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To not want MIL on every family holiday(38 Posts)
My Mil and FIL live abroad and when my DS was born last year, their visa application was denied, although I must admit I never wanted them to come over and stay a month with us in the first place (tiny flat)! She is overbearing, has no sense of boundaries despite setting them very clearly and is blunt af.
So when my DS was 2 months old, I went to visit them for 3 weeks to their country so they could meet DS. It was a nightmare and my husband wasn't with me. Then my husband arranged a holiday for us, where it meant me, my DS, mil and FiL travelled to Spain together to meet DH and we spent another week together. At that point I felt like killing my husband.
When we returned, me, my DH and DS went again on holiday with them 2 months later which strained our relationship even more. And after returning, again 2 months later we went on a another holiday with them.
I said to my husband no more, enough. If we go again he must come with me and I won't stay for weeks, I will stay for a week max at their house. This has caused so many arguments between us as his argument is, my parents must spend time with our son and my parents who live in the same country btw gets to see DS more than them. They live abroad, my parents live in the same country as us. Plus my parents are the ones who go above and beyond with everything to help me out looking after DS or when I moved recently to a bigger place. They always help out, whereas the in laws are only interested in getting free holidays. I'm not even sure they care that much about DS as it's their mission to travel every country and they will grab any free opportunity (DH pays for all of this).
For this year, I said it's lockdown I'm not going anywhere even if I do, it won't be with his parents. We nearly divorced, my dad stepped in and my DH came to his senses and now my DH is saying I will do anything you want me to and respect your wishes if you don't want to.
So the other day, I heard him on the phone with the in-laws showing DS and I eavesdropped on their conversation where my mil is going on about her poor friend being abandoned by her sons and they never take her on holiday and then she goes off to say I think you should focus on your wife and son and take them on holiday. My DH then goes, well ofcourse you guys can come with us blah blah blah and then I flipped. She is manipulating him from 3000 miles away! I then said, well maybe her friends DIL's want to spend quality time with their husbands and DC and don't feel comfortable spending their holidays with their MIL. After all, we must ask your friend how much time did she ever want to spend with her own MiL let alone on holiday? I said holidays are private affairs where people want to relax and let their hair down and want to spend quality time with their own families.
AIBU? How can I put a stop to this? All my mil cares about is when her next free holiday is coming from where she can show off to friends on FB and have something to talk about as she lacks social skills and offers nothing to talk about. Blunt af. I told DH he can send them on holiday on their own with FIl once a year and my BIL could also send them on holiday once a year with Fil if they are so desperate to see new places but I won't go. And if DH wants to go, he is more than welcome to join them without me.
Please help me, I look forward to your recommendations. Sorry for the long post
You have some amount of patience! I would tell DH that he can go alone. They are this parents, not yours. I would also go mad over the money. Why are they getting it for free and you guys are paying? Insane. Utterly insane.
If they want to spend time with you and DS tell them to come here to the uk and to pay for it themselves. My parents live abroad. It's what they do. I go home once or twice a year for 4 or 5 days. Sometimes I go without DH. I would certainly NEVER say he has to go without me, and I am as always aware that he doesnt want them invading our holidays or lives for weeks and weeks. We balance it.
You are certainly not unreasonable. You need time alone as a family, away from the daily grind. That does not include your in laws. If you can afford for dh to take them away as well as a holiday for yourselves, then great, let him get on with it. If you don't stand up for what you want now, you will have years of her wishes coming before yours.
You mentioned tiny flat. Instead of spending ££££s on taking her on holiday maybe invest in a bigger home? (not for her to visit more often though!)
Op take @IwishIhadaMargarita advice. I did with my oH and after a week he made excuses to come home early... don’t get me wrong I want my children to see their family but not at the expense of my own mental health.
I would be spelling out in £££ how much of your family money goes elsewhere!!
Cfers indeed imo.
You are entitled to have a say in where his funds are going!!
I have The Rage for you op!
Thank you so much for your views. Last year in Spain, I was telling her how small our flat was and she knows how small it is as she came over with her husband the previous year and spent most of her time outdoors as she found it too small to spend time in it, which later on holiday paid by us she had the nerve to tell me how to baby proof the tiny living room/kitchen. I had this argument with husband before on the amount of money we spend entertaining them on holiday which could have gone towards a bigger place. We have finally moved now thank god!
I really don't care if he sends them on holiday or joins them but as long as they don't make plans to include me and DS. I went on holiday with my mum last year and she paid for herself even though she helps out with everything and I thinnk she actually does deserve something nice as a thank you. I never forced my DH to come with us and he won't anyway because he feels exactly the same as I do with his parents.
You have the patience of a saint. I would also refuse.
He books the holiday and he can go alone. No one is forcing you on the plane. If he says he has booked for you all to go just say "that's nice. Me and DS will miss you. Have fun and don't get sunburnt".
