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To think this is morally wrong?

(94 Posts)
Banana0pancakes Sat 20-Jun-20 12:51:03

So DH's biological father died 4 years ago. He was a waste of space and did nothing but cause upset while he was alive.

Dh and I went to the funeral with DH's half brother to put the past to rest and support dh half brother.

At the wake dh met family he had never met before because of the loss of contact growing up, though dh half brother had always been close to this side of the family.

Dh grandfather died last year, dh had become close in the last 4 years after the funeral reconciled them.

We have had the will reading and went along. Dh was not mentioned in the will at all despite it being made in 2017.

Dh brother was left 1000.

Every other grandchild was named and left 2000.

DH's biological father was removed from the will and his third of the estate was given to the two remaining children of the grandfather. There is also a clause in the will that states should his children die - the two it is now shared between- their portion should be given to their own offspring.

So am I right in feeling this is immoral? They've removed dh father line completely out the equation, treated dh half brother differently to the other 4 grandkids and totally pretended dh doesnt exist.

I'm so sad for him. If he had received a split of his fathers share it would equate to 15k which would be lovely but not massively life changing, so it's not about the money. It's a about feeling like he's been shit on again.

We're not going to contest it, I just want to know if I'm being overly emotional or if this is actually a shit thing to do?

OP’s posts: |
Laurabry Sat 20-Jun-20 13:11:39

I understand why you would be feeling like this... it's a funny emotion to have as it would seem unfair that other people are benefiting and your husband isnt. But the way I look at it is the person who made the will made those decisions, right or wrong. Money can be evil and you dont need that in your life. I went through it myself a few years ago where my uncle contested the will of my gramp... yet he hadn't been around for 40 years and expected to be left everything. Your doing the right thing by not getting involved 🙂

Ellisandra Sat 20-Jun-20 13:31:58

I don’t think it’s immoral to take a dead son’s “line” out of the will in terms of the main split. The split was between the sons, not their issue - the amount to grandchildren is a token. What if your husband had got 1/3 as he dad died? Would that be fