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Co-parenting. Am I being unreasonable

(44 Posts)
MLou1990 Mon 22-Jun-20 20:40:57

As me and my ex live so far away he has to travel to see our son. He’s always stayed in my spare room while visiting. I’ve recently suggested he gets his own accommodation, air bnb for example. For various reasons! Apparently I’m being unfair?

OP’s posts: |
Parmavioletmum Mon 22-Jun-20 20:47:52

I think it really depends. I would never have let my ex stay to start with. However, I can imagine if up until now it hasn't been an issue, he is probably wondering why the change. Ultimately you don't have to have a reason to say no to him staying of course, but I think him saying its unfair would kknd of depend on why and how long him staying with you has been going on and if you've given any inkling it was going to be an issue further down the line.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Mon 22-Jun-20 20:48:11

Who moved away? But no not unfair, you're not a family unit anymore and he should be entertaining you're child independently of you! Are you still default parent on 'his weekends'? You never get a break!

BeKindOrBeQuiet Mon 22-Jun-20 20:52:31

Can your dc not go and stay with your ex?

Looneytune253 Mon 22-Jun-20 20:53:38

To be fair at the moment there aren't many options for staying over, in fact I'm sure it's still 'not allowed' if you want to help facilitate contact you'll have to let him stay over

MLou1990 Mon 22-Jun-20 21:01:01

I moved away, I moved from London to NI so he has to get a flight over. There have been a few factors as to why he stayed, we always remained friends. However recently when he stays I feel like my weekend is consumed by his stay. I feel like I have no weekends off. When he’s here I still do the parenting. My son doesn’t know his dad as a “dad” if that makes sense. I can see why staying in my house makes sense as it’s easier but it’s only easier for the dad... it’s mentally draining for me! Also he can very much afford an air bnb

OP’s posts: |
FromMarch2020 Mon 22-Jun-20 21:10:17

Since you were the ones that move and he has to get a flight then would it hurt if he stays in spare room? It seems a shame not to allow him unless abusive etc...

beautifulxdisasters Mon 22-Jun-20 21:11:46

Why did you move then?

FromMarch2020 Mon 22-Jun-20 21:13:08

NI - are AirBnB's open there? I'm not sure of rules etc when people fly in from London?

BeKindOrBeQuiet Mon 22-Jun-20 21:13:15

The issue I think you have is probably when he comes to stay, even if he gets a bnb, there's no 'base' he can go to. What if it's raining? Really cold? Would you still be happy for him to have time with your dc alone in your house without you being there?
There's no need for him to sleep at your place though, for sleeping I think it's fair he sleep elsewhere.

Can I ask why you moved so far away from him? It must have made things more difficult for you both

Still1nLove Mon 22-Jun-20 21:15:01

I found that one of the upsides to separations is the free time without the dc. Surely he should want to spend time with his son, without you around?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable in asking that he stays elsewhere.

Socialdistancegintonic Mon 22-Jun-20 21:16:38

I would try to accommodate if he is respectful, however I’d leave the house and see friends or do a project or class somewhere, or just long walks in the country.

Why don’t you compromise, if it’s many weekends, to do alternate weekends in your house, the others in a B&B?

LavenderLilacTree Mon 22-Jun-20 21:16:58

Would you pay for the accommodation OP? You were the one who moved away.

lyralalala Mon 22-Jun-20 21:17:43

Was him staying with you part of the agreement for him not contesting you moving your son so far away?

MLou1990 Mon 22-Jun-20 21:20:34

I’m originally from NI so I moved home to be close to family. Our relationship wasn’t great in London, he’s not very “hands on” I was very lonely and bringing up a child in London is hard enough.
Air bnbs will be open from July but this issue is more of a long term thing. I moved back to NI 18months ago. It’s just recently been brought up because 1) I’m fed up of the situation 2) me and the dad had a big fall out so for the sake of our relationship as co-parents I don’t think we should spend a lot of time together like a whole weekend and lastly what happens when I finally get a partner, how awkward with that be. I’m sure if he gets a gf she wouldn’t want him to stay at my house!

I understand right now my house might be the “base” because of Covid but it’s more a long term issue I’m trying to solve

OP’s posts: |
AIMD Mon 22-Jun-20 21:29:03

I’d he can easily afford it then I don’t see why he shouldn’t get a hotel or air B and B. I mean I’d still let him come to the house and spend time at the house because it’ll probably be nice for his son to spend time with him in a home environment, but I wouldn’t let him stay over or continue parenting.