If DH has been paying for 3 foreign holidays a year for 4 adults, perhaps that money could be used for a larger flat? Then they can visit you - I am sure doing that 3/4 times a year is not exciting for them but you get a larger home rather than finding IL holidays.
Make him go alone in future. He can't force you to go.
Hmm. My husband is not from where we live. I have been known to point out firmly that he had ample opportunity to marry someone there and make his life with all that entails there but he didn’t. And that was all his decision.
He married me, we are going to live our life here and his decisions are expected to recognise that.
Where do they live and why is he always paying for them?
Surely they could chip in for at least one of the trips (and yes, I'd also send him alone)
I'm sorry to ask as I know this isn't the point of the thread, but surely paying for all those holidays must cost a bit? Wouldn't you prefer a larger flat?
The situations are so different, I don't think it's fair to compare how much PIL see DS vs. your parents.
I was brought up overseas and saw my grandparents once per year. This was pre internet and phone calls were expensive so only once a month. It did not affect my relationship with them. You need to keep putting you foot down with DH and he needs to manage his parents.
Sorry I missed the bit where you said you'd now moved
I agree in general terms with PP - you should get time alone and I’d not be happy forking out for all this however it is also his son too so why in your last post does he have to exclude both you and DS from plans ? Surely he can take his own son away ?
Our parents live back in our home country and due to age and health are not able to travel to the UK anymore.
But, I never ever did and never will spend a holiday with either of them. I am ok going for a week max but that’s it.
DH took our daughter once on his own but otherwise we see them once a year for a quick visit, fair enough, Germany is easy to go to but I don’t want my holiday time spend with them.
Make it clear that he can go with your child as long as you still are comfortable enough money wise for a family holiday.
Or, is the location good for a holiday and you add a couple of days and stay in a Hotel?
Your grandparent time doesn't have to be 'even' either. Just watch them trying to guilt your DH into paying for more holidays so that she can spend time with your DC to 'make it fair'. Your DM lives in the same country as you, of course she's going to see more of your DC!
Completely ridiculous OP.
Don't entertain it.
He visits his parents on his own.
You have tolerated too much already.
No wonder you were thinking of divorce, you are being completely bullied and disregarded.
Why does your DH pay for them to travel?
I never forced my DH to come with us and he won't anyway because he feels exactly the same as I do with his parents.
Wait, wtf?! So remind him of this, or tell him for every holiday he wants you to go on with his parents, he has to go on one with yours! I would be really angry at this.
They live in Turkey. They have a very comfortable life there as they live in a villa with a pool with beautiful views and they still manage to get bored when their everyday life is actually a holiday! They are retired from very good professions and have a really good income, so actually they can afford many things if they want to pay it out of their own pockets!
My DH feels guilty for leaving them there but that's not my problem. He shouldn't have left?? Plus he never wants to go there anyway because he hates the city life in Istanbul, seeing relatives etc despite the in-laws living in a really nice area with a nice lifestyle.
What bugs me is, during lockdown I was still in that tiny flat with no outdoor space and a high needs non walking baby and the in-laws were literally bathing by the pool during their lockdown everyday and had their nice meals in their garden and terrace nearly every night and now she has made her other son (my bil) pay for her holiday next month despite being in the vulnerable group as she has some serious health issues. Wtf is wrong with her? My DH's and BIL's businesses are also struggling due to Covid and all she cares about is where to go next. I asked my husband if he and his brother are step sons lol because I swear to god she is like one of those evil step mums. Stupid bitch lol
I'd revisit the divorce idea tbh. It doesn't get any better with these guys.
Mythica, the idea is still there. I've rehearsed my life of how it would be after a divorce (in my head) and trust me it's better than this for both me and my son. My husband knows this, that's why he is treading very carefully right now but with his phone calls and giving in to her manipulation, even if there isn't an action right now just pisses me off. He said they can of-course come out of respect as they are getting old. Right now, the ball is in my court and I don't have to see them as they are away and I won't be going anywhere anyway but when lockdown is lifted, I am going to book a holiday for 3 of us and bombard it on Instagram
It’s a different culture. Despite his parents being better off in Turkey without him your DH will always feel responsible for them. My DH / Bil come from a similar culture and they view their DP as their responsibility even when, realistically, they gain more than give from that relationship.
I don’t actually think paying for their holidays / taking joint family holidays is bad. What is bad is that your DH doesn’t also do holidays with just you and your baby. Suggest this to him and see what he says.
As for your comments regarding his DP vs yours as grandparents - you are being very unreasonable. You can’t judge the worth of a grandparent relationship by how much they help you as the parent. It’s about how happy they make your child feel. Often it is the grandparent(s) abroad who will add more value to a child’s outlook and give stronger memories - they can teach their language / culture and provide connections in a fun less routine way. In the future your kids may even want to spend more time with the Turkish side of their family and will resent you for not fostering better relationships.
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