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Female friend not invited on stag do

(220 Posts)
ConkerGame Sun 21-Jun-20 08:57:04

A very close male friend of mine is getting married next year. Whilst I was originally friends with him and consider him a really good friend, I have also become close to his fiancée over time and she has kindly invited me on her hen party. I would never have expected an invite on the stag as hens/stags are always women/men only in our group. I only invited the women on my hen.

DFriend’s and my mutual female friend has always considered herself one of the “lads” (I’m not to sure why as she’s actually not very “laddy” at all!). She always calls the boys in the group “her boys” and says she feels closer to them than the girls. She has a boyfriend so she’s not after the guys or anything, just seems to want to hang out with them more than the girls for some reason. I can’t tell whether she doesn’t make much of an effort with the girlfriends or whether they don’t make one with her (or if it’s a bit of both) but while she meets up with the girls who were originally in the group (like me), she never meets up with the girlfriends of the guys for dinner/lunch etc (like I do). So she hasn’t been invited on the hen like I have.

However, she’s not bothered by that. What she’s annoyed about is that she’s not invited on the stag! It’s men only and going by the previous stags in the group, it will be physically quite intense. They’re a sporty, competitive group who aren’t afraid of getting hurt or hurting one another (think rugby boys, but not!). So e.g. they’ll do some sort of activity that involves hunting each other in teams and (play)fighting each other. And they’re also very heavy drinkers, mainly beer and shots. She’s not a particularly heavy drinker and only likes wine/G&t. She’s not physical at all and would get very upset if someone physically hurt her (fair enough!). So basically she wouldn’t just fit in to the stag like “one of the lads” - she’d stick out like a sore thumb.

Anyway, things have kicked off as she’s messaged the group (both men and women) WhatsApp complaining that DFriend and his best man are being sexist by not inviting her. She says she’s a close friend of his and the only reason she’s not invited is because she’s a woman. DFriend rang me really upset as it’s not true at all. He says to be honest he’s not particularly close to her, never spends one on one time with her or anything and just doesn’t want her there. Nothing to do with her being a woman, just (a) he doesn’t like her enough to want her there and (b) knows she wouldn’t want to do any of the stuff they’ll be doing and will just be a pain.

I really feel for him. I’m a feminist and would be the first to call out sexism if I thought it was there. But in this case I think she’s just being a pain and upsetting DFriend without a real reason. Personally I think she should make more effort with the women and then maybe she wouldn’t feel left out as she would probably be invited on the hen. Don’t really know what to advise DFriend to reply as he can’t really say “I just don’t like you that much” without causing a lot of upset!

AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
Ihaventgottimeforthis Sun 21-Jun-20 09:05:52

YANBU
She's being selfish & insensitive, expecting to be invited.
She seems to have a perception of her role in the friendship group that isn't reflected in reality.
Tough.

Ihaventgottimeforthis Sun 21-Jun-20 09:10:44

And I don't think he needs to respond. It's his celebration, he's invited who he wants. She just needs to get over herself.

Poppyismyfavourite Sun 21-Jun-20 09:15:10

It kind of sounds like she's made her own bed and now she has to lie in it. She couldn't be bothered to be friends with the girls and now quite rightly she's not been invited on the hen either.

Can you kindly speak to her and point out that the guys will be doing all tye sporty stuff and drinking etc which she wouldn't want to do? And that she isn't close to the girls anyway and she probably wouldn't want to spend time with them either?

Itsjustabitofbanter Sun 21-Jun-20 09:15:38

It’s not sexist at all to not want a woman on a stag do. Even if she was a heavy drinker and into extreme sports I wouldn’t have thought she’d get an invite. It’s a chance for the lads to get together. A female changes the whole dynamic, especially this one who like you said he’s not even close to, and she’s not going to enjoy whatever they’ll plan anyway. Plus if they invite her, then it potentially invites other girls to complain that they can’t come on the stag do. She is BU

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit Sun 21-Jun-20 09:16:55

She's making a complete fool of herself!

Dozer Sun 21-Jun-20 09:18:15

Mutual friend is being U.

Would stay well out of it - not your problem!

MsTSwift Sun 21-Jun-20 09:19:33

She’s making a fool of herself- cringe

Cheesypea Sun 21-Jun-20 09:20:29

Id stay out of this one. She can sort it out with 'her boys'.

