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To want an affair but not a divorce?

(32 Posts)
Thedeadcannon Sat 20-Jun-20 19:07:26

I can't stand my husband. He's so emotionally immature and abusive. I feel so trapped. We have 2 kids and been together ten years. I have an older child who comes to see me at weekends.
I have no family at all and no friends who I feel I can rely on. Everyone that knows us tells me I have the perfect man. How he's such a nice person.
I have no money of my own. I have spent so much time doing up our house I don't want to leave it. He's regularly left and came back again, except he's not done that for two years now which is a record. I rarely have sex with him because I don't like him. I try my best to tolerate him but usually and up giving him the fuck off sign behind his back when I'm not smiling at his face.
He says how I'm the best thing ever, until he has a bad day or the kids have annoyed him, then he'll storm home in the middle of days out and ignore me, if I try to stop him he threatens to cause a scene, which he has before and it's so embarrassing.
If I get upset about it he gets even more annoyed. The only way to fix the situation is for me to pacify him and act as though it was me who did something.
So I always end up saying, I'm sorry I reacted like that I was just upset you were annoyed....
If I do that and pretend then everything goes back to normal quickly.
I hate it because it's him!!!
When I met him I was a single mum and working just fine and I feel like over the ten years I've nothing.
No money, no friends, no job!!!
I think if I have an affair, will I be happier?
He'd never find out because he works so much and thinks I'm a faithful idiot. Don't start going on about lockdown, that won't last forever.
If I had a distraction on the side or a connection with someone, maybe I could tolerate him.
Without going on longer, it's a difficult situation right now to get a job myself and get childcare for two.

OP’s posts: |
formerbabe Sat 20-Jun-20 19:12:03

You'll be flamed on here op so brace yourself.

Whatever you do, make sure you're safe, in every way possible iyswim.

I think your first step should be to get a job, and find out what you'll be entitled to financially if you were to get divorced...

CoRhona Sat 20-Jun-20 19:21:03

Sounds a great idea. What on earth could possibly go wrong? hmm

QueenofmyPrinces Sat 20-Jun-20 19:23:11

It sounds awful? Why not just leave him? This is no life and no environment for your children to grow up in.

LegallyBlue Sat 20-Jun-20 19:26:07

Of course you're being unreasonable. Anyone who says otherwise is a bad person.

Lemonmaid Sat 20-Jun-20 19:29:09

This isn't going to go well OP but suffice to say I sympathise flowers

Phipps91 Sat 20-Jun-20 19:30:23

I'm soo sorry you feel like this. But please take it from somebody who's been there and thought the "affair" was the best idea in the world. It's not. The backlash didn't bother me. People will always have an opinion on your life wether your have an affair or if you're staying with a man you don't like. It's the shame of my son growing up and will be asking questions why mummy and daddy split up. Will he resent me for ruining our family.
Have you got nobody at all you can talk to? To help? Just know you're not on your own! ♥️

R2519 Sat 20-Jun-20 19:33:26

I feel for you OP but this won't end well either way. I can understand why you wouldn't want to leave him. I think people forget you're not always leaving the person it's the lifestyle. The home, the friends etc. Its not always easy to do. It's jot alwyas easy to say I'm leaving and do it, sometimes fear of the unknown is almost too much to bear taking the chance.

Your husband sounds like a dick and you would clearly be happier single or away from him. Having an affair will be a distraction for a while but it won't solve the problem. You need to leave him and decide how you want to live your life.

Thedeadcannon Sat 20-Jun-20 19:34:21

For the most part it goes unnoticed because I don't argue and keep everything minimal for the kids sake. But I am FED UP of this. He's so used to me being the emotional punch bag. I cook I clean I do everything with a smile, it's absolutely USELESS trying to express myself or attempt to have a talk because it ends up with him eye rolling accusing me of moaning and nagging then him storming off and me being upset. So I just don't bother saying anything anymore and just pretend in my head I have a teenage child and deal with it that way.
Which makes me feel put off intimacy because to me he's a big baby not a lover, if this makes sense??
I just feel resentment which he probably knows??? But if I'm happy and doting and the house is taken care of and the kids then oh well life is great.
He never says sorry, never does romance, works hard outside and looks like the man about town then comes home and is a massive baby.
I hope someone out there can understand how I feel??
I used to cry a lot but now I just feel mostly resentment or numb???
I don't even tell anyone what he's like because everyone thinks we are fine and have a nice life.
He has loads of friends and and I know their wives, we are friendly and get along but I can't say anything to them.
My friends live abroad, what can they do we're not even close anymore.

OP’s posts: |
Thedeadcannon Sat 20-Jun-20 19:38:10

@Phipps91 yes exactly. I already felt bad leaving my older child's dad over a decade ago, and had the questions then. And now I feel I've got myself into a mess I can't get out of.
I'm not even the affair type and even resenting him and muttering fuck off all the time... because people tell me I'm so kind and so sweet. I do lots of charity work and feel like I'm secretly horrible because of this.

