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to go through the csa without telling him?

(12 Posts)
Boofips Tue 23-Jun-20 03:21:02

Ex partner and I separated when dd was a baby. She is now 14 years old.
He moved abroad when we split and has paid just over £100 each month in maintenance. This was by mutual agreement as he was living overseas.

There was no contact for the first 3 years then it was minimal. In the last 4 years he has seen her once or twice a year for 3 nights.
I have in the past and again recently sent him a link to the csa calculator online and asked him to take a look and adjust accordingly taking off a bit as I'm not greedy, but what he pays doesn't even cover her subs as a competitive athlete. He has a very well paid job for a major international company and nd by my estimations should be paying at least triple what he is. He has ignored this each time. He is moving to the UK next month as has a promotion within the company now working for the UK branch.
WIBU to go to the CSA once he is back on uk soil?

For what it's worth, we have both remarried and each have another child in the new relationships.

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Boofips Tue 23-Jun-20 03:23:44

Argh forgot to say..... I'm fed up of speaking to a brick wall hence not telling him first. I don't want to use it as a threat but at the same time feel it is unfair that he isn't contributing more towards dd1. We don't "need" the extra money but that isn't the point is it?

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Flyingagainstreason Tue 23-Jun-20 06:09:07

Yes absolutely do it. Why wouldn’t you.

Waxonwaxoff0 Tue 23-Jun-20 06:13:13

YANBU. If he's not doing any parenting then the least he can do is pay what he should be.

Itsjustabitofbanter Tue 23-Jun-20 06:15:53

Of course you should.

Thehop Tue 23-Jun-20 06:29:48

Absolutely do it.

Boofips Tue 23-Jun-20 06:30:17

I guess I just feel guilty. Not sure why. I know he will most likely get nasty about it. It is a strange feeling to put into words.

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Thehop Tue 23-Jun-20 06:30:37

I’d wait a month or 2 though so he doesn’t engineer his salary into dividend or overseas payments or something. Let him think you won’t so his salary is paid and they have something to go off.

Phillipa12 Tue 23-Jun-20 06:31:57

YANBU. You have mentioned and sent links hes the one ignoring it, hes brought this on himself. Oh and when he complains just remind him he has a responsibility to another human being and it shouldn't be a surprise that you have now had to go via the correct channels, if he had engaged and done the decent thing by paying in the region of the correct amount you clearly would have kept the maintenance a private issue.

boredboredboredboredbored Tue 23-Jun-20 06:33:36

Absolutely! He's shown no guilt over your Dd so give him the same grace back!

Tini17 Tue 23-Jun-20 06:44:28

It’s CMS, not CSA and has been for some years.
Is he likely to ask for extra contact once back in UK?
If you do this without speaking to him first, have you thought about the impact of what will inevitably end up as a worse relationship with him on your child?

Boofips Tue 23-Jun-20 07:55:13

Tini17

It’s CMS, not CSA and has been for some years.
Is he likely to ask for extra contact once back in UK?
If you do this without speaking to him first, have you thought about the impact of what will inevitably end up as a worse relationship with him on your child?

I've never stopped him having contact and never will. He just isn't that interested. I hope for both Dd and her step sibling that he increases contact once he moves closer but knowing him I am doubtful that will happen. Regardless of contact he would still be responsible for higher payment that he currently pays.
I speak amicably with him to arrange contact, birthday gifts etc that is all. Dd is a teenager so texts / emails etc with him (very infrequently i might add)

OP’s posts: |

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