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Really need to stop being so irrationally angry...

(89 Posts)
MustBeBU Tue 23-Jun-20 14:06:25


I have NC as, quite frankly, I'm not proud of myself and I'm not too keen on associating my other posts with this nonsense.

Anyway... I feel angry. For background, I live with my OH, our two children, and FIL. FIL has a grandchild, who I will call Tom, who is an adult, that technically lives here too. He has his own bedroom.

He pays zero rent to stay here. He refuses to contribute to food shopping, gas, electricity, internet. He uses the internet, a lot, often it's slowed right down because he is downloading (illegally) tons of games to his laptop for his xbox, PS4, etc. He eats the food that's in the house most days and treats himself to a takeaway when he fancies it. He regularly tells me he's hungry and wants to know what's for dinner, ie. what am I cooking him. I think it goes without saying that he uses gas and electric. He doesn't work, he is a mature student so he gets a student loan. He refuses to be available to help out if OH needs help with the kids (they're both quite young).

A few weeks ago (but during lockdown, I might add), Tom decided fuck it, he's going to stay for a while with his friend. It took everyone else by surprise. He and OH used to be very close, but now Tom is a miserable, selfish arse that only seems to care about himself. He has no children and no partner, which is not a criticism, he's only in his late twenties, I'm just adding to make sure the full picture is there.

After Tom fucked off left, I decided that the surplus of canned food etc that has been clogging up the kitchen and even the hallway needed to be moved. Tom made it very clear that he has no intention of returning until university starts again in September/October. (PS we didn't stockpile food, for some reason we just have a lot building up). So, I moved it all to Tom's bedroom. That is now my makeshift pantry.

Now, Tom has become aware that his bedroom is being used for storage, and is barking orders at FIL to make sure it's cleared up before he gets back, which could be 'at any time'.

So yes, as I mentioned before, I'm not going to deny it, I'm angry!! The sense of entitlement is driving me up the wall. I rarely get this bothered by other people's behaviour but when I do, I start to think of ways to make things more difficult for the person that wronged me, which is not an acceptable trait to have. So just to give an example, part of me wants to throw MORE shit in his room. This is vindictive. I have no intention of acting on this.

So I'm asking for rational people to a) tell me if Tom really is a huge Dickhead, or if I'm being judgemental and entitled; and b) to tell me what a rational kind person would do, instead of what a hot tempered PMSing banshee would do. I imagine they're two different things grin


OP’s posts: |
MummBraTheEverLeaking Tue 23-Jun-20 14:10:20

Tom is a dickhead. Is it you and OH that own the house or FIL? Cause if it's the former Tom can eff right off!

FrenchBoule Tue 23-Jun-20 14:11:12

To whom the house belongs to? FIL’s grandson, is he your OH’s child?

Sunnydayshereatlast Tue 23-Jun-20 14:11:20

Time for you, dh and dc to find a new home..
Or issue The Golden One with a tenancy /lodger agreement with some figures on it.
Can't imagine fil chucking him out though when he refused to pay up.
Not a great example to have around your dc long term.
Woidl be changing WiFi passwords at the very least before he gets back.

reinacorriendo Tue 23-Jun-20 14:12:39

Tom is acting like a prize penis.

Until he pays his way he shouldn’t “own” the room. Fuck him hope the tons of beans are cosy in his bed

reinacorriendo Tue 23-Jun-20 14:13:02


MustBeBU Tue 23-Jun-20 14:13:11

Co-owned by OH and FIL, neither of whom want Tom to move out, although OH is slowly beginning to show cracks too. FIL seems oblivious, and thinks 'poor Tom's bedroom is full of crap'. I accept that if this was my close family member, maybe I'd be more kind, so I'm trying really hard to step back and think rationally.

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MustBeBU Tue 23-Jun-20 14:14:51

OH's brother's child. Much older than our children, because there's a large age gap between OH and his siblings.

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MustBeBU Tue 23-Jun-20 14:15:45


Tom is acting like a prize penis.

Until he pays his way he shouldn’t “own” the room. Fuck him hope the tons of beans are cosy in his bed

I might crochet them some blankets grin

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ThanosSavedMe Tue 23-Jun-20 14:16:00

Yes it really depends on who’s house it is. If it’s yours and dh, kick him out. If it’s FIL, find somewhere else to live. If jointly owned by you, dh and fil, set some ground rules and let him know before he comes back that things have changed and his former behaviour will no longer be tolerated.

Change the WiFi passcode now to something only you know. Set it up on your dh and fil gadgets if they cannot be trusted to. It give him the code. Change it regularly or simply turn it off.

ThanosSavedMe Tue 23-Jun-20 14:17:21

And don’t do a damn thing for him. No cooking, cleaning, laundry, lifts etc

StylishMummy Tue 23-Jun-20 14:23:03

Your DH needs a can of man-up and needs to lay down the law for this cocklodger. How has this situation evolved? And why are you living in a house that you have no legal claim to?

MustBeBU Tue 23-Jun-20 14:30:26

@StylishMummy very good questions. As far as me living in a house I have no legal claim to, this is because I was extremely naive when I moved in with my partner and I have only really started to realise the drawbacks of my living situation as my children get older. Or in other words, I'm an idiot.

As for how the situation evolved, Tom used to be the complete opposite to how he is now. He was on benefits for a while before he decided to go to uni. He was always willing to step in and mind the kids for an hour or so if we needed it. He didn't have much money so he wasn't expected to pay towards living here, but he used to tidy up and help out to 'pay his way'.