OP’s posts: |
WhatTiggersDoBest Sat 20-Jun-20 19:39:03

Why would an affair fix this shitshow? Who would willingly enter into an affair with someone who was married? Just get a divorce and move on, you sound like you're just staying for his money. hmm Set him free for someone who would appreciate him. There's a lid for every pot.

Tattoocrazymum Sat 20-Jun-20 19:39:09

I felt the exact same as you did.
He was controlling, enraged with jealousy at the thought of me cheating, no secure job, family didnt want to know him and he was/is a big waste of space.
I ended up staying with him so long because he would always guilt trip me saying i am throwing him out onto the streets, he has no where to go.
I spent so long in that vicious circle.
One day i had enough of his shit, told him to pack and leave. He did leave and he managed to convince his brother to let him stay and dont know much about what happened to him after that.

Honestly, for the sake of your children get yourself in a financially stable situation and make an exit.
Whos name is the house in?

Dawninglory Sat 20-Jun-20 19:45:50

Sorry op but you either put up with it or divorce him, you may well not keep the house, you may well end up on UC, but you will be your own person once more making your own decisions and way in life. I did it with an 8mth old (who's now 12) and yes it took me 6years but I am soo much better off personally.

Thedeadcannon Sat 20-Jun-20 19:51:48

Everything is in his name. I don't have money, he gives me money for shopping and bits and bobs. We're not massively rich but no I don't work, I want to work because I loved my job so much but childcare for two is so expensive even with the free days.
I'm not staying for the money, I'm staying for the kids because they are happy, if I could work and afford everything then I would go but I don't want to go, he should go. But if he goes who will pay for the house?? I know for sure he would be extremely bitter I know his bitter streak!!!
Oh I don't know. He had even said I should be grateful because he doesn't beat me up or take drugs etc.
I feel lonely. I want to feel cared about tbh. I've messaged a few people behind his back but then when it comes to meeting I just block them because I don't have the nerve, but I feel I might soon. My family live abroad, his family are so pompous and perfect I can't say anything to them either!!
I feel like I'm just living in a show. I only enjoy days out with the kids when he doesn't come!

OP’s posts: |
heartsonacake Sat 20-Jun-20 19:55:17

YABVU and selfish. If you want to shag around you need to divorce your husband.

Thedeadcannon Sat 20-Jun-20 19:55:30

@Tattoocrazymum so sorry to hear about your past situation. Fortunately my husband isn't jealous? He's never been bothered by other men he's so overly confident.

OP’s posts: |
Tlollj Sat 20-Jun-20 19:55:42

Oh mate. You need to leave. By hook or by crook you need to end this now. It’s hard I know but it can’t be any worse than this half life.

PinkyBrain Sat 20-Jun-20 19:57:53

Get a job and a plan to get out before you even think of dragging someone else into this. You sound miserable, you have to sort it for you.

theprincessmittens Sat 20-Jun-20 19:59:21

My mother took this gamble - stayed with a man who was constantly unfaithful to her, because she liked the lifestyle and the money. She used her 3 children and religion as the excuse not to leave. Backfired on her when my father left her for another woman 6 months after my younger brother turned 18...the family home was sold. So it doesn't really matter how much you might want to stay in it, if your husband decides to leave for good, you won't get to keep it anyway.

You are also setting your children a terrible example of how a relationship should be. Don't think they won't pick up on how you really feel about your husband. The level of anger and bitterness you are expressing here will be impossible to hide from them completely.

Welshmamma Sat 20-Jun-20 20:01:50

You need to move on, find some independence and don't be reliant on him. Others manage and you will find a way. He will pay maintenance and you will entitled to benefits.
You say your kids are happy but if you are that hostile towards him ( even if behind his back) I bet they know, that can only cause muddled up little heads. No loving relationship between you both the kids must be aware.
It's a hard situation, took me 5 years to finally be rid of my ex and he was a manipulative, abusive alcoholic but the feeling once he was gone was of huge relief and me and my three kids were free of him. It felt amazing to be my own boss we struggled for money but my god we were happy!
Good luck whatever you do x

user1471565182 Sat 20-Jun-20 20:01:59

Or just leave without the drama?

2007Millie Sat 20-Jun-20 20:23:48

An affair wouldn't fix it, but you know that.

1Morewineplease Sat 20-Jun-20 20:27:25

Just leave. There’s no point having an affair.
You clearly don’t get on so why prolong it.

Piffle11 Sat 20-Jun-20 20:28:55

Go and see a solicitor. Clarify your position, because you need to leave this man. You will never be happy, and if you have an affair, what then? What if you fall in love with this person? He will be even more miserable. This will never get better, and your children. Picking up on it too. Your husband sounds abusive and you need to leave.

Piffle11 Sat 20-Jun-20 20:29:37

* you will be even more miserable

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