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AIBU to allow my partner to have sex with other women..

(17 Posts)
LastResorts Sun 21-Jun-20 00:09:28

I cannot meet his wants or needs, in a nut shell I have been abused as a child for a number of years, it’s done so much damage that I’ll never recover from. I cannot satisfy my partner sexually. He’s so kind & patient. He never says much about this but I know it’s there. I want him to be happy and not feel like he’s missing out. But the bottom line is, I cannot satisfy him I’ll never recover from my childhood sexual abuse. I’ve not suggested this to him, I think he will be mortified but I can’t help how I feel about this.

WIBU to suggest this?

OP’s posts: |
MamaLion1319 Sun 21-Jun-20 00:14:09

This is a dark road you'll take yourself down OP.
I'm also a survivor and also had issues around sex in a variety of ways.
However, if you suggested this and your DP actually did (although I suspect if he's a loving man he wouldn't) all the outcome would be is another person who has betrayed and violated you, even if you've given permission.
I still struggle to believe but some men are good and sex isn't everything to them.
Without performing, you are enough for him, else he wouldn't have stayed with you. You as a human being, satisfy him. Maybe you should talk to him about your fears, but please don't suggest he cheat x

IchWill Sun 21-Jun-20 00:14:20

I don't think that I, as a stranger can offer advice. You've been through so much and I'd recommend seeing a professional therapist that specialises in the trauma you've had.

I'm so sorry for what you've endured. You sound like a loving and kind person.

You deserve happiness. What you're suggesting probably isn't the answer.

hibbledobble Sun 21-Jun-20 00:16:11

I agree, seeing a professional therapist sounds like a good idea hear.

Please look after yourself and get the help you need flowers

MamaLion1319 Sun 21-Jun-20 00:21:11

Also you absolutely can face trauma head on! There's therapy, women's survivor groups etc. Maybe give NAPAC helpline a call if they're still operating through the virus. It's free to call and speak to a volunteer anonymously. They've been fantastic over the years I've used them for.

Happymum12345 Sun 21-Jun-20 00:38:28

Marriage is so much more than about sex. I suggest professional help, even if you’ve tried before. Don’t suggest he sleeps with other women, that’s heartbreaking for both of you.

Euclid Sun 21-Jun-20 01:14:56

Your husband probably does not want to sleep with other women.

Couchbettato Sun 21-Jun-20 01:19:30

Has he said that sex is an important factor to him?

Sex is important to some people but less so for others. If he has brought this up then it's because he loves you and wants to find a way to help you realise there's a loving side to sex, however if he hasn't brought it up, then don't assume there's a problem.

He's a grown man so I suspect he's able to discuss issues, so if it hasn't been discussed it's a non-issue.

And even if it were, sex with other women is never the answer. In sexless relationships where there is a dissatisfied partner it's not the sex that is missing but the intimacy and closeness that comes with it.

Not all people feel intimate or close during sex and find other ways to feel like that, like cuddling or watching movies together, or massages, or dancing. It's not all sex for every one.

Italiangreyhound Sun 21-Jun-20 01:46:19

I cannot advise you but just wanted to say you are an amazing person to be thinking of your husband's sex life when you have been so hurt. I really hope you find a way around all this.

I've not had EDMR (Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) but have heard it is very good. Especially for PTSD.

"Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) is a relatively new treatment which has been found to reduce the symptoms of PTSD.
It involves making side-to-side eye movements, usually by following the movement of your therapist's finger, while recalling the traumatic incident. Other methods may include the therapist tapping their finger or playing a tone.
It's not clear exactly how EMDR works but it may help you to change the negative way you think about a traumatic experience."


Dugup Sun 21-Jun-20 01:50:38

I struggle with sex too for the same reasons as you. It has never crossed my mind that I'd need to 'allow' my husband to go elsewhere. If that's what he needs then I am not the wife for him. He is wonderful and kind and understanding. He has never made me feel bad about the situation. We discuss that we would both like to have a different sex life to the one we currently have but it is never in a pressured way and there isnt even a hint of sulking or acting rejected if I have a flashback or if I am totally off sexual contact for a while.

You owe it to noone to have sex but if you are interested in healing then I can recommend these three books which massively helped me.
- Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse: Practical Self-Help for Adults Who Were Sexually As ChildrenAbused
- Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Workbook
- The survivors guide to sex

The second two are from the same author but totally worth having both. One is good for reading.the other is great for practical approaches. I recommend you work through thess in the rider I have written them.

Please let know you aren't alone. I've gone through being physically unable to put so much as my own pinky finger inside me due tot he extreme vaginismus caused by the trauma, to being for repulsed by my own genitals that I've dreamed of ripping them out of me. For many decades I would experience this guy wrenching sickness at the slightest sexual touch, even on my own. But all thoes things are distant memories now. I'm by no means 'fixed' I'm still mostly unable to have what most people would consider a normal sex life but I am a million miles on from where it used to be. Praise yourself for the progress you have made, don't focus on what you can't yet do.

Dugup Sun 21-Jun-20 01:52:58

Ugh, I promise I had spaces!

Purpleartichoke Sun 21-Jun-20 02:14:33

I would o my do it if you are planning to completely abstain from sexual contact with him forever. The risk of STIs is just not worth it.

BanditoShipman Sun 21-Jun-20 02:18:36

EDMR can really help with this. A family member had it for PTSD caused by sexual assault. I hope you can both find happiness whatever you choose to do x

Halo84 Sun 21-Jun-20 02:40:07

I had a relative who did exactly this. They had a child, and then she told her husband to find another sexual partner. She too had been abused, as a young adult. They lived together until death, and were happy with the arrangement.

She lived at a time when therapy wasn’t readily available. I do suggest you seek counselling. It’s a shame to not enjoy a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with your partner.

NotAnotherAlias Sun 21-Jun-20 03:31:50

I voted YANBU because it’s understandable why you feel this might be a solution and if both parties agree and are happy with the arrangement then it’s not wrong.

However, I don’t think this suggestion will help you or your marriage In the long-term. As others have said, your husband may not have an issue with how things are at the moment. Even if he does, having sex with someone else may not be what he wants and may prove very harmful to your emotional state. What would be more useful is for you to seek professional help to come to terms with all you’ve been through.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 21-Jun-20 04:31:42

How long have you been together? Presumably he has known this about you since the start of your relationship, yet he is still choosing to be with you.
You're not honouring or respecting his choice by giving him this option. If he has said anything about it, THEN there might be a point to your suggestion - but if he has said nothing, and is not complaining, then let it be.

WoodliceCollection Sun 21-Jun-20 12:37:01

You really need to talk to your partner about this, not random internet people. I'm so sorry you went through such an awful experience, and it's completely understandable that it's still affecting you. However, your partner may not want to have sex with other women, and it's hard to see why many other women would want sex with him knowing he'd never be able to become emotionally involved with them. Unless you are both committed to non-monogamy and find others who feel the same, it seems like this arrangement is highly likely to cause a lot of distress to all involved.

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