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Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

(296 Posts)
Flipfloptanlines Sun 21-Jun-20 20:41:10

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

OP’s posts: |
SadSisters Sun 21-Jun-20 20:43:27

YANBU, that was really shitty and judgmental. Your family set up is your own business, and it sounds like you have done well to find happiness and security after a terrible tragedy. He’s an arsehole for poking fun at that.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 21-Jun-20 20:43:34

What a complete and utter prick, and I hope you tell him so. Find a new friend.

Booksandwine80 Sun 21-Jun-20 20:44:38

That was very mean of him given he knows the circumstances (even if not it’s still a low blow). Has he got form for being so rude?flowers

AnimalCrossing Sun 21-Jun-20 20:46:35

Yeah that’s not funny’, it’s unkind and hurtful x

Madre1972 Sun 21-Jun-20 20:46:40

That was a dreadful comment to make. A true friend would perhaps stop and consider that you might find today painful. He’s an arse

InfiniteSheldon Sun 21-Jun-20 20:47:18

It was a joke, if he's a good friend I'd tell him it was too close to the bone and you didn't like it. I'd have laughed and said fucking harsh dude ease up and my bestie would have apologised.

RicStar Sun 21-Jun-20 20:48:02

I totally get that you were upset and why, if he is a good friend I would tell him that comment upset you.

I think it was an ill or not at all thought out jokey comment - not intended to be taken in a negative way against you. (As you very well know, having children by multiple men does not make you cheap- whatever that means).

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty Sun 21-Jun-20 20:48:33

Yeah really uncool and nasty, especially considering he knows one of those "baby daddies" has passed away. Yanbu.

Floralnomad Sun 21-Jun-20 20:48:36

He would no longer be a friend , that’s a horrible thing to say considering your circumstances .

Smallsteps88 Sun 21-Jun-20 20:48:49

What an absolute dickhead thing to say! YANBU at all OP.

iamtheoneandonlyyy Sun 21-Jun-20 20:49:09

Yes it was a joke but due to the bereavement involved it wasn't on. In my opinion

ConstanceSalinger Sun 21-Jun-20 20:49:18

He's not a friend, he's a shit. The only thing I'd do is make it explicitly clear why you're dropping him.

But why would you text a friend to say happy father's day? That's a bit weird.

VerbenaGirl Sun 21-Jun-20 20:49:37

He was massively insensitive. I suspect that maybe he didn’t quite realise what he was saying, and may be kicking himself now - unless he has form for this sort of thing. Most importantly, you are not in any way cheap.

SerenityNowwwww Sun 21-Jun-20 20:50:45

Cheap shot!

Etinox Sun 21-Jun-20 20:50:55

Really horrible. Is he usually an arse or did he just make a really unfunny insensitive joke?

Brefugee Sun 21-Jun-20 20:51:21

Tell him that he hurt you badly since he must know that one of your "baby daddies" is dead.
And then just drop him - no dramatics, no message to say so, just withdraw.
flowers

Scarydinosaurs Sun 21-Jun-20 20:51:44

What a cunt.

I’d reply- not so busy what with one being dead.

I’m sorry he thought that was an okay thing to send.

Flipfloptanlines Sun 21-Jun-20 20:51:56

Thank you.

He's not close enough to be called my best friend, but he's close enough to know today is always a bit painful.

My actual best friend and I are always ripping each other to shreds with our jokes, but she would know full well that's not a funny joke, and I don't think it'd even cross her mind?!

It's one of those comments that has stayed with me all day, and has got me wondering if that's what people think of me.

OP’s posts: |
burnoutbabe Sun 21-Jun-20 20:51:57

It's tactless if he knows one of the fathers had died.
If he doesn't know that it's a fair comment if if thinks you have 3 lots of cards and presents to organise.

MrsRenard Sun 21-Jun-20 20:53:20

Of course you are not’cheap’. You are a survivor. You have good reason to be proud of yourself.
He has shown himself to be a bit of a twat. If that is a total surprise to you - I.e. you previously believed him to be a generally good friend - then perhaps it’s worth holding up a mirror for him ( tell him that was a twatty thing to say and why). Otherwise just accept - painful that it is - that he is too small and stunted a person to be your friend. Don’t internalise it.

FrugiFan Sun 21-Jun-20 20:53:31

IF your children had 3 dads who were still around, it would be a bit of a misjudged joke, which I would forgive. Given that you were widowed it is very insensitive and inappropriate.

PersonaNonGarter Sun 21-Jun-20 20:54:39

Aw. He got that really wrong.

Maybe don’t reply but also consider cutting him some slack. It wasn’t an OK comment but he got the tone wrong and won’t have meant anything nasty by it.

indecisivewoman81 Sun 21-Jun-20 20:55:12

That was a shitty and horribly Insensitive thing for him to say.

Flipfloptanlines Sun 21-Jun-20 20:55:15

@ConstanceSalinger
Only because him and his wife had to have IVF to have all their children (2 sets of twins), so it is always a big deal for them after alot of heart ache.

He isn't usually insensitive, occasionally a bit close to the bone but this was something else.

@Scarydinosaurs
That's actually a great reply. I'm going to message him now and say 'not very busy considering one of them is dad, but thanks anyway' and then not respond to him again. I hope maybe his wife might explain to him why I won't be speaking to him again if he doesn't get it.

OP’s posts: |

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