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To want to do our own thing long term.

(122 Posts)
Kaj29 Tue 23-Jun-20 09:54:43

I understand that most people are closer to their families and have missed them dearly during lockdown and it’s nice we can now see them (albeit whilst social distancing).

But here’s my story. I have a partner and two dc. Oh works long hours during the week and every weekend we were expected to travel to go visit the in laws and my family so they could see the children. They never came to us. Bearing in mind both dc have additional needs and our families aren’t elderly so are very able to travel themselves so they could come to us. Our whole weekends would consist of keeping everyone else happy and having little time to ourselves. It was getting emotionally and physically draining. Our families can be quite hard work for various reasons. We aren’t the average family. I would say my family is borderline toxic. If we didn’t visit we would be asked why we didn’t want to go over etc and being made to feel guilty. They both live within half an hour of our home isn’t far at all but travelling, visiting etc means we had no time to ourselves.

Lockdown has been an absolute relief. I understand it’s not this way for everyone but for us it’s been amazing. Oh has worked all the way through but we’ve spent more time than ever at home. Got some gardening & diy done. We live in the country and near the coast so we’ve spent some time as a family of 4 without worrying about keeping everyone happy. It’s been fantastic to be honest.

Obviously I’m not saying we aren’t going to visit family at all but aibu to cut it right down to perhaps once or twice a month?

Neither family are lonely. Oh’s parents have grown up children at home. My parents have two teenagers. Neither are elderly.

I just want to stay in our own little bubble for sometime longer. To enjoy the summer without pleasing everyone else first.

Aibu to feel like this?

OP’s posts: |
onalongsabbatical Tue 23-Jun-20 09:58:57

I literally could not stab that YANBU button fast enough. You've been dancing to their tune forever OP. Time to find your own rhythm of life. The fact that they refuse to make the effort to visit you tells all - they do not remotely care for your well being, they just want you to perform family for them.
I'd go to once every six weeks maximum in these circumstances. No arguments or pleading - we're busy, we're staying home, we're not available, la la la.

Ellisandra Tue 23-Jun-20 10:01:37

All the extra info about distance, other people, age... you have a little way to go to accept that you don’t need to find excuses for this!

Brace yourself, and do it.

violetbunny Tue 23-Jun-20 10:03:37

YANBU at all. Let them complain or strop but out your own family first. Life's too short.

Claracracker Tue 23-Jun-20 10:03:46

Perfect time to change things. Maybe meet with them all for a picnic and walk once a month in the summer. Invite them
To
Yours and if they refuse suggest a date in a few weeks to go to
Theirs. Choose what will
Work
For you. It may have just become a routine that Noones ever questioned. Maybe not. But no
Point going back
To
A routine
That’s unnecessary and impacting negatively
On your family.

violetbunny Tue 23-Jun-20 10:03:54

Put, not out

Shoxfordian Tue 23-Jun-20 10:06:26

Stop running around trying to make everyone happy. Have you spoken to your dp about it? If he wants to reduce meeting the extended family too then you should be able to do so easily. Say no to any pressure or guilt from them, just keep exerting your boundaries

Redcrow Tue 23-Jun-20 10:07:43

I will definitely be living more for what my dh, daughters and I want. I'm in a similar boat to you that weekends didnt used to feel like our own. I'm going to make much more effort to say no to others

Kaj29 Tue 23-Jun-20 10:13:14

Thank you everyone 🌸 I’m poop at saying no to people and they make me feel guilty if we don’t visit but I will try stand my ground. Oh will be extremely happy, if not happier than me about this. He’s mentioned it a few times about needing to stay in more but he goes with the flow. He’s not had any time off work but we’ve still managed to get a lot done in our garden and in the home!! I really don’t want to go back to where we were before. I’ve felt like my overall stress levels are much lower and it’s nice to wake up at the weekend and realise that I haven’t got to drive anywhere or visit anyone today!

OP’s posts: |
LillianBland Tue 23-Jun-20 10:15:25

I have to say, other than financial difficulties and the obvious worry any parent has, with a vulnerable child, I’ve absolutely benefited from lockdown. It has enabled me to get someone toxic out of my life and I’ve no intention of letting them back in.

As another poster has says, invite them down once a month, but don’t go up if they say it doesn’t them. Just tell them that you’ll see them next month. They come down one month, you go up the next. Tell them that you e seen how your children have benefited from not having to travel every weekend and for that you’re sure they’ll agree that the children’s health and welfare comes first. If you find yourself weakening, keep your children in mind, so that gives you strength. Don’t fall into that habit of making excuses as to why you need to go visiting them.

