Advanced search

A story about domestic abuse

(205 Posts)
TaraD123 Wed 24-Jun-20 18:04:36

Please read this short story about breaking free from an abusive marriage and give your opinion.

Lindsey had popped out to get milk and was rushing home, worried about being late. Danny was inside with the kids. Lindsey knew that anything could set Danny off and the fear was always there.
Danny looked furious and began screaming in the usual manner; "It's been 15mins! What took you so long? I don't want to hear excuses about the shop being busy. It's obvious this family doesn't mean anything to you! Am I supposed to look after the children AND do chores around the house? The dishes need washing and the baby's nappy needs changing. Make sure it's done!"
Lindsay did as instructed. It was not always out of fear. Sometimes it was just easier this way.
The emotional impact was draining. Going along with it and staying silent was partially to protect the kids who would get understandably upset when their parents fought. Sometimes it meant there was no physical or emotional abuse as a result of staying quiet. No belittling, no name calling, no threats to take the children away and no threats to end one of their lives.
Danny was against socialising and had banned visitors including family into the home. Life was isolated and lonely.
It was early summer when Lindsey met Sam at the Supermarket. They decided to go for a coffee as the baby was napping in the buggy, Danny was at work and the older children were at school. It was still a worry as Danny would make several calls throughout the day to check what Lindsey was up to. But on this day, Lindsey felt brave and confided in Sam who was appalled at what Lindsey had been going through. "I know it happens to women all the time but this feels worse somehow!"
As the conversation went further, it was clear to Sam that Lindsey needed help. Lindsey's biggest fear was not being able to see the children and was worried about the consequences of leaving. Sam advised that the first step was to secure a place of residence. A safe place where Lindsey could move to with the children and then make divorce arrangements. They both agreed that it was far too dangerous to let Danny know about any plans on separation.
Unfortunately neither she nor he anticipated that the plan would collapse before it even properly started.
Just a few weeks later, Danny had started growing suspicious as Lindsey appeared distant and the personal insults were not having the same effect as before. So one day when Lindsey was at work, Danny began searching everywhere for clues and whilst going through a bank statement, found a payment for a coffee shop. Upon investigation, a pattern emerged; Lindsey had been going to the same coffee shop around 1pm every Tuesday and Thursdays when Danny was at work and sometimes paying for two coffees!
In Danny's mind, there was no innocent explanation. Lindsey had clearly been told that visiting friends was not allowed and that rule had been broken. However, this could not have been a friendly coffee. Lindsey must be having an affair with someone and needed to be taught a severe lesson and punished hard!
An hour later when Lindsey returned from work, Danny grabbed a metal pole and the violence and screaming began in front of the baby. There was no attempt at listening to an explanation - Danny's mind was made up. Lindsey eventually managed to grab the phone and call the police. Luckily they arrived quickly and once they assessed the scenario, Danny was arrested. Lindsey collected the children from school who were scared and confused. "Where are we going?" they asked. Lindsey thought about the only safe place at that moment for them all and responded "To my mother's".

The aftermath of this story is the couple divorced. Danny delayed the divorce for as long as possible as this was another element of control. They both had an equal income and equal assets but Danny demanded as much money as possible. Lindsey did not claim a penny and worked hard to draw a line on the matter. Losing money was better than losing one's sanity.
For the next few years, Danny used every dirty tactic in the book to stop Lindsey from seeing the children. Eventually Lindsey managed to get a hearing at a Family Court and a court order was issued. However Danny broke it repeatedly and no one was able to or willing to help. Lindsey had raised many issues in court fearing this, but they were dismissed by the judge.
Sentimental items and expensive property belonging to Lindsey was not returned and instead sold. A police report was made but nothing was done and the officers laughed at Lindsey.
The children were brainwashed and alienated from Lindsey's entire family. Social Services did nothing other than a quick check and declared that everything was ok despite the effects becoming more and more apparent. Their older son began wetting the bed and experiencing nightmares. Their once shy and sweet daughter was now bad mannered, rude and disrespectful to everyone. The baby who was now at nursery had already picked up Danny's habits and would throw things across the room in a violent rage.
The school teachers gave Lindsey the cold shoulder and refused to give updates on the children.
To make matters worse, once Lindsey got in touch with old friends, family members, colleagues and even mutual friends, they had grown hostile and angry. They blamed Lindsey for breaking up the marriage and destroying the family. Lindsey and Sam ended up together but most believed that Lindsey had been unfaithful to Danny. No one saw Sam as a hero for rescuing a victim from years of domestic abuse.
Funnily enough, most actually agreed that Danny was abusive, Danny was a bad parent, Danny was controlling and Danny was a terrible partner. Despite knowing this, Danny was still seen as the victim! A struggling single parent whose marriage had broken down as a result of a selfish Lindsey.

Danny is currently receiving a huge chunk of Lindsey's money every month. Still refuses to comply with the court order, still emotionally blackmails the children and never misses an opportunity to create trouble for Lindsey.

It's likely many readers will find the ending somewhat confusing as most of them would not have responded that way themselves.
Perhaps if I explained that Lindsey is in fact the father and Daniella is the mother, the story might make more sense!

We have fought for equality for many years but equality means equality for all. Men should not suffer domestic abuse and neither should women. Fathers have just as much rights as mothers.
The treatment that a "bad" father gets should either be scrapped or the same should be given to a "bad" mother. It's 2020 and it's more important than ever that we have these conversations. No one deserves to suffer. We are all human beings no matter what our gender.

OP’s posts: |
Merryoldgoat Wed 24-Jun-20 18:17:55

I don’t think there’s any point in engaging in whataboutery - yes, men and woman can be abusers. I don’t really know what this story is trying to convey.

QuentinWinters Wed 24-Jun-20 18:20:38

What a load of arse
Why are you bothering?

Barobee Wed 24-Jun-20 18:23:56

Bit weird that Danny became resident parent when he was the one who was arrested.

Barobee Wed 24-Jun-20 18:24:28

Sorry, she was the one who was arrested.

Ellisandra Wed 24-Jun-20 18:27:26

We didn’t need a third ambivalent gender name to know what your angle was.

I find this pretty rude, actually. Certainly patronising.

This is a site with a majority of women, which as far as I have seen, has zero history of entertaining people presenting the idea that only men abuse.

In fact, there are threads from abusing women, who have been told that their husbands have been right to abuse them.

There have been posts from women supporting their male partners who have been abused by exes. And never have those been met by, “but only men are abusers.”

You’re preaching to the converted, and “preaching” never goes down well.

Ellisandra Wed 24-Jun-20 18:28:10

*husbands have been right to LEAVE them!! grin

Covert20 Wed 24-Jun-20 18:29:16

To be honest, it didn’t smack me as unlikely the first way round. Domestic abuse victims and their kids are let down by the system every day. And the vast majority of them are women.

bluesapphirestars Wed 24-Jun-20 18:31:29

When male domestic abuse victims are found dead as often as women, ill read that drivel.

iklboo Wed 24-Jun-20 18:31:57

Can I say NAWALT now?

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire Wed 24-Jun-20 18:32:42

Did you write that story yourself, OP?

Badmemorieshouse Wed 24-Jun-20 18:33:08

I’m really confused

Ellisandra Wed 24-Jun-20 18:34:03

I very doubt our first time poster is going to return, unless we get usurped by 100 replies praising the clever twist... but I’d love to know why you posted, @TaraD123

Do you really think we’re stupid?

ShebaShimmyShake Wed 24-Jun-20 18:34:06

This was incredibly badly written, and the intended "gotcha" at the end falls completely flat and fails to make any kind of point about egalitarianism, not least because of the plot holes (at least one of which has been noted by a PP and I'm not going through that pile of arse again to pick out more).

Why do people who want to make a stand about men's rights never just come out and do it? Why do they always have to shroud and cloak it so they weaponise it as a means of in validating women, and a really, really shit one at that?

Milssofadoesntreallyfit Wed 24-Jun-20 18:34:35

Not really sure how to respond but it's worth posting anyway to bump as it's definitely worth reading by others for perspective and the fact that nothing is ever quite as it seems.

TaraD123 Wed 24-Jun-20 18:34:50

Not preaching at all! Just highlighting the inequalities. There was a post earlier about men not paying child support. What about women who don't?

OP’s posts: |
Beerincomechampagnetastes Wed 24-Jun-20 18:35:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire Wed 24-Jun-20 18:35:25

I think you need a bit unisex name than Lindsey, OP.

TaraD123 Wed 24-Jun-20 18:35:59

Have I touched a nerve? You seem highly offended even though this is a true story.
This is how people reacted in real life!

OP’s posts: |
YesIDoLoveCrisps Wed 24-Jun-20 18:36:50

Is this story a way to discourage women from reporting domestic violence?

TaraD123 Wed 24-Jun-20 18:36:57

Yes. It's a true story. Names were changed, of course!

OP’s posts: |
EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire Wed 24-Jun-20 18:37:06

Are you Lindsey, OP?

bluesapphirestars Wed 24-Jun-20 18:37:25

Over 90% of children from split households primarily live with the mother.

Of the 10% who do not, many are from homes where the mother has died.

Women who leave their children and do not pay are like hens teeth.

Covert20 Wed 24-Jun-20 18:37:26

No one is offended 🙄

TaraD123 Wed 24-Jun-20 18:37:32

I agree. But it happened!

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in