To a think my friends are insensitive?

[iknowashortcut]

So my friends and I have a group chat on WhatsApp where we mainly speak nonsense or arrange get togethers (pre Covid obviously).
Friend in group chats 4 year old daughter was diagnosed with cancer last week and we're all obviously gutted for them.
After a few days of my friend updating us on her, another friend starts going on about a weekend away we have booked for September and if we think it will still go ahead. Now, I get she was meaning will it go ahead due to Covid etc but it just felt really shitty to be discussing it when other friend is going through hell right now.
The other girls were all chatting like 'oh I hope we get to go', and I'll needing a break from my kids' etc. I was horrified! I text friend to say I'm so sorry they are chatting about that when I'm sure it's the last thing on your mind. She text back saying she's really angry and upset and I don't blame her.
We've all been friends since primary school and nobody in the group is malicious or nasty just a bit thoughtless perhaps?
AIBU to say something to the others and what should I say?

[Aquamarine1029]

I would definitely say something to them and I would be very direct about it. They were shockingly thoughtless and self-absorbed. They sound like a bunch of daft teens to be honest.

[Wewearpinkonwednesdays]

God that is really thoughtless. I can't believe a group of adults would think that was appropriate. Your poor friend. I'm sure she appreciated your support.

[Wewearpinkonwednesdays]

Yes I would say something. To let them know how thoughtless they were and to make sure they don't do it again.

[WorraLiberty]

It's difficult really because if they started a new group and excluded your friend, she'd probably be really upset if she found out.

She's been updating the group for a few days, so at some point they are actually going to have to also talk about 'normal' things.

I can understand why your friend is upset though.

[iwilltaketwoplease]

Hmm first thoughts yes it's insensitive however your other friend is understandably going through something heartbreaking right now so she's going to feel upset and angry about it however some people really can't handle sensitive topics appropriately, it's awkward. It shouldn't be but it is. Also as another poster said, you are going to need to talk about other things too at some point.

[Notcontent]

I think in a situation like that it’s ok to move on to new topics, but it’s all about how you do it, and showing tact and sensitivity. Which obviously wasn’t the case here.

[bumblenbean]

Yeah that’s pretty crass.

Not at all in the same league of course but in a similar WhatsApp ground one friend mentioned her latest IVF (round 6) had failed and how devastated she was. After a cursory commiseration 2 others started talking about the nightmare they were having with their young kids tantrums etc.

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

Really insensitive, she must feel very hurt. If they felt they had to discuss the trip now they have other means of communication besides the group WhatsApp!

[Lynda07]

Aquamarine1029 Sun 21-Jun-20 23:44:29
I would definitely say something to them and I would be very direct about it. They were shockingly thoughtless and self-absorbed. They sound like a bunch of daft teens to be honest.
........
I quite agree. They were appalling.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

I dont think they have done much wrong really.

They cant start another group and exclude your friend, that would be awful.

You are all being supportive and listening to your friend, and, I assume, will be a support for her and her family.

They arent wrong for discussing 'normal' stuff while your friends daughter is ill.

[MadameMeursault]

Definitely say something to them. Your poor friend.

[nancybotwinbloom]

I think those discussions needed to be in a separate group chat obv not with your friend in.

[nancybotwinbloom]

I don't think her friend is going to be arsed if they have a different group talking about something like a trip away.

She's not going to give one shit about groups and going away. Her child is seriously ill.

[Poptart4]

I dont think they did anything wrong.

As bad as it sounds, they gave her their full attention for 4 days and will no doubt continue to support her through out her daughter's illness. But they were going to talk about something else at some point. That doesn't mean they dont care and wont be there for her.

When my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer people always asked how he was etc but they still had 'normal' conversations too. As brutal as it sounds the world doesn't stop because someone has cancer.

If they had made a separate group chat without her she would have been upset that they excluded her.

I hope your friends daughter will be ok xx

[shakeituntilyoumakeit]

Tell them, they might not realise they are being insensitive they might think that by talking normally they are doing the right thing. Also ask her what she thinks about maybe muting the group or whether people should go on a different group for a little while.

People are selfish arseholes

[Angelonia]

I don't know. If I was going through something terrible I would need empathy and understanding, of course, but I think I would also need some normality. I definitely wouldn't want to be excluded from the chat and I also wouldn't want the chat to exist solely to talk about my DD. So I think I'd welcome this. Obviously your friend doesn't feel that way, so I guess the others in the group have misjudged, but I can see where they were coming from.

[LastTrainEast]

How long were they supposed to talk about her situation only? Can you give a rough figure? Weeks, months, years?

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

There need to be two groups, one for your friend to get the support she needs, and another to talk about ordinary stuff like group holidays, otherwise there is always going to be a sudden switch from hearing updates on her DD's treatment to the latest LOLCat or similar.

Childhood cancer is an absolute bitch. I am so sorry for her child and for her, her DH, and family.

[Embracelife]

Suggest your friend starts,a "my kid journey " whats app group where she posts updates and those that are on it are going to be super sensitive

Reality is other people are not going to think sensitively and will carry on with their lives....she needs a,separate WhatsApp group "my kids journey " and those that are on it will be happy to talk about the child etc .and support.

A general WhatsApp group won't be the best place for her.

[Chouxalacreme]

Yes do set up a group , after speaking with her obviously, where it’s a safe place she can talk and receive support and update if she wishes with the situation as things unfold she may need support in many different ways for a long time to come . I think this could perhaps be a sensitive supportive thing to do or maybe she would prefer more private 1:1 but it’s hard to keep everyone up to date with things

[Embracelife]

Or she can set up private Facebook group for supportive people.

[nancybotwinbloom]

The two groups is a good idea.

[Yeahnahmum]

I see nothing wrong. But i can also see why she feels upset about it. She however cant expect you guys not to talk about fun stuff anymore. She should leave the group for the time to come. And keep in contact with you via a group email or text or fb

[TerrorWig]

Honestly I think you’re all caught between a rock and hard place here.

It’s a tragedy that her daughter is so ill, but what would be worse - the group chat becomes talk of cancer only and another group chat is set up for ‘normal’ things? Or more regular topics are occasionally discussed? Because you can’t really have the mum of a seriously ill child in the ‘normal’ group without feeling you have to curb the conversation. So, she has to be excluded. Which isn’t great at all.

[BackforGood]

What Worra, Difficult Poptart and others said.

I've not been unlucky enough to have a child diagnosed with a cancer, but - like most people have been through the ups and downs of life, and actually, at my lowest times, I really craved a bit of 'normality', and usually chat. When I had my cancer or when my Mum was terminally ill, there's only so many times a day you can respond to 'how are things today?' and many people do want to hear the usual nonsense their friends bring to the table.
Of course, we are all different, but I don't think your other friend has done anything wrong. You friend who is the Mum of the little one who is ill, can turn off notifications herself, when she isn't ready to be in light hearted chat, but she couldn't turn them on when she wants that chatter, if you start another group that excludes her.