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Aibu to ask my husband to stop relaying everything to pils(124 Posts)
Because it's really fucking me off.
PILs are nice, I like them, but we are very different people. They are very close to SIL and her children who visit for hours every day. I would say they are unusually close, but that's up to them, however it's not how I am myself.
Their favourite topic of conversation is the family, who is doing what, whether they should be doing it, what they should be doing instead. They can be a bit bitchy but there's no real malice in it, none of them have any hobbies or interests so they're just very very into each other and each other's lives, to the point where every event is hashed over and discussed, no matter how minor. For instance, if one of SIL's kids is at at a friend's house when we visit, this fact is relayed to us and discussed ad infinitum. Sil has rushed to the house to tell PILs that we've been on perfectly ordinary days out (posted a photo on Facebook) as if it's really big news, that sort of thing.
DH,in turn, seems to feel the need to relate every aspect of our own business as if it's news. I've weaned him off the worst of it- informing them of my medical appointments for example - but he will still relay every fact, even ones I honestly would have thought he'd know better - comments I've made about my best friend's boyfriend who is a dick to be sure, but who happens to work with BIL, that sort of thing.
They really took against my other SIL (not DH's sister) when she had her children, basically because she did things differently to them. We now have a baby and I know they will be having similar conversations and discussions about us. I had a chat with DH about how now that we are adults with a family of our own, we don't need to inform our parents about every little thing we do. Now I've just found out that he's told them something I actually made a point of asking him not to- a small decision I was talking with him about regarding our baby, along the lines of when I should stop breastfeeding. SIL is now asking how the weaning is going.
Aibu or is this not a big deal? I try to talk to him about it and he gets offended and thinks I'm criticising his parents, but I'm not, I just don't feel the need to relay all information to them. It feels at times as though DH has been trained to do this -at its height I've seen him visit, sit down, and immediately start into a blow by blow account of everything we've been doing since we last saw them. He doesn't even question it or cherry pick information, and I've seen his siblings do exactly the same thing.
Everything just seems to be held in common in the family, they also walk in and out of houses and take things without asking and I suspect they think me up myself because I don't do things this way. I would count myself close to my own family, but we're all quite private and individual people and I think naturally a bit more careful of where we tread.
DH is cross at me now because I had a go at him about once again sharing information that should have been between us with them. I actually have to specifically ask him not to repeat certain things because he just has no filter for what it shareable and what should obviously not be, yet he still slips up.
You all sound like a bunch of fruit loops
YADNBU. I would sit him down, look him straight in the eyes and tell him that you are different from his clan and that you are a private person. Tell him he can share anything about his life but not yours or the baby's (do a Meghan Markle impression) and keep repeating it until he gets it. He fell in love with you for who you are not as an appendage to his gossipy family - they need to get a life.
Maybe tell him a little boy who always runs to mummy with gossip isn't an attractive quality..
No way would my dh repeat any of our chats whether I asked him specifically not to or not.
I don't know banana, but I certainly feel like I'm going that way.
I have total sympathy with MM, everyone was tearing her to bits but I knew exactly where she was coming from!
YAB a bit U. It's ok to be pissed off that he specifically shared something you asked him not to. It would be massively unreasonable and controlling to say he is not allowed to talk about his child and family.
Your family are very private OP, your husband's are very open. You two need to learn how to square this circle for the peace and wellbeing in your relationship. Good luck.
Now if I was into games I'd start sharing wildly personal things about him with them all. Sexual tastes, weird bowel movements etc just to prove a point. Or start saying oh we'd best tell your parents we've just had sex, dont forget to tell your parents I've just had a smear test.
Sometimes DH has started telling inlaws things I'd rather not, just our differences in relationships. I interrupt him and just say "could you not".
Sharing some news is ok but over-sharing isn’t. However, your idea of what’s private might be different from your DH’s. So - you need a discussion and you need to use examples. If he still doesn’t get it, ask him how he’d feel if you shared something very personal about him.
