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AIBU?

Says Im a bad mum

31 replies

Mum2Girls19 · 23/06/2020 11:32

So in a bit of a situation and just want some advice as to whether what to do...
Ex partner is a key worker so hasnt seen his kids since February.
Hes constantly playing games with maintenance and contact anyway before lockdown started not to mention the abuse I get off his girlfriend.

Now hes asking to see them, he asked last weekend but i was ill suspected covid so we were self isolating, I tested negative but still feel bad, explained to him that no lockdown is still happening and i dont want to put the girls under any stress after keeping them safe for weeks and we end up sick
He says that im being ridiculous and lockdown is pretty much over when everything opens on 4th July and I cannot stop him seeing his kids.
I told him he can come and practice social distancing whilst seeing them in our garden given the weather is going to be nice, he says that hes going to take me back to court and he will get 50/50 custody and his gf will be a better mum than I am..
I'm so upset, I dont think he knows how hard lock down is, with the kids being at home and me and hubby trying to work too plus Im still not feeling well.

Should I just give in and let him have them?

OP posts:

Report

Am I being unreasonable?

68 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

87%

You are NOT being unreasonable

13%

InkieNecro · 23/06/2020 11:35

Children have been allowed to see both of their separated parents throughout lockdown, so yes he should see them.

However he is an absolute arsehole and I can see why you would be reluctant. You have my utmost sympathy for having to deal with him.

Blanca87 · 23/06/2020 11:37

Go through cms and set up proper contact through the courts. He sounds like an arse wipe.

naima99 · 23/06/2020 11:40

He sounds like a dickhead and I would be worried about the comment about his girlfriend being a better mum than you. What's he like around the kids?

PicsInRed · 23/06/2020 11:42

From his messages, saying his gf will be a better mum - he's clearly an abusive twat, but the pandemic is officially not a reason to withhold contact from a parent who wants contact. The govt specifically issued guidance.

I would advise you settle this out of court and rapidly.

heartsonacake · 23/06/2020 11:45

YABU. You shouldn’t have denied him contact all this time and if it goes to court they will look unfavourably on you for jeopardising their relationship.

BostonCheers · 23/06/2020 11:46

The comment about his gf being a better mum is not acceptable. But I can see why he's upset and annoyed as you've stopped him seeing his DC for 4 months.

The law has been clear that handover and custody arrangements must continue as normal throughout lockdown, so there is no reason why he shouldn't have been seeing them.

If he goes to court, he will be able to use your refusal of contact as evidence of unreasonable behaviour and he will likely get 50-50 custody.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 23/06/2020 12:08

Tbh if i were him, and you'd stopped me seeing my children for 4 months even though the regulations said he could have content, I'd probably be threatening you with court as well. Can you imagine not seeing your children for 4 months!? YABU.

RhodaDendron · 23/06/2020 12:10

@BostonCheers OP doesn’t say she stopped him from seeing his kids, just that he hasn’t because he’s a keyworker, and that he was flaky beforehand anyway.

Sorry OP he seems like an arse, good luck.

BostonCheers · 23/06/2020 12:24

@RhodaDendron

She is stopping him seeing his kids- "I dont want to put the girls under any stress after keeping them safe for weeks and we end up sick"

recycledbottle · 23/06/2020 12:27

You dont specifically say that you stopped him from seeing his children for the last four months but it is clear you are making it difficult now. I would bring you to Court also.

SadSisters · 23/06/2020 12:30

He sounds like an arsehole, but you should be allowing contact. The government have been clear about this.

I would try and get this settled now because if he does go to court it will be stressful and expensive, and it’s entirely possible that he would be granted 50/50 access.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/06/2020 12:38

It's not clear in your post - have you prevented him from seeing the children because he's a key worker? YABVU if so. My ex is a keyworker and has been seeing DS throughout.

Your ex does sound like an arse but you have no right to stop contact.

bubbleup · 23/06/2020 12:46

"explained to him that no lockdown is still happening"

Hmm. Yes and throughout "lockdown" you were allowed to continue with your custody arrangements as normal.

I'd take you to court

Abitouting · 23/06/2020 12:58

The comment about his gf is shit but you stopping him seeing his children is much worse. And I would be livid if I was told I could see them BUT at a distance in the garden.

chromeo · 23/06/2020 13:06

I'd also take you to court. I think there are two separate issues here. He's a dick but is speaking out of anger. I try and imagine how I would feel if someone stopped me from seeing my son for an extended period. I think i would say some pretty awful things. I would be devastated.

Mum2Girls19 · 23/06/2020 13:12

He told me in March that he wouldnt see the girls because he was a key worker and it would be difficult to keep social distances as he was in contact with lots of people, he also had no hoildays so he couldnt take any time.
I've asked several times since then if he would see his children or contact them, he says im just trying to "get rid of them"
I can assure you im not I just want my children to have contact with their dad.

He keeps coming back to this "keyworker" phrase which I think he is just mis using as he refused to see them even when I have suggested coming into our garden space and seeing them..

I only refused last weekend as we were in isolation

OP posts:

vanillandhoney · 23/06/2020 13:13

Why aren't you letting him see his kids?

His comment is a low-blow but your behaviour isn't much better. Let him see his children!

chromeo · 23/06/2020 13:15

So you've asked him numerous times to see the kids during lockdown, but now you don't want to send them... because of lockdown...

BlingLoving · 23/06/2020 13:19

has he been requesting, and have you been facilitating, phone calls/ skype/facetime with his children to maintain contact while he was not seeing them as a result of feeling the risk was too great? If you have offered this and he has not accepted it, I think it will probably stand you in good stead in court. Especially if you have proof. If you didn't, then like others have said, you might find it difficult to justify why he hasn't had them.

Once you agree he can see them, you can't now dictate the terms of that. guidance says parents can see their children, including key worker parents. Some families have chosen to isolate the key worker from the rest of the family but it's not required legally. If that is what has been happening and now he feels its time to stop, then I don't think you have any room to suddenly put rules in place. Self isolating with suspected Covid from last week is fine, but now, if he wants to see the kids, he should be allowed to do so.

Mum2Girls19 · 23/06/2020 13:21

No I asked him to have his kids orginally, he said no because he was a key worker and they were at risk, so I left it.

Ive tried several times to get him to see the kids it wasnt untill I was unwell that he suddenly wanted to see them, I only then said no because we were self isolating but I still feel unwell as I said above...
Doctors advised that some tests are negative are false negatives and to monitor my symptoms.
I have told him this and he can come to our garden and see them social distancing, he says he has no intention of social distancing and wants his kids full time at his house regardless.
I feel like I cant do anything right or wrong

OP posts:

chromeo · 23/06/2020 13:23

So tell him he can see them next weekend once 14 days have passed?

EmeraldShamrock · 23/06/2020 13:24

I'd walk over coal to see my DC at a social distance as much as possible if a key worker, you offered.
He hasn't bothered as it doesn't suite him.
I'm not sure if you can continue to stop him unless there is a big risk involved.

Angelonia · 23/06/2020 13:26

Why should he have to wait 14 days when the test came back negative?

Mum2Girls19 · 23/06/2020 13:27

chromeo I have mentioned that, he says that he wants to take them to a party this weekend with his gf which im not sure is a good thing. Our youngest has chronic asthma and has been shielding..she hasnt even gone back to school..

I feel like he couldnt care less when we were in lockdown, had no contact all the way through April and May but now suddenly he wants them all and forget the lockdown restrictions all to together.

OP posts:

chromeo · 23/06/2020 13:29

Sounds like court would be a good thing. Why don't you get your court application in first?

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