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To move 300 miles away from Ex with our child on separation?

(17 Posts)
Socialdistancegintonic Sat 20-Jun-20 23:31:16

I guess in some ways I’m looking for help in how I can make this work too, as well as honest opinions. I’m separating from DP, we’ve been talking about how for the last two years. Our son has severe SN and I’m his full time carer. He agreed that I could move back to my where my family and friends can support me, 300 miles away.

I moved into DPs area 10 years ago, into his house. I’d never met anyone I felt so suited to me, and was completely in love wit him. We planned to marry, and have a child. We had the child but then DP did an about turn and suddenly had cold feet. He was so loving when I met him, completely head over heels, he was fun, funny, responsible, interesting great job, kind, and he seemed to be totally into me. I honestly thought that was it, I’d found the one.

We both had children with other people, which hadn’t worked out. I worked full time in a good job, and took over also caring for his kids. It was brilliant really. Then when I was pregnant he started to go out without me all the time. Said he wasn’t sure he was ‘able to be completely himself’ with me. It started a cycle where I’d feel totally second best to everyone else in his life, and then when I wanted to leave he suddenly became loving again.

That when on for years, and then I found out he’d been texting other women on and off for years. If I voiced an opinion he didn’t like he’d get angry, and yet was such a good natured person. Everyone at work loved him. He left me once, moaned to his family, who all live near, and they became completely hostile towards me. His mother and sister are overbearing, domineering, and only showed interest in DS if it was without me and in their homes where they could take over.

He’d say we weren’t together so he didn’t have to talk to me about what he did with our son. I started to feel very low, as if I was just a brood mare, having a child and then discarded. I had no job or money to move anywhere, and it’s a small country place where everyone knows and respects his family but not me. I tried to get a job but it was tough online.

I’ve been heartbroken as to be honest I really wanted to make a family and DP seemed to be the most compatible person to me I’d ever met.

However he was adamant it was over but wanted it all mapped out before I left the house. He owns a huge house but as I’m not married I’ve no claim to it. I know I’m going to be our sons carer for the rest of his life, and couldn’t see any way to do this without help financially and emotionally, so am moving 300 miles to live with my sister for 1 year, aiming to get my career back on track and then get my own mortgage. AIBU?

Goosefoot Sun 21-Jun-20 03:46:47

It sounds like your ex would not be helpful with caring? If so, move. Normally I wouldn't take a child so far from a parent, even if he was a dick, but in this case I think you need the support.

Whichoneofyoudidthat Sun 21-Jun-20 03:54:29

Go. Get the support you need. Good luck.

slipperywhensparticus Sun 21-Jun-20 04:06:41

He agrees you can go then go make sure it's in writing first

VesperLynne Sun 21-Jun-20 04:08:22

He doesn’t sound like he gives a flying fig for either of you. Go and don’t look back.

PicklePig31 Sun 21-Jun-20 05:46:34

He doesn’t seem to care at all and seems to have many issues.

Please leave, your plan doesn’t involve him and you’ll be better for it xxx

positivepixie Sun 21-Jun-20 05:51:08

From your post, you want to move and he has agreed to it. What’s the issue?

Socialdistancegintonic Sun 21-Jun-20 09:45:32

Thanks for your responses. Ex has agreed and I don’t think I could have done with without that. It’s just a big thing to do. I guess I find it hard to let go of having him as a father and doing this basically alone. But that is what’s happened already, I do it all. If Ex has him he defers care to his sister who lacks understanding of DS and does not care for his his safety and wellbeing as well as he needs.

He says of course he’d rather not, says he is guilty for not giving his child a father who is around. But I think keeping his home, job and freedom is priority. It’s just a sad end to having kids with someone, especially if they have SN. You need desperately the other parent really.

converseandjeans Sun 21-Jun-20 09:57:05

It sounds like he can't cope with having a child with SN and is happy to pass the responsibility to your family.
Do you have older children? What about their Dad?
Sorry he's being so useless - just go where you can get help. Maybe working and paying for carer would help you feel more independent? How bad are DS issues?

Socialdistancegintonic Sun 21-Jun-20 10:01:23

Severe SN, I’ll be caring for him for life. I have an older child, whose Dad is rubbish too. Feel a bit of a failure and so wanted to give my kids an intact family. Ex was the ideal family man on the outside! Everyone thought so.

Sharpandshineyteeth Sun 21-Jun-20 10:04:37

What about the child? How will they feel moving away from father and extended family?

converseandjeans Sun 21-Jun-20 17:36:45

That's sad you will be left to deal with child with SEN alone. It sounds like he's not able to accept the SEN.
You need to move where you get some support. Your elder child will probably be happier.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h Sun 21-Jun-20 17:58:47

That sounds so hard. You need to go wherever you'll be strongest and happiest as you are clearly essential to this child and he has no back up.

Socialdistancegintonic Sun 21-Jun-20 22:07:50

Thanks. One of the last straws was when DS started to develop aggressive behaviour after being looked after by some relations of Ex. His family are a nightmare. Some days I just think I’m going to go under mentally from the relentless stress, and just to rebuild it with support.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h Mon 22-Jun-20 04:05:13

You need people around you who care about you. Go find your safe place.

HugeAckmansWife Mon 22-Jun-20 07:39:06

With a father who wants and has regular contact I'd say avoid it if at all possible. However in your case it seems a no brainer. How old is your other child? Will they need to move schools etc?

Socialdistancegintonic Mon 22-Jun-20 16:22:04

He will need to move schools, and I’ve looked into all of that. Schools are better where I’m moving to. Having a severe SN child really calls for maximum support, low stress, and preferably an intact family. Ex tells everyone how involved he is as a Father, And he totally believes it, however the reality is so different. He doesn’t see any harm in getting inexperienced family members to child mind every time. Maybe that is what happens when you are not really involved. I can see immediate effects of distress in DS, he just does not.

Child is 8.

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