RandomMess Tue 23-Jun-20 10:16:21

Read up on Toxic families and toxic in laws also FOG.

You and DH need to be on the same page.

Visit them once per month and say they are welcome to come and visit you once per month.

You need to go broken record "no, that doesn't work for us".

Sunnydayshereatlast Tue 23-Jun-20 10:16:41

Get a pet op. Perfect excuse to not be out every week end /out too long.
But seriously pull on your big girl pants and tell them you are doing xyz at home with dh /dc. Nurturing your family is more important than pandering to lazy buggars.. Relatives or not you don't have to like them!!

Shoxfordian Tue 23-Jun-20 10:17:03

Maybe mark out days on the calendar you're happy to go see the family and any other days you can say
Sorry we're not available
We're busy
No need to provide a lot of further information or discussion about it if they'll try to talk you out of it. Is it worth reducing contact more generally? Invite them over to yours if you want them there, if they say no then you can say never mind, can't see you then.

300XLTriColour Tue 23-Jun-20 10:17:22

What everyone else said.

“Performing” family is spot on.

Set yourself a schedule and stick to it. Invite to yours and if they don’t come that’s that opportunity gone.

Practice responses like that ‘doesn’t work for us.’ ‘We can’t come to you this weekend.’ ‘We’ve got things planned for the next few weeks but I’ll get back to you for a date to come to us.’

don’t add sorry or an explanation, just short sentences, repeat if needs be then stop.)

You can do this! Enjoy your time off in your own home!!

300XLTriColour Tue 23-Jun-20 10:19:05

RandomMess

Read up on Toxic families and toxic in laws also FOG.

You and DH need to be on the same page.

Visit them once per month and say they are welcome to come and visit you once per month.

You need to go broken record "no, that doesn't work for us".

I wouldn’t offer once a month at yours and once at theirs! If parents and in-laws do take you up on it that’s every weekend gone already!!

BrieAndChilli Tue 23-Jun-20 10:20:10

I would go and visit them once a month (Both sets in same weekend) and invite them to yours once a month too. Maybe to some activity that is near your house. The other weekends be busy, don’t need to give a reason just that you are busy even if that’s lazing around at home

Nearlyalmost50 Tue 23-Jun-20 10:21:14

You are so not being unreasonable!

Your life before sounds stressful and not ideal for the children either, when they need down time on the weekend and to spend more time with you as a family.

As everyone says, just decide what you want to do, say one weekend a month (rotating visits), people welcome to pop over as only 30 min away, and go and live your own lives. I can't believe you put up with doing this for so long!

BacklashStarts Tue 23-Jun-20 10:22:11

Jesus, fuck that!

Take turns - one month you go there, one they come to you. They don’t want to? They miss out to the next month.

My parents do this ‘you come to us’ bullshit too. Result - they see us less and we ignore pouty faces when we turn up without one of the kids because of parties etc (in normal circs). They invented these rules - see how they like being held to them.

GracieLane Tue 23-Jun-20 10:25:04

When do you get down time? Days out as a family? Time to have friends over? Time to deep clean or do there gardening? Time to lie in? To read a book? Have a family movie night? Chat with the neighbours? Seeing parents/in laws/grandparents is all well and good, but not at the expense of the rest of your life. It is always ok to prioritise your family life and self care over the extended family.

RandomMess Tue 23-Jun-20 10:25:13

I agree once per month alternating!

GracieLane Tue 23-Jun-20 10:25:31

You don't need to find a justification though you can just say no!

EL8888 Tue 23-Jun-20 10:26:24

A massive YANBU. I genuinely don’t know how you stuck that old plan. I use my weekends to catch up on stuff -cleaning, food shopping, organising and re-charge my battery’s. Both families appear to have forgotten how busy life can be especially with small children. They need to make more effort and not push it onto you all the time

MrsExpo Tue 23-Jun-20 10:27:51

Absolutely not U at all. As someone up thread has suggested, make one weekend a month your "visit family" weekend and keep the rest of your time to yourselves. Either do both in one day, or Saturday for one, Sunday for the other. Your lives are your own.

PastMyBestBeforeDate Tue 23-Jun-20 10:29:00

YANBU
Are your dc at school? It would drive mine potty to never just relax at home with their own stuff, see friends, do homework etc. I couldn't cope with never spending a quiet weekend at home either.
Bite the bullet and try out saying No.

mrsBtheparker Tue 23-Jun-20 10:30:52

Such a good reason not to live within easy driving distance of parents! When we lived abroad we came to the UK every school holiday and once the children were here often half term as well. When we actually went on a holiday in Spain one year all hell broke loose!

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