Now, he has money in the form of student finance, he has friends he likes to spend time with, he likes to go out drinking and buy trainers, he feels he's too busy to have to do any housework, and he doesn't believe he should have to pay to live here just because he has more money; as though people are somehow trying to take advantage of him. His mum thinks that 'he's still a boy and people are expecting too much from him'. It's all a shit show really. One of those slow moving car crash type things.

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AllyBamma Tue 23-Jun-20 14:39:10

Unfortunately if FIL is part owner and sees no problem with how Tom is behaving, and you have no legal standing with the home then it’s a difficult situation. Very frustrating though and you are not being unreasonable to be so mad. Your best bet is to get your OH on side and get him to make it clear to Tom that this house is not a hotel and if he intends on staying either he contributes financially or around the house in other ways. Shape up or ship out essentially.
I know it’s not the best time but have you explored the option of finding a place to live without FIL and Tom?

ferntwist Tue 23-Jun-20 14:40:02

YANBU. He’s taking advantage and you’re bearing the brunt. You have to talk to your OH and make your feelings clear. You’ve got your own kids to think of too. Money and space Tom is using could be for them.

GinDrinker00 Tue 23-Jun-20 14:41:18

Tom is a CF. Do it OP, Chuck a few more tins in there for good measure. 😈

sadie9 Tue 23-Jun-20 14:43:01

He sees it as his family home. His Grandad and Uncle are fine with him and have no issues.

Instead of talking about it with Grandad and OH, you put a lot of tins in his room.

MustBeBU Tue 23-Jun-20 14:53:23

@AllyBamma I have indeed, and I have to say it's always at the back of my mind. FIL is getting on in his years, and OH plans to have this house as the family home when all is said and done. For me to be able to move elsewhere, it would need to just be me and the kids. Sometimes this feels more pressing than others. Right now, I'm just in a haze of indignation.

@sadie9 I'm very aware that my actions are not really the most appropriate. I did mention though that OH is beginning to get extremely fed up of Tom taking the piss. He is not happy at all. FIL gives me a sympathetic shrug if I tell him that I'm not comfortable with what Tom is doing. But ultimately, OH worries that Tom would go completely off the rails if he couldn't live here any more. FIL has his own issues with Tom too. But close family members aren't likely to turf each other out on their arses, and I wouldn't expect them to. OH was very hurt when Tom buggered off. He actually plans to change the WiFi password himself. The kids actually miss him, which makes me even more pissed off! I moved the tins into his room because I wanted to 'take some control'. I know that's not the nicest thing to do.

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AllyBamma Tue 23-Jun-20 14:58:52

So what happens when FIL is gone and it’s your family... and Tom? Your OH needs to have a word about what the long term plans are, surely he doesn’t think Tom is staying with you, rent free, forever?

Maybe OH needs to realize where his priorities should lie and that if his wife has entertained the thought of finding a place for the her and the kids without him, then it’s high time Tom got his marching orders.

AllyBamma Tue 23-Jun-20 15:01:51

And I might add if Tom is in his late 20s, he’s old enough to find a place of his own and sort his own life out without fear of him going off the rails. He’s not 12, it’s not your responsibility. You wouldn’t be turfing him out on his arse, you’d be encouraging him to bloody well grow up and get a life

Ginfordinner Tue 23-Jun-20 15:08:22

Why is he not living with his parents?

Stanleyville Tue 23-Jun-20 15:10:19

Where's Tom's dad? Could you end up in a situation where FIL leaves his part of the house to DP and Tom, and then Tom part owns your home?

MustBeBU Tue 23-Jun-20 15:18:23

@AllyBamma funnily enough, whenever I tentatively bring up our future living arrangements and ask about where Tom would live, OH gives me a hmm, he seems to be very confused that I would think Tom wouldn't stay with us for the next few decades. It really makes my jaw drop, I've never known anything like this, and I thought I was very close to my family! I don't 'hate' Tom, as I said before he used to be the total opposite and he genuinely felt like a brother to me. His selfish behaviour is affecting not only OH and FIL but I draw the line at seeing my kids disappointed to be honest. It just makes me angry and it makes me want to be mean. Even if he gets his act together though, I think I'd still rather have my family unit just being me, OH and DCs. I will definitely welcome any and all suggestions so I can move past this smile

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ArriettyJones Tue 23-Jun-20 15:22:29

Is it possible you’re misdirecting rage you feel about your own legal situation at Tom?

Your OH holds all the cards (and equity) here. Are you not really a bit peeved at him? You and Tom are both really guests in the household, legally speaking, and you could both be asked to leave at any time, without notice. I really wouldn’t rock the boat and cause ill feeling. Your “FIL” could easily take the view that he’s hosting and subsidising Tom in the same way that your OH is hosting and subsiding THREE people.

The idea Tom is much better off as a student than he was when unemployed seems like a stretch, anyway, and it’s understandable that a grandfather would want to support him through a degree.

Finally, if you’re not deliberately stockpiling, bug the house is filling with canned goods, stop buying them, stop anyone else buying them and take some to a good bank collection point. Shoving them in the nephew’s room and generally making her scapegoat for your problems is just childish.

MustBeBU Tue 23-Jun-20 15:23:06

Tom's dad has his own house many miles away from where we live, they're in the country and we're in the city. Tom doesn't like living with his parents, because they expect him to help out around the house hmm. He has two much younger siblings that his mum would appreciate if he picked up and dropped off at school, they would love for him to move back home so he could be another adult around the house to help out. He doesn't drive but they're very keen for him to learn.

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