Partner feels financially insecure

[Whitepriv]

My partner has recently told me that because I earn a significant amount more than her she feels insecure when she thinks about if we ever did split up. I was wondering what you all think I could do to give her more security.

For context, I earn approx 3.5 times more and no DC currently. We have a deed of trust so she is entitled to 50% of house should we ever split 😟 and joint accounts and our own accounts for ‘fun money’ after bills etc.

I’m genuinely not sure what else I could do, but would welcome opinions 🙏

[Whitepriv]

The grammar in this is horrendous, so apologies in advance 😬🤣

[HH160bpm]

Your partner might mean marriage.

[DeeCeeCherry]

I'm guessing she wants to be married, to feel more financially secure in case you do split up one day. There's also the question of your pension and other assets. It's not just the house. Bearing all this in mind you just have to decide whether you feel you want to marry and put her mind at rest.

[havingnumber2]

Do you have children?

[HeddaGarbled]

She needs to have a pension and savings in her own name. A problem in financially inequitable relationships is that you often lead the lifestyle that fits the higher earner and the lower earner has to spend all their income with nothing left for saving.

[PicaK]

Pension, pension, pension. And equal spending money. And marriage.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

Typically, a woman is massively disadvantaged by being in a relationship but not being married.

[Cynara]

If there are no children and your partner hasn't taken a hit to her career to facilitate your lifestyle, I can't see any reason for you to feel obliged to marry her simply because she "feels insecure". At face value and without further details, it sounds like this is s her issue to deal with, not yours. Be cautious.

[Whitepriv]

@havingnumber2 nope, but we are thinking about it which I guess is what has sparked the discussions.

I’ve never particularly wanted to get married which is, if I’m totally honest, not to do with her or marriage in itself, but rather the fact that I think my parents wouldn’t come and (perhaps weakly) I really don’t want to relive the many years they wouldn’t speak to me for being gay 😬

[Shortfeet]

Why on earth should she get a bunch of your money if you split??

[Whitepriv]

Great advice about pension, never really thought about that, but perhaps we should ensure our contributions are equal financially, at the moment they are equal % wise but not ‘cash contributed’

[Whitepriv]

Thank you so much for your advice so far all. Lots of food for thought 👍

[Shortfeet]

That's a great reason for you NOT getting married. Is say that to the higher earner whether male or female!

[Caoilainn]

My partner and I do have children, not together, so we split the bills according.

We also take into account that one of us earns 2x the other. So when buying garden furniture, dishwasher etc we split that so it costs us both the same percentage of our earnings.

We have a few joint accounts for savings, joint purchases, holidays etc. It's all % based we couldn't figure out how else to make things joint and fair. Without one of us 'treating' or the other struggling to keep up.

Everything else is separate so when we buy flowers or treats it's out of our own money.

[OneMetreWithMitigation]

You've no kids, can't she get another job? Retrain? Work towards promotion?

This isn't a situation where she is at a disadvantage by raising your kids whilst allowing you to progress.

Bugger feeling bad because you earn more, if you pay 75% of the bills and she's entitled to 50% of the house then she's already onto a good number.

[NancyPickford]

Wait. What? One of your reasons for not getting married is that your parents might not come?
So ....? You get married without them being there!

[spinningaround72]

I think your partner is feeling the same as me. I live with my bf now and he is by far the higher earner. I feel I want the security of marriage to protect me more financially before having children. Somebody said..why should she get your.money if you split. Well if she has a child in future she will probably reduce her income, pension contributions etc during maternity and the women is often the one to drop down to part time at work, more likely to suffer with their career due to having a child and shes already on the lower pay.

[Friedmushroom]

I don’t know what else you could do, sounds like she’s got a pretty good deal already! You sound similar to DP and I: we aren’t married, he earns more and has plenty of assets due to his saving and investing wisely before we got together; I didn’t and would never expect financial assurances from him in the eventuality of us splitting up. We also pay equal amounts, rather than a % of earning, for everything at my insistence. We are considering a civil partnership but more to make things easier if something happens to one of us in the future.
Maybe ask her what her expectations are? Or if you can support her with career change etc?

[Stompythedinosaur]

I'm similarly not keen on marriage. We always agreed that if we got to a situation where it was helpful to be married for financial reasons we would get married on the quiet at a registry office, no party and no need to announce it, but would have the legal protection. Would you consider that?

[Whitepriv]

Thank you all for your help, I’ll have a chat to her about expectations and update 👍

[Pollaidh]

I think as soon as you're seriously discussing having children, then you should be looking at marriage (or a civil partnership if marriage has unpleasant connotations for you). This is not for any moral reason, but purely down to protection: Whoever has the pregnancy and maternity leave is going to see an instant hit to their earning potential, and potentially, their health.

I wouldn't advise anyone to have children in a couple without marriage. In my case pregnancy left me with ongoing health problems and my career has been massively impacted from both the health issues and the usual reduction in promotion opportunities, part-time working etc that many women face. If my DH divorced me, I'd be well protected. If my boyfriend had dumped me when I had DC, I'd have been up shit creek. I have seen a number of women absolutely shafted by this, and not just on MN.

Your partner is right to feel concerned if you are discussing children. If you want to have children with her, and care about her welfare, then marriage or CP is the right thing to do.

[Velvian]

I agree with the PP about the 'lifestyle' being tailored to the higher earner, meaning it is more expensive than it needs to be for the lower earner.

If you are thinking of having children I would definitely advocate getting married. It gives legal protection that isn't otherwise available to either of you.

If you have a child and are unmarried, a father has no parental responsibility until he is named on the BC by the mother. If your baby needed medical treatment, you would not be able to make a decision on their behalf. I think this is a less talked about area than the shafting that many unmarried mothers experience after losing income and earning potential having children and bringing them up.

I would also always encourage an unmarried mother to give her children her name. So many women willingly give their the father's name and end up left to bring them up alone without even that tie to them.

Not believing in marriage is a very wishy washy position. It definitely exists and it is definitely a legal commitment to someone.

[Velvian]

I mean say 'I don't want to marry you, because I don't want to share my assets with you' - fair enough. But not 'I don't believe in marriage' - that's a shit reason.

[Pollaidh]

Er, given the parents object the the OP being gay, I don't think the OP is a man...

[Velvian]

Sorry, op. I missed that part. I guess some of the above may still apply? Otherwise, please disregard me as the shoot first and ask questions later buffoon that I am.