Ragwort Sun 21-Jun-20 09:21:18

Just ignore her messages, she clearly wants a reaction.

She sounds immature and rude.

Carolbaskinstiger Sun 21-Jun-20 09:22:59

Oh wow how embarrassing. If you like her I’d have a quiet word as no one will think she’s reasonable and I imagine she will find herself disinvited from the wedding and out of the friendship group.

recycledteenager24 Sun 21-Jun-20 09:25:56

how the hell could this be sexist ? he doesn't want her there and quite rightly it seems, how many women would honestly want a man [even a close friend] on their hen do ??

redcarbluecar Sun 21-Jun-20 09:26:07

I agree with staying out of it as far as you can and letting DFriend handle it. I think he needs to be direct. Sorry you’re upset about the stag do, but it’s men only. That would be pretty clear.

Swirlyceiling Sun 21-Jun-20 09:26:58

She's making an absolute tit of herself. YANBU.
Not your problem, male DF needs to sort this out, it's his stag.

Topseyt Sun 21-Jun-20 09:27:10

The only thing I might be tempted to do would be to warn her strongly that she is making herself look like a massive an entitled arse.

Then just step back. If she still wants to continue making an arse of herself then let her do that.

IWantT0BreakFree Sun 21-Jun-20 09:29:50

I think his best bet is to respond on the group chat in a very non-confrontational and breezy way. If he sends a lengthy response or gives lots of excuses/reasons, then he is A) validating her argument by giving it the dignity of a reply and B) she will find a way around any “barrier” he chucks up.
Something very brief like “Sorry you’re upset. It’s nothing personal. We’ll all catch up as a group soon I’m sure” and then just don’t engage on the matter any further. Literally ignore messages.

Toooldandfat Sun 21-Jun-20 09:30:07

She sounds quite selfish but also insecure. You're a good friend for wanting to sort this out. Maybe try and arrange a night out with some of the girls and include her, even though, like you say she doesn't make much of an effort with them. She might realise what she's missing out on with the girls and leave 'her boys' alone for a bit.

TinyPigeon Sun 21-Jun-20 09:30:29

not sexist at all to not want a woman on a stag do. Even if she was a heavy drinker and into extreme sports I wouldn’t have thought she’d get an invite. It’s a chance for the lads to get together. A female changes the whole dynamic

Your comment is textbook sexism? A woman changes the whole dynamic? That is sexist.

If she's not really a part of the laddy group or friends with the groom though she doesn't get to go. Doesn't really matter if it's sexist or not (hard to say here). I would stay out of it though if you want to keep both friendships.

CallmeAngelina Sun 21-Jun-20 09:31:04

"Her boys?"
That would piss me off, big-time! Is your dh one of those she means? angry

Destroyedpeople Sun 21-Jun-20 09:32:36

Fgs women don't go on stage do's. They are for men.
I had a friend who gatecrash a stag weekend so she could shag the groom but then she always was a desperate ....w***

CallmeAngelina Sun 21-Jun-20 09:32:40

Why is it any worse to say that a woman changes the dynamic of an event, than it would to say that a small child does on an adults' only one?

Carolbaskinstiger Sun 21-Jun-20 09:33:29

@TinyPigeon would you say that a man coming along to a hen do would change the dynamic? I would... so don’t see why it’s not the same the other way around.

Itsjustabitofbanter Sun 21-Jun-20 09:33:53

@tinypigeon well almost every man and woman on this planet is sexist then for having all male or female stag and hen do’s. Having a man on a hen do or a female on a stag do DOES change things, which is why it very rarely happens, otherwise all stag and hen dos would be mixed

Ughmaybenot Sun 21-Jun-20 09:34:12

It’s very sweet of you to want to try to sort this out but really the less said about it, the better really I think. I’m of the opinion that she’s made her bed re not making an effort with the incoming women of the group for whatever reason so has no invite on the hen do, but has no right to elbow her way into the stag either which is, and always has been, men only. He doesn’t need to respond to this any more than with ‘sorry, men only on the stag!’ and leave it at that. She’s making a right idiot of herself.

BurtsBeesKnees Sun 21-Jun-20 09:35:41

It's not her party and she's not invited. Simple as that. Doesn't sound anything to do with her gender. He just doesn't want her there.

She's making a bit of a tit of herself tbh and potentially ruining her relationship with the group and agro for the bride and groom

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