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Is he rude or am I over sensitive?

(26 Posts)
Pregnantandstressed24 Tue 23-Jun-20 11:36:00

Hi all,

I’m currently 6 months pregnant with first baby, after a long time of trying and being diagnosed with endometriosis. I’ve been diagnosed with a liver condition which has resulted in my liver not functioning properly and weekly hospital visits for baby, due to a strong chance of pre-term birth and risk of stillborn. We still don’t have exact reasons on what is causing any of this. Needless to say, this has been a tough time.

My husband and I have been married 7 months. Recently he has been showing me a lack of empathy including getting irritated with me voicing occasional worries or concerns about baby, not interacting with bump at all and getting irate and snappy with me when I speak or say I’m having pain. I understand he is likely worried too. The thing I’m finding hard to deal with is the rudeness, harsh tone of voice and acting like I’m a constant irritant just for being. This morning he complained at me for not doing the dishwasher ‘Oh guess I’m doing the dishes, you just sit there on your arse’ (I’m actually WFH) and said I had woken him up by replying to him when he asked me a question this morning. He has called me a fucking idiot and said he is sick of me and won’t be doing my visa because he doesn’t care anymore. I’ve been trying to sort my visa with him for a while as he will be moving back to his home country in January, and the wait time is now showing as 12-20 months. He doesn’t understand why I’m so worried about being left in the U.K. with a small baby. I can’t afford to rent a place on my maternity pay and have nobody to help with childcare to allow me to work.

Im feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to proceed. I don’t know if I’m being sensitive or if he is being a dick.

OP’s posts: |
StealthPolarBear Tue 23-Jun-20 11:38:57

Oh you poor thing he is abusing you.
Do you have family and support around you?

growinggreyer Tue 23-Jun-20 11:42:48

* he will be moving back to his home country in January*

This is very alarming, OP. Please tell us more about your situation. Are you a UK national, living in the UK? Where are you planning to move to? There is a lot to think about here. Take time to think about what is best in the long term for you and your little one.

Pregnantandstressed24 Tue 23-Jun-20 11:57:06

I’m from the U.K. and we live here currently. He is from the US.

OP’s posts: |
Cherrysoup Tue 23-Jun-20 11:59:15

Dear god, do not go to the US with the baby! He”s an abusive arsehole and won”t improve. You won’t be allowed home with the baby if you live over there and it is the baby”s usual residence.

Thingsdogetbetter Tue 23-Jun-20 12:00:15

He is not just rude. He IS abusive. Often starts in pregnancy because the abuser is no longer the sole focus of attention.

Are you planning to move with him to his country? Before or after birth? Because you will then be cut off from your support system, financially dependent and may be trapped there because you can't take your dc out of that country without his permission.

Thehop Tue 23-Jun-20 12:00:28

Which country did you marry inOP?

You are being abused by him and could really do with some specialist advice. Can you call women’s aid whilst he’s out or have a chat with a good solicitor?

Oly4 Tue 23-Jun-20 12:01:10

He is indeed abusing you and you should seek professional help for what to do. Sorry you’re going through this

Thehop Tue 23-Jun-20 12:01:17

Do NOT go to the USA with him. Do not leave England. Please.

Nanny0gg Tue 23-Jun-20 12:01:53

Do not go! You will be stuck there as you won't be able to bring your baby home!!

Make plans to go it alone here.

So sorry OP

Thingsdogetbetter Tue 23-Jun-20 12:02:13

Cross post. Dear God no! Trapped in the US, unable to work because of visa restrictions and unable to return with your child! With a man who treats you so appallingly already. Fuck no.

RhodaDendron Tue 23-Jun-20 12:03:40

He’s being absolutely horrid. There is no excuse for him to treat you like this, nothing you have said about your health is in any way a reason connected to his nastiness and in fact should result in him being kind not mean. Can you stay with family in the short term?

AryaStarkWolf Tue 23-Jun-20 12:04:26

Yeah don't take your baby out of the country, you may have a very difficult time trying to get that child back to the UK if you (and honestly it sounds like you should separate) ever want to go home.

Do you have any family support? Anyone you could move in with for a while?

Apple1029 Tue 23-Jun-20 12:08:54

He is abusive.
But please dont say that you are foolish enough to go with him to the US?
He is showing you how horrible he is now , what do you think is going to happen when the baby is here.
You have 3 months to sort yourself out. He has clearly warned you what's the future going to be like with a baby and in a new country. It's your choice to make a wise decision for yourself.

sillysmiles Tue 23-Jun-20 12:18:31

If you are having weekly hospital appointments and his attitude is like that, I can't imagine he is going to the appointments with you. Is there anyone in the hospital you can reach out to for help and guidance?
Do you have family? Parents? Siblings?

ThanosSavedMe Tue 23-Jun-20 12:21:30

Please do not go to the us with him as you won’t be able to leave with your child without his permission when (not if) it all goes tits up

GabriellaMontez Tue 23-Jun-20 12:26:07

Rude? He's abusive. Its not unusual for men to show their abusive side when their wife becomes pregnant. You're vulnerable. He's a bully. He wont get better.

Dont go to the US.

dreamingbohemian Tue 23-Jun-20 12:28:17

However difficult it would be to have a baby on your own in the UK, it would be a million times worse in the US (little or no benefits, no support system, you might not be able to work etc). So you would basically be trapped into staying with him. You would not be able to come back to the UK without his permission.

The fact that he is holding the visa over your head now is very worrying. It will be even worse if you go, he'll be threatening to divorce you and have you deported.

You really do need to stay in the UK. Have you checked what benefits you would be entitled to? Don't panic until you do this.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 23-Jun-20 12:28:27

Have you got any friends or family in the UK?

PopeyeSpinach Tue 23-Jun-20 12:29:41

You're from the uk, cant your family help? Id divorce him. He is an asshole not rude.

Becca8675309 Tue 23-Jun-20 12:36:39

There is also no NHS and no free prescriptions in the States - he would have to be working and add you to his medical cover - your medical coverage as his wife is not automatic! (I lived there for 10 years). Also I went to the US myself on fiancee/spouse visa and could not work for a long time (so TOTALLY dependant on my husband), after getting permission to work, I had to then wait 5 years for my citizenship and had to pay an immigration lawyer and filled out endless paperwork including having to submit loads of evidence from my husband and his family as evidence of a "real" marriage - it takes a ton of work and you can't do it unless your spouse is willing to back you 100%. You need to think about this very hard.

lickthewrapper Tue 23-Jun-20 12:44:46

It doesn't sound like he respects you or understands in the least what's going on for you and the baby. Forget about him and focus on the bundle of joy inside you. I suspect he is not helping you to get the visa so he can leave without you and the baby. Maybe he plans to go back and disappear without a trace. I wouldn't go with him. If he really wants you and the baby, he can sort out the visa himself. That's something he should be doing anyway.

FrogFairy Tue 23-Jun-20 12:51:53

Please tell your midwife he is abusive, they will help you.

If you stay in the UK, you will qualify for financial help - UC, council tax benefit and help with child care costs.

qwertyuiop098 Wed 24-Jun-20 20:50:19

How are you doing @Pregnantandstressed24?

NoMoreReluctantCustodians Wed 24-Jun-20 21:26:40

Another one saying please dont go to the US with him. You have options here. You could end up totally trapped there.

You are so not being oversensitive

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