When you say you still parent what would he do if you just went out or went up to your room to ‘some some work’ etc? I’d be tempted to plan something when he next comes so he has no choice but to parent....unless you think he wouldn’t be safe?

netstaller Mon 22-Jun-20 21:29:33

As it was you who moved to another country OP you should offer to pay at least half for his local accommodation to see his son, he is doing all the travelling.

BeKindOrBeQuiet Mon 22-Jun-20 21:29:45

How would you like your ex to see your dc in the future? Not have your dc overnight? Pick up/drop off your dc on the day?

I think it's fantastic he's flying over, some dads don't bother and they're in the same town

Chloemol Mon 22-Jun-20 21:36:29

As you moved away it’s irrelvant if he can afford other accommodation. And until you get a new partner it’s not a problem.

If you insist he stays elsewhere and it’s a B and B will he be allowed to take your child there overnight ? It’s years since I stayed in one, but we were kicked out during the day, do you want that for your child?

Why don’t you leave for the weekend? Use it as an opportunity to take a break

You moved, you have to put up with the inconvenience

MLou1990 Mon 22-Jun-20 21:38:13

Ideally he would come for the weekend drop him off in the night and pick him up the next morning. I wouldn’t say my ex can’t come into my house etc, we are still very much on good terms (which is actually surprising considering our history) I’d like to stay on good terms which is why something needs to be done before it becomes resentful in any way. My ex should have his quality time with his son and not have me involved and if he’s staying with me that would be confusing for our son too! We’re not a family unit anymore

OP’s posts: |
Di11y Mon 22-Jun-20 21:39:36

i think it's fine however I think you should split the cost. he's already paying for a flight.

Lockdownginger Mon 22-Jun-20 21:55:03

I personally would probably ask him to get an air B and B if it’s not working out both being there, but I think I would feel bad about the costs on top of flights etc. Just another idea but what if you went to stay with your family while his dad visits, if they are local? If you trust him in your house that is. I get it if you don’t want to leave your own house as it’s an inconvenience and it is your house after all, so you don’t have to by any means. But might stop any bad feelings if he resents paying for an air B and B on top of flights and you don’t want to be there with him. Also it would be some consistency for your DS who can then get to stay put in his own house? I agree if you get another partner you wouldn’t want so do it but could cross that bridge when you get to it x

lyralalala Mon 22-Jun-20 21:57:49

MLou1990

Ideally he would come for the weekend drop him off in the night and pick him up the next morning. I wouldn’t say my ex can’t come into my house etc, we are still very much on good terms (which is actually surprising considering our history) I’d like to stay on good terms which is why something needs to be done before it becomes resentful in any way. My ex should have his quality time with his son and not have me involved and if he’s staying with me that would be confusing for our son too! We’re not a family unit anymore

If you expect him to book a hotel then you should at least be prepared for him keeping your child overnight, or for the weekend.

I still think if you agreed for him to stay as part of the agreement for you to move then it's pretty shit to change it

That happened to a friend of mine (his ex had said she'd stay with her Mum one weekend a month to facilitate him staying with their kids) and now he can only visit his children half as often because of the cost. It's very unfair given he could have insisted she stay where they were living to allow him his usual contact.

MLou1990 Mon 22-Jun-20 22:11:18

My son was born in NI because my ex originally didn’t want anything to do with us and it was a very very hostile situation. Then he changed his mind and I gave him a ‘second chance’ it didn’t work out and there have been a few instances that prove he should not have DS overnight which is why I wouldn’t (just yet) allow a full weekend away.

He doesn’t really pay for flights as he uses points to travel over so the only real expense is car hire and introducing this air bnb potentially. I know it shouldn’t matter but he earns triple if not quadruple what I do so an air bnb for a night or two is nothing to him. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If our history wasn’t so bad I’d maybe consider paying half as a goodwill but I think I’ve been to this point very forgiving and flexible so for that reason I wouldn’t

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Mon 22-Jun-20 22:16:00

If you expect him to book a hotel then you should at least be prepared for him keeping your child overnight, or for the weekend.

Agree. How old is your child? Why doesn't he go to London to stay with his dad?

Also, are you saying your child doesn’t know who his dad is? He thinks he’s spending time with a friend of yours? That can’t carry on forever.

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