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AIBU?

to think that dating when you have a toddler is impossible?

16 replies

bboxoff · 22/06/2020 13:49

I'm 30, I have a 20 month old, been single since just after he was born. I've tried OLD. Was surprised with how many really quite nice (seemingly) blokes there are on there. Problem is, if I tick the 'has kids' box I get very few matches or messages, if I leave it blank, I get a few people message but ghost when I say I have a child, and when I do chat to someone who is cool about me having a child, they tend to flake or ghost when I tell them my son's age and that I'm a lone parent. One couldn't deal with the fact that I wouldn't have every other weekend free.

I'm finding it really, really disheartening. I completely understand that men are allowed to have preferences and I appreciate that dating a woman for kids is not for everyone.

I'm a bit worried I won't meet anyone for years and the chance of having another child and giving my son a sibling will be totally lost. This scares me a bit.

Is it totally hopeless dating when you have a toddler?

OP posts:

Report

bboxoff · 22/06/2020 13:50

With kids, not for kids.

OP posts:

bboxoff · 22/06/2020 14:08

Bump

OP posts:

PlightOfTheConchords · 22/06/2020 14:14

You know I really panicked about this. Was really nervous about telling people, how to broach it, would they ghost me, etc and it’s really not been the problem I thought it would be.

I usually date guys younger than me (late 20s) and everyone has been cool with it. I actually asked one of my dates once how he felt and he said that it’s more common than you think for single women in their 30s to have a child so it just normal. No idea if that’s true!

I wonder if it’s the type of guys you are talking to or when you tell them?

AryaStarkWolf · 22/06/2020 14:19

It definitely does turn some men off (and women if the situation is reversed) and look that's ok, better they're up front about it than to string you along. Seeing someone with kids is a big thing, you have to accept the child/children as a package deal and it's perfectly understandable for people to not want that. there will be someone out there who will be fine with it though, you might find dating someone who has children themselves might be more understanding/open to it

Waveysnail · 22/06/2020 14:19

Would depend on type of site too. Forend had much more success with ones they have paid for as people who are genuinely interested

PlightOfTheConchords · 22/06/2020 14:19

Although I will just add that hypocritically, I wouldn’t date a man with children.

Pambalambalam · 22/06/2020 14:20

I met my now DP 2 and a half years ago when my dd was 18 months. I didn’t find it very difficult to meet nice men (and I’m not stunningly attractive or anything, bit overweight) I think I went on about 5 dates before I met him? I think they were all fairly keen regardless of my having a child but I didn’t feel a spark with anyone until DP. So I think you just need to be patient and discerning and it will probably happen.

Shinebright72 · 22/06/2020 14:24

I think it’s hard what ever age your child is tbh it’s the fact the you have lack of availability. Of course some people don’t want to date someone with kids I’d much rather someone was upfront about this and then you know it’s a no go from the start.

It can be annoying and I can relate to this when the right person comes along they will accept you and your child as a package.

JRUIN · 22/06/2020 15:43

I'm a bit worried I won't meet anyone for years and the chance of having another child and giving my son a sibling will be totally lost. This scares me a bit.

I personally wouldn't want to date someone with a child either, especially if I read the above. Is it a partner or a sperm donor you want?

bboxoff · 22/06/2020 17:48

@JRUIN don't be daft. Just because a woman wants to have another child in the future doesn't mean that every man in her path is a potential sperm donor.

OP posts:

Pambalambalam · 23/06/2020 07:03

Yeah @JRUIN that is harsh and unkind, and also ridiculous.

JRUIN · 24/06/2020 09:59

From her post OP's main focus for wanting a man seems to be to give her child a sibling. Maybe she should put that on her dating profile if you think that's reasonable.

Anditsgin111 · 24/06/2020 10:19

I was single with a toddler, just used to say I have a toddler so if you want to do things it'll have to be with a toddler coming along. Was never a problem after having a first date, the other dates were more like days out to parks or kids friendly stuff.

Nonononon · 24/06/2020 10:25

I became single when dd was 10 months old. I was a lot like you in that i really wanted a real relationship and to have a proper family. I never wanted to be single and on my own with a kid. I never had much problem getting a date, I put on my profile that i had kids (kid) and it never seemed to put them off.. Well, until I figured out they were only after sex and would vanish after one or two dates (if it even went that far) when they realised they weren't getting any.. it was a confusing time as all the ones I agreed to go out with had "looking for long term relationship" on their profiles.. I guess they just saw me as a shag.
I dated two guys but it never lasted longer than a few months as I just didn't have the time for them.. and I live in the middle of nowhere so it was a lot to ask, "oh yes come and drive to my house at 8pm at night and stay for a few hours/sneek out the door early AM, also i have one night "off" every month so we can do something then!!" I can see now how that wouldn't have been appealing to them.
Dd is 5.5 now and I'm pretty settled with the idea I'll be single until she's grown.. I prefer it, there's no anxiety of trying to make it work, worrying that I can't give them enough of my time, will dd like them, will they be good for dd anyway? Now I've had so much time behind me being single it's really not that bad and it's better for us all round. Yes I get loanly at times but over all it's better for us both, also any future partner, who I wouldn't be able to give my time or whole self to anyway.
I'm not saying you should do this op. I really do remember the frustration and loanlyness, yearning for the "family" I always wanted. But I am a family! (Albeit very small..) and you are too.
I think with OLD (and let's face it, unless you happen to meet someone on the park or playground then it's really hard to meet people in rl when you're a single parent, OLD is the way to go, it seems) there's such a big pool for them to choose from and they're busy casting nets for the ones who tick all the 'boxs' and us single mothers don't tick those for many, when's there's already plenty of non attached women for them to choose from.
It's sad, I know.

PumpkinP · 24/06/2020 10:38

I was single with a toddler, just used to say I have a toddler so if you want to do things it'll have to be with a toddler coming along. Was never a problem after having a first date, the other dates were more like days out to parks or kids friendly stuff

You brought your kid on dates?!

Try having 4 kids, op. I have decided I will be single for the rest of my life now. Definitely won't be bringing them on dates

AryaStarkWolf · 24/06/2020 11:03

From her post OP's main focus for wanting a man seems to be to give her child a sibling. Maybe she should put that on her dating profile if you think that's reasonable.

It doesn't come across that way at all for fucks sake

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