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My mother in law is driving me insane

(179 Posts)
Mummytobe10101 Tue 23-Jun-20 21:31:01

I’m going crazy. I gave birth 2 weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy. And my mother in law kindly came round and said she will stay with me to help me with the baby. I was happy with this at first but now I’m going insane and I want to cry. My partner really wants her here and finds it offensive that I want her to leave because he adores his mum and feels like her advice is invaluable. He is working at the moment so I am alone with her in the day. It is my mother in law’s culture for baby boys to get circumcised. Each to their own but I disagree with this. I despise confrontation but she has talked again and again today about when he’s going to be circumcised and both times I’ve said he’s not. She’s also criticising me because he’s having expressed breast milk instead of sucking from the breast. And she’s told me I’m not moisturising his skin correctly/ giving him constipation by not feeding him breast milk from the breast/ not feeding him enough just before bed/ the list goes on. And also she told me to massage his nose to make is smaller and mould it which really upset me. I’ve been in tears on the phone to my mum and she’s fuming. I just want to scream. I’m a new mum and I feel so judged and awful. Help sad sad

OP’s posts: |
saraclara Tue 23-Jun-20 21:36:12

Do you have no rights in your house?

It doesn't matter how much he adores his mum. You're his wife, you've just given birth to his child. You should be his priority.

Tell him you need some privacy and she needs to leave now. And whatever he says, tell him that you should be his priority, and furthermore you have a mother of your own to ask advice of if needed. Hus mum's had her turn.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians Tue 23-Jun-20 21:37:38

YANBU. Dont ever leave this woman alone with your baby. Is it worth taking baby and going to your mum's for a bit? And when you're there you could negotiate that you'll go back when MIL has gone. It sounds like your mum would be delighted to help you

saraclara Tue 23-Jun-20 21:37:40

If he still doesn't agree, just scream at her yourself and tell her to stop criticising you. Hopefully she'll take the huff and leave.

RusholmeRuffian Tue 23-Jun-20 21:38:33

Your partner needs to start putting you and his baby first. You won't get this time again and you should not have to put up with this! You need to stand firm and she has to go. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope things get better soon.

MissEliza Tue 23-Jun-20 21:39:46

Op I feel so sorry for you. You don't need someone undermining you when you and your little one are trying to find your way together- I speak from experience. It seems to me the only solution is for you to say something to your mother in law. Your dh will be furious probably but not only will this situation make you unhappy but I don't think it's even in your baby's best interest.

user1487194234 Tue 23-Jun-20 21:41:06

Oh dear that's shit
Speak to your DH and say you need a break
She must move out by say next week
Could your mother come for a few days

Gin4thewin Tue 23-Jun-20 21:42:11

Tell him if she doesnt go, you will and he can live with his wonderful mother by himself, tell him youve arranged to stay with your mum if hes not going to ask her to leave (if youre not in a position too, he doesnt need to know, call his bluff)

You need to bond with your baby, not have someone hanging over your shoulder telling you youre doing it wrong, which btw it sounds like your doing an amazing job, expressing and bottle feeding is very hard work xx

AskingforaBaskin Tue 23-Jun-20 21:44:30

"No MiL I will not mutilate my baby. Fuck off"

But seriously. Pack your bags and run to your mum.
Tell DH you'll come back when she's gone. You need to become the head Bitch.

ECBC Tue 23-Jun-20 21:44:49

Set your boundaries and get this woman to leave. This is your time, not hers

DeliaOwens Tue 23-Jun-20 21:49:09

The best advice I was given was to say "Baby's Pediatrician says XYZ advice is outdated and unsafe. We are going with the experts advice in the interests of baby"
Also, call and involve your Health Visitor and ensure you get time on your own when HV is there and that you get HV support to ram home the message re: unwanted advice/opinion. The HV should be able to tell your DH that his Mother's 'help' is not helpful and he might encourage her to return home. In my experience, DH will listen to authority/official advice faster than the same words coming out of your mouth. Sad, but true in my case.

QuietlyWilting Tue 23-Jun-20 21:49:41

You poor thing. Either she stops, she goes or you go. You cannot carry on like this. And I would never leave him with her, as she might take him off and get him circumcised.

Buzzfrightyears Tue 23-Jun-20 21:51:28

God how awful

Get her out of your house now

Tell her your gp/health visitor has advised you to spend time bonding with baby alone so can she go home now please

BreatheAndFocus Tue 23-Jun-20 21:51:53

Bloody hell! Who needs that when you’ve just had a baby! Interfering woman! You really, really need to get her out ASAP - or go and stay with your mum if you prefer. The creepy comments about circumcision ring massive alarm bells. She sounds like she’s completely overriding your autonomy and your motherhood at every opportunity.

Tell your DH it’s not working out and she needs to go tomorrow. Don’t be dissuaded. Stress how miserable it’s making you and make it very clear you won’t be backing down. If he doesn’t like it, he can move back to his mum’s.

I would never leave baby alone with her after her circumcision comments.

KatharinaRosalie Tue 23-Jun-20 21:52:50

don't leave her alone with the baby, she sounds pushy enough to actually go out and get him circumcised

SnackSizeRaisin Tue 23-Jun-20 21:57:49

Tell your husband you only want her to visit when he is there too. You need the chance to do your own thing, whether that is bond with the baby, catch up on sleep, chat to friends or whatever. You can't do that with someone you can't trust hanging round

GabriellaMontez Tue 23-Jun-20 21:58:09

Can you go and stay with your mum until she leaves?

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit Tue 23-Jun-20 21:59:01

I know this isn't the point but... the nose thing... that's complete bullshit right?

Oxfordnono12 Tue 23-Jun-20 22:00:30

Out to fuck they both would go! Until your voice is being heard then they wouldnt be getting back in. Do not cry over these people, they are not respecting you NOR supporting you! You are the most important person for your baby at this moment! Not them! Your bubble of lovely dont let them ruin it.

I'm absolutely fuming for you!! Please, for your own sanity, put your foot down and tell them straight. Respect your request or leave LOOK at your husband and say, this includes you (insert rude word). If they dont pack your bags and go stay with your mum!

jgjgjgjgjg Tue 23-Jun-20 22:00:44

For goodness sake grow a backbone. Set a date when she has to go and stick to it. In the meantime just say "I'm happy with the way I'm doing things and I don't need any advice" each and every time. Don't argue and don't engage, just cut her off by repeating the same phrase. She'll soon get bored. Then set her a long list of practical tasks that will keep her out of your hair. Boring things like peeling vegetables, ironing and shopping only from a strict predefined list.

PersonaNonGarter Tue 23-Jun-20 22:01:12

You poor thing! flowers

You need to stand up to your DH. You have rights in your own home. Just scream if you need to.

Where is your mum?

Janus Tue 23-Jun-20 22:06:36

I’m sorry but this is awful. Don’t ever talk to her about circumcision, have you had this conversation with your husband? Is it agreed it won’t be done? If so, get your husband to tell her this.
I’d really, really, go to your mum’s if she doesn’t leave.
I’ve had 4 children and, personally, I’ve always felt very comfortable with my own mum as I can be sat there in my pjs until midday and breast feed and not feel judged, if that’s how your mum makes you feel I’d go there.
Please look after yourself.

Devlesko Tue 23-Jun-20 22:14:15

You are braver than me, no way would I have had mil anywhere near for a few weeks grin
Your dh doesn't sound like he has your back at all, and doubt you'll have a say about the circumcision your dh will just go behind your back, I bet mil will take baby.
At least you know what's to come anyway. Question is are you going to let them both walk over you?
So sorry you are going through this, she sounds awful.

Devlesko Tue 23-Jun-20 22:19:36

Tell your dh now, that if she isn't gone tomorrow then he will be, and pack his bags.

Couchbettato Tue 23-Jun-20 22:21:46

Get your husband to read the lemon clot essay and then tell him she needs to piss off, yesterday.

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