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Does it matter if he’s not the dad?

(167 Posts)
SquishyBones Tue 23-Jun-20 19:38:21

My first grandchild has been born. My son and his girlfriend were not together at the time she became pregnant and she had sexual relationships with two other men in that time that they were broken up. But she told him the dates match and that he’s the father. He accepted this. Baby has been born and I love her so much. DS’s dad however (my ex) is certain that DS is not the dad. He says the babies skin is too dark, she has dark eyes (dark blue as most Caucasian babies have) and dark hair. DS is blonde and fair.

I have become very attached to the baby but whenever I share my excitement I’m told “be careful” “try to detach just incase” etc etc ...

The social services are involved and are acting as though DS is definitely the dad. AIBU to decide it doesn’t matter if he isn’t?? I’ve already become attached.

OP’s posts: |
Grapewrath Tue 23-Jun-20 19:43:12

Is there any reason your son won’t have a DNA test?
If ss are involved at a child protection level or a public law outline level they may seek alternative care for the baby. You need to ascertain if this baby is your son’s for this reason if it is at that stage.

Mumoblue Tue 23-Jun-20 19:44:11

I suppose it depends how things go.
Does your stand understand that even if she thinks she's sure, there's still a good chance he's not the dad?
Are they together now in a good way or just for the baby?

I'm a strong believer in the fact that family is not determined by blood, and that parenting is based on who is there as much as DNA. But it's important to be honest and truthful about it going forward. If your son isn't the bio dad, the child should know.

If he plans to stay with the mum and to act as a father to the child, there's no reason you cant become attached and to call the child your grandchild.

SquishyBones Tue 23-Jun-20 19:45:59

My son is on the autistic spectrum. He is obsessed with the baby and won’t have it said that she isn’t his. Personally I think she is, she looks like him (if not a little darker but babies are darker at first?).

Not child protection level.

OP’s posts: |
SquishyBones Tue 23-Jun-20 19:47:04

They are no longer together. Social services are sorting out supervised contact for DS

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Tue 23-Jun-20 19:47:32

Your son needs to get a DNA test. To not is just foolish.

schoolfeewoes Tue 23-Jun-20 19:48:03

From a legal perspective it may matter he is not the biological father, but being a dad is more than biology.

Only reason for a DNA test if any of the concerned parties want it. If he is happy to love and care for a child which may not be his, then that's up to him.

If things go south, and he isn't the father you will get hurt. But as the saying goes- better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

PotteringAlong Tue 23-Jun-20 19:48:07

He needs a DNA test. It does matter because, if he isn’t, and in the future a blood test / genetics at school / god forbid they need treatment like a transplant comes up and the fallout for him and the baby is a million times worse.

BadAlice Tue 23-Jun-20 19:48:17

Once he’s on the BC it doesn’t really matter.

LisaSimpsonsbff Tue 23-Jun-20 19:50:49

He needs to know. If he's having supervised contact now then it seems fairly likely that the mother will try and stop this at some future point - I'm assuming all isn't amicable, hence the supervised contact - and if she then is able to prove the baby isn't his he'll have no access rights at all. I'd want to know as soon as possible if that was a possibility.

Mumoblue Tue 23-Jun-20 19:52:29

I think doing a DNA may be painful for him emotionally but it's much better to know early rather than later.
Something could happen and she could take it back and say he isn't the most likely father. I think in this case it's best to know for sure.

TimeIhadaNameChange Tue 23-Jun-20 19:52:37

I'm very fair with blonde hair. My baby was born with olive skin, blue eyes and black hair but now, at 3 months, had my colouring. So I wouldn't discount her being your grandchild yet. If you love her and are happy to be in her life regardless then no, it doesn't matter.

TinyPigeon Tue 23-Jun-20 19:52:53

My incredibly blonde and blue eyed toddler son had black hair and dark eyes at birth.

KenDodd Tue 23-Jun-20 19:53:45

Is he on the BC?

If he is and is later shown not to be the biological dad does this legally change things?

CalamityJoan Tue 23-Jun-20 19:54:06

He absolutely should have a DNA test.

ComtesseDeSpair Tue 23-Jun-20 19:54:27

If they’re not together then he needs to know either way: things might be amicable enough now but what if in a year / two years / five years baby’s mother decides he can’t be the father after all and blocks contact?

AskingforaBaskin Tue 23-Jun-20 19:55:01

Of course it matters! That baby has a right to know who it's parents are.

Cocobean30 Tue 23-Jun-20 19:55:53

If he isn’t even with the mum you need to do a dna test, it doesn’t make any sense not to. She could change her mind at any time and reveal the real father and cut out your son, which would be worse further down the line.

GeorgeTheFirst Tue 23-Jun-20 19:56:29

Yes. It matters. They are not together and if he ever needs to go to court and she says he isn't the father, DNA tests will be done then. Better to find out now

ComtesseDeSpair Tue 23-Jun-20 19:57:04

If you both consider the baby family regardless of parentage then that’s lovely and there’s no reason - if her mother wants that - that you can’t be her grandmother. But a lovely snuggly baby is totally different to an older child or teenager - if the baby wasn’t his, would you DH still want to commit the next 18+ years to her emotionally, physically and financially?

Sunnydayshereatlast Tue 23-Jun-20 19:58:23

Def have a dna test.. Not being harsh but 18 years of Cms is a lot of money..
Obviously emotionallly invested is greater..

NoraEphronsneck Tue 23-Jun-20 19:59:12

Not only does it matter for the baby's sake, the mother sounds like a nightmare and as they're not together and ss are involved, not a great basis for a relationship of any kind.

She could turn around next year and say not his after all and not a thing anyone could do about it.

Tread carefully.

helpmum2003 Tue 23-Jun-20 19:59:30

I think he should get DNA.

The relationship clearly has a lot of problems already. Without being mean it won't be worth the hassle in the long run if they're not together AND he's not the father. And the child deserves to know who their father is. I wouldn't necessarily believe the mother on that one and with the best will in the world if she had 3 partners close together it isn't always possible to know.

Sooooobored Tue 23-Jun-20 20:01:33

I know someone in a similar position and the grandparents looked after the child every weekend for a couple of years. After a dna test it turned out their son wasn’t the father after all and it devastated everyone. I say get the test done ASAP.

Spied Tue 23-Jun-20 20:01:52

It does matter.
Your son needs to know as do you.
What happens if the mother decides one day that he isn't the father and he's spent years believing that he is?
How will you feel building a bond with your granddaughter to be suddenly told she's nothing to do with you and stopped from seeing her?
How will granddaughter feel in the future if she discovers her 'Dad' isn't her Dad? ( could be medical issues or anything that uncovers the truth- not necessarily the Mum)
What if o e of these other potential fathers gets in touch with the mother and wants a DNA test?

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