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I know IABU, but how to fix?

(10 Posts)
SoddingWeddings Mon 22-Jun-20 08:03:46

DH went away this morning for a month for work. We had a big argument last night and it carried on this morning, so I'm still a bit upset.

We rarely have sex anymore. Married 3yrs, together 6. I'm on sertraline (antidepressant) which has killed my sex drive outright. I forgot to take them for a fortnight last year and it came back with a vengeance, but so did the random sobbing etc I get with depression.

He's not happy because he's feeling like I'm pushing him away, which I basically am, but only for sex. He gets lots of attention, kisses, cuddles etc, just nothing beyond that as I'm not interested.

I've put on weight in lockdown and feel dreadful about myself. He doesn't care about that at all. I am 20st though and miserable, but struggling to sort my shit out.

I'm rambling a bit. I love him, he doesn't pressure for sex (except last night when he stropped for the first time), it just have no idea how to get my mojo back.

No kids, infertility has fucked that up. Oh, he also thinks that's part of it as he's infertile so says maybe I don't see the point in sex.

IABU a bit, because I normally do love sex but everything is fucked up right now and I don't know what to do about it. Ideas?

NC to an old handle.

OP’s posts: |
SoddingWeddings Mon 22-Jun-20 09:09:35

Bumping hopefully

OP’s posts: |
Reluctantbettlynch Mon 22-Jun-20 09:18:10

It is very difficult when one partner wants sex and the other doesn't. In fairness to him, you are the only one that can do anything about it. Have you spoken to the doctor about this? Can you try different medication.
If you want to repair this, and you want to feel like having sex, can you find ways to put you 'in the mood'?

laurelhedge Mon 22-Jun-20 09:46:21

In the past when my DH wanted sex, I was quite happy to go along with him, even though I wasn't in the mood. The closeness, intimacy and care for him and his needs, made it perfectly acceptable to me. I loved the closeness, even if I wasn't feeling the sexual excitement. To me it felt like a closer cuddle. I enjoyed doing this for the man I loved. If I really wasn't wanting sex or closeness, because of tiredness etc, then we were both fine with a cuddle and sleep.

Of course if you physically don't want sex and it's just unacceptable to you, then this isn't an option.

I agree try alternative medication, but antidepressants are known for causing weight gain.

Thingsdogetbetter Mon 22-Jun-20 10:07:08

That AD killed my sex drive too. But not all of them do. Go back to gp and ask for a change. Ask for female doctor and do not minimise the affect this is having on your life. Don't let them fob you off! Weep, wail, demand. Make them listen. It took me saying it was ruining my marraige and thus making my depression worse to get them to listen!

bridgetreilly Mon 22-Jun-20 10:25:36

Agree with pp, talk to your GP and see if you can switch to a different anti-depressant.

JustC Mon 22-Jun-20 10:29:28

It took me about 6 months after starting ad to get a bit of my lust back. But, in the meanwhile, he would get the odd hand/blow job. Not pressured, to me it was smth like making a cup of tea for your loved one if that makes sense. I knew I couldn't get aroused, but felt ok with doing smth nice just for his pleasure. Would that be smth you would be up to until you start getting your libido back? But I do stress, only if it's smth you feel like offering out of love, not pressure/obligation.

SoddingWeddings Mon 22-Jun-20 11:23:58

I've dropped from 100mg/day to 50mg every other day of the advice of my GP, but it's made no difference to my libido.

I agree with the cup of tea analogy, but I'm just so not up for it, I'd be faking the entire time which seems shit.

I asked before about alternative meds, and nothing much was forthcoming.

I think I'll wean off these and see how I get on. If I'm struggling, I'll still have a box I can start on again.

I fucking hate my brain sometimes.

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JustC Mon 22-Jun-20 11:46:44

I'm still on the 7 years later, have tried to completely wean, but it didn't work out. I feel for you, it's a bit crap. Like may brain wanted me to feel horny and get some relief, but my body just didn't agree. I didn't feel like I was faking anything as we had occasions in the past, before my problems, when he would just satisfy me or the other way around. I realky don't know what more do advise, apart from repeating you shouldn't let him pressure you. But also I personally don't know if I could bare years of no satisfaction either, as selfish as I might sound. Either way you both need to talk calmly and express your expectations.

JustC Mon 22-Jun-20 11:48:06

Excuse typos, typing from phone and my fingers are apparently too big for this 'keyboard'.

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