she started drinking to overcome losing my dad and would not admit there was a problem, both my Dsis and I backed off for the sake of our own sanity and just made sure she had services in place insofar as she would accept them. She was essentially committing slow suicide by booze - but she was unwilling to stop dragging other people down with her and that wasn't ok.
I have to say your DP is absolutely right and I wouldn't have been able to bite my tongue if my MIL had abused me like that. It's a good idea to only meet her at her home without taking DP or future DC along, as PPs mentioned. Also I am no psychiatrist but I would say that your mother has behavioural rather than mental health problems, there is a vast difference between these two.
Your husband doesn't deserve this and nor do you. Your responsibility is to him and any future child, not your abusive mother. I'd cut all ties, including financial.
I think he's damn right tbh. It is not his or your fault that she has MH issues and he/you should not be emotionally abused. Why the hell should any future kid have to suffer it either?
Your first priority is you, not your mother.
My advice to him if he was a woman posting here, would be to divorce, find someone else, definitely dont have children into that family, and have a drama free life.
Otherwise his life would be a misery.
OP, I think this is a cross road moment for you. Think carefully.
I wouldn't tolerate that in my life from a future MIL either. How you manage your relationship with her is up to you. But the bit that impacts on him is significant. My mother is similar and she isn't allowed in my life or around my child. If she died alone... That would be the consequences of her actions.
You need to find a way to grieve for the mother you never had, rather than chasing and hoping she could ever become it. She won't. She is incapable of love - that is her neurological deficit and nothing to do with your own quality.
Stop giving her money and stop offering yourself (and those in your family, eventually your children) up to her as offerings for her to abuse and belittle for her own twisted entertainment.
You can never achieve her approval or normal parental love. Please stop trying - it is a waste of your valuable life.
So you support her financially support her too? Fuck that! Your OH should run and run fast!
You're excusing your mother which only enables her. You're an enabler. She will NEVER change with you around.
We put up with so much awful abusive behaviour because "it's faaaamily." You don't need to cut off from your mum forever - right now you're enabling her to be toxic towards you and your DP. Why subject yourselves to such behaviour?
Your husband has a right not to suffer abuse in his own home. He definitely has the right to want to protect his child from abuse. This is non-negotiable and if you cannot accept that then I think he would be within his rights to divorce you and go for full custody.
On the other hand, I do understand your wish to protect your mother. I would discuss this with your husband: explain that you are on his side but that you want to come up with a plan for limited contact with your mother which does not involve him or the child and takes place outside your home. And definitely look into what SS can do for her.
If it came down to a choice of DP or DM, which would you choose?
My friend got divorced over this, ie her Dh had had enough of his MIL living in his house and treating him like absolute shit. She had a home of her own but insisted after an operation that she recouperate with them, so she was housebound and vicious. She ended up staying, and then insisting she needed to move in. Sold her house, pocketed all the money and demanded they look after her. She was 62.
Worst of it was, my friend was a SAHM and her Dh was funding his MIL against his wishes. In the end she died 2 years into living with them, but it had damaged their marriage beyond repair because she had put her mother before her husband and children. Her Dh was sick of his MIL assassinating him and his children were witnessing it.
She did ask us what we thought, we told her straight that her mother was a manipulative bitch and she needed to go home but it fell of deaf ears.
You need to remove your mother from your house, if she needs help with forms there are outside agencies who can help her with this. She has made you think this is your responsibility. You could lose your partner over this. He needs to come first.
Simple question, would you accept this behaviour from your partner's mother?
Cut the financial strings. let her learn to cope.
Your DP is right.
And if you can't priorotise him over her when she's so hateful to him I'd be amazed if he went through with the wedding.
You don't have to put up with being treated like this. My dh threw my mother out the house when she kicked off one time too many and we never let her back.
Imagine if she is about when you have kids - do you want your children growing up thinking it's OK to verbally abuse others like this. Or that you have to put up with being verbally abused.
She's being an absolute bitch to your partner because she's trying to sabotage your relationship with him. She's afraid that if you get married your income support to her will stop.
If she's this good at manipulating you she can cope with life on her own. Stop enabling her awful behavior and turn your loyalty to your lovely partner. Don't let her win by screwing up that relationship.
WHY do you give her money? Can she not navigate the benefits system? If this is the case then I suggest you put her in touch with CAB or some other organisation who can act as proxies, and back away.
It sounds as though you are trying to buy her love (I know that's not what you feel, but deep deep down...?) and it's far far too late for that.
Your DP needs you to have his back. This woman will never be the mother you need or deserve. You can stay in touch at a distance, but do not allow her into your married life. Your poor DP has suffered enough.
I had a very similar relationship with my father, although without the financial support or living with us. The difference is I had a child and once I realised what he was going to be like, I had to go no contact. I couldn't bring that risk to my child, even if I could tolerate it for myself and my DH. If your partner were my friend, I'd tell them to leave you. You need to think long and hard about what you want from your life. Your mother is never going to be the mother you want her to be.
I have a family member with serious mental health issues, they have never abused anyone in their life.
Your mil chooses to be nasty, you are an enabler. Why would she stick at a job when you’re propping her up financially?
Open your eyes. She will never change unless you do.
I think stepping back might do you both good. Ask SS to get involved with her, stop giving her money and stand up for your bloke. Her problems are not yours and you shouldnt have to shoulder them.
I don't get the putting up with stuff because that's just the way she is. Tell her to apologise and behave or she can leave and mean it. She'll never rein herself in if she's allowed to just mind vomit all over the place.
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