Hi. I will try and keep this concise.
Fostered child, from months old. Never had a close relationship with my FM. Never met my bio parents, but both dead now.
I felt love from my FM until I was around 12 years old. Around this time, according to her, I became 'difficult'. I was then the 'problem child'. It affected my relationship with other family members, even though I can never remember what I did wrong. They tell me they reacted to what mum told them.
When I look back, I remember being caught smoking. Nothing else. Yes, I was opinionated, but not rude, not 'sweary', not aggressive.
I was bullied at school and also bullied by some of the other children who were fostered. My FM didn't particularly like one of the other Foster children and they were hit. A lot.
I moved out, late teens. 100s miles away. I felt like I was a burden to her. First my bio parents didn't want me, but neither did she. Foster father was fine; we had a close relationship. I do think she was jealous of that. He just 'got' me.
Anyway, it was her dismissiveness. She never showed any interest in me. Yes, in the clothes I was wearing 'you look nice' or my hair in a certain style. But never any interest in my thoughts or feelings, unless I was happy. She could deal with happy, anything less than that would annoy her.
Falling pregnant and partner leaving after confirmation of pregnancy 'life isn't fair'. Finding out a bio relative was killed 'well, you never knew him'.
- When I was pregnant, she rang social services and asked them to put me on their books. All the while, telling me I'd be a great mum.
- Got my sister to come over and have a go at me, because I'd rang my mum in tears. I was a new mum and exhausted. My sister ended up slapping me and calling me selfish.
- Telling me to 'shut up' during labour, because I made too much noise. Can you believe that, days after giving birth, I was ashamed and embarrassed because my mum had told the whole family. I think that's what started the post natal depression rolling..
- I was raped and didn't want to keep the baby. Rapist was jailed. But she told the family about me having the abortion, even though I told her not to. I didn't feel it was anyone's business. Especially telling family members I didn't get on with
- Refusing to answer any questions, when I would bring them up, about my birth parents.
As well as being completely dismissive of anything that happened in my life.
When I was a child, I would go to other friend's houses, and marvel at the relationship they had with their mum.
Anyway, the final nail in the coffin was refusing to distance herself from a man, in authority, who had tried to kiss me, when I was a child. The response, when questioned, 'people change'.
As an older adult, I made sure that I was there for my parents; never asked them for anything, never let them know of any sad/unexpected news, always showered them with gifts/time because I was so afraid of being that 'selfish' child..even though I still don't know, to this day, what I was selfish for.
In return, I was never invited to Christmas/ birthday Do's. I never made anything if it, because I didn't want to appear 'selfish'. Although I was upset and confused.
My thing is, as a result of this, I really struggle with personal relationships. I struggle to express myself, I am always on eggshells, I don't know how to manage conflict, manage pain, manage arguments.
I'm easily offended, and I'm pretty sure I look for the negative, when there is no negative to be found. I often don't speak up about my own needs, for fear of being branded selfish, so I end up being a kind of martyr, but through fear and conditioning, rather than willingness.
My question is, has anyone else had experience of a mum like this? And how did you navigate it?