It's the way he's been brought up and I guess it's hard for him to get out of the habit. I think he should be allowed to share things about the baby, though not if it involves you (eg stopping BF) if you've told him not to.
Tell him quite clearly that you will become much more private and not share things with him about yourself unless you can be confident it isn't going to be fed back to his DPs.
It's not even the information as such,it's the way he tells them. If he told them we'd decided X after we'd actually decided it, I wouldn't have a problem. But the minute we even begin to speak about X, he tells them we're thinking of it, then they comment on it, then they tell everyone else, then it's discussed at length and tutted over, then it puts me personally off the idea of X full stop, because it's become a family discussion, not one which should be between a married couple.
To give you an idea, when SIL was TTC, absolutely everyone in the family knew everything about it from day one, from the difficulty getting the coil out, to her cycles, the lot
I understand how you feel and YANBU. It would drive me potty.
That would drive me round the bend. It’s a gross invasion of privacy. I’d start making stuff up for my DP - ‘I get my boobs waxed by Lenny Henry’s chauffeur’, ‘I’ve just been to the doctors and I’ve got no sweat glands on my feet’, ‘I heard today that drinking a pint of milk a day makes your penis bigger’...on and on and on I’d do it, just for kicks.
That does sound odd and I would hate it too. However your big problem is that you specifically asked your DH not to tell them something and he broke your trust. I’m not sure how you can deal with this situation (or married life in general) without basic trust between you and your husband.
I would hate this. It's so disrespectful to you. It's as if you cant trust him because he will blab to them. unfortunately as this is how he was raised and cant see the difference, it wont change. yanbu.
Oh dear, I hear you. MIL and SIL also have nothing to talk about except the neighbours and extended family in deep, deep detail. DH tells them everything...including if I go out, who with, who they are, who their family is, comments I make about work colleagues (who BIL knows) etc etc. He also tells them about our finances which annoys me.
MIL is pleasant enough and adores our DCs.
I see it as a DH problem. I’ve been working on mine for years. He tries but the problem is ingrained, dating back generations. Get annoyed over serious breaches of confidentiality and try to have a sense of humour about some of the rest. Good luck!
It is tough one. My family know everything that is going on, it is annoying and hard to find privacy.
DP fit in well as he has a fog horn mouth too.
They get offended when they hear "sorry it is none of your business" it drives me insane when I share with one and it spreads.
My husband had a tendency to do that with his father. It would include things like telling him how much we paid for things. I’ve had to tell him on more than one occasion to stop discussing our finances with his father.
YANBU. My MIL and SIL are exactly the same!! So I totally feel you 🤦🏼♀️ I hate her knowing anything about what we do because she's a terrible gossip but also ends up twisting things and gets things completely wrong!
For example, 7 years ago we borrowed 5K from my step dad for our house deposit and we then paid it back within a year. In a recent conversation (why it was being bought up 7 years later I don't know) she told my SIL we had been GIVEN (not a loan) 50K!!! I was furious! Turns out she had mixed us up with SIL who's FIL had gifted them 50k for their house. But they are very different figures and very different principles (I'd personally never accept a 50k gift in this way)
God knows who else she has told this too though! 🙄🤦🏼♀️
Luckily my DH isn't overly close to her and knows what a terrible gossip she is (and terribly nosey with it too) so we only have polite chit chat when we see her and try to keep personal details to a minimum for this very reason. I feel for you though that your DH doesn't understand where you are coming from, mine can at least see it.
I find I get so annoyed at her nosiness into other people's business and the way she gossips but gets it all wrong it that I am no quite petty with what I tell her. For example I don't even want to say I've been for a picnic because in an hour the whole family hears we had a bbq 🤦🏼♀️😂
My current partner is the same. I'm 51 and he's 50 this year. He tells his parents (specifically his mother) EVERYTHING. I was still married to my ex H when we met - we had been separated nearly a year - he told them that. I didn't even want them knowing I had been married! Whenever I get mad and tell him off, his stock response is 'they would find out anyway' HOW????? They don't know any of my friends, any of my family (who all live abroad anyway) so who the fuck exactly would tell them??????
They know exactly how much he earns, how much he pays out on bills, etc. About 5 years ago the bank made a mistake and accidentally gave him access online to his father's savings account (they have the same first name). He was horrified when he realised I had seen the screen and knew how much was in it. I pointed out he now knew how I felt every time he shared my personal information with them...
Of course he doesn't have a clue about their finances. They treat him like he's still 16.
As you can tell, I still get very very angry about this...
I've told him that he can tell them anything he likes about himself, but when it comes to my personal information, he's got no damn right to share it with anyone. I really wish I had more constructive advice to give, my partner has got better over the years, but he still does overshare. I find it quite off-putting and incredibly childish, tbh.
YANBU. They sound suffocating! And incredibly dull if they don’t have anything else to talk about.
I had a similar problem with DH telling his parents things that I assumed he would understand are private! It was a case of difficult family cultures - his family are close and share a lot, while my parents were more reserved. I got really angry after he told them about a medical issue I had, and PIL then told DH’s aunt and uncle, and his aunt then asked me about it the next time we saw them, which made me really upset. I was furious with them all.
He also told them stuff we were thinking about (eg: DIY), rather than waiting until after we had made a decision, then he would complain that FIL kept calling or texting asking about it/ making suggestions/ wondering why we haven’t started it yet, etc.
We’ve been together for over 20 years, and over that time I have managed to make him understand that not everything needs to be shared with his parents, but it’s taken a while. I’ve had to say ‘I don’t want you sharing this with anyone’ at times, which has felt unnatural.
If I’m honest, I sometimes don’t tell him about stuff that’s really private (like my mum’s health issues) so he doesn’t share it with them without thinking.
And, I’ve noticed that as PIL have got older they are less interested in the details of our life and focus more on things that are important to them, but fairly trivial overall - their world has narrowed a bit as they’ve aged. Which is sad in many ways, but means we’re not interrogated as much about everything.
I think YABU. So if his family ask him how weaning is going, he’s not allowed to say? Or he has to worry that he might have said too much?
Soon you’ll be asking —telling-- him not to go round there at all or having arguments with him about it every time. How exhausting.
You say they are all like this and always have been so you knew what you were marrying into. Seems a bit unfair now to start placing restrictions on what he is allowed to talk about with them.
There are alarm bells that they have taken against the other SIL just because she didn’t conform. That means they are not just non malicious people enjoying a gossip, it means they are overbearing and clannish. Boundaries!
As said above, it is incredibly childish. Some men (and women??) seem to miss the stage in their early teens when they should be starting to become independent and moving away mentally from their parents. They then become ‘adult children’ who have to run everything past their parents first and share absolutely everything with them like a younger child might do.
But the minute we even begin to speak about X, he tells them we're thinking of it, then they comment on it, then they tell everyone else, then it's discussed at length and tutted over, then it puts me personally off the idea of X full stop, because it's become a family discussion, not one which should be between a married couple
This is the crux of it, OP. Can you try explainIng that to your DH? I think you’ll also have to very specifically tell him not to tell his parents about your discussions until a decision is made (if appropriate to tell them).
O had this problem with my DH as well! Had to specifically tell him not to share but he often still did. I hated it especially about money and things I thought shouldn’t concern her (MIL) and we lived in a different country to them for most of our married lives but he talked to her on the phone for at least an hour a day!
I''m sure they don't mean any harm, but it would drive me mad too. I'd feel as if I had the whole family watching me have a smear test! I would explain to DH it embarrasses you, and negotiate with him to give 'edited highlights' of those things you don't want totally hashed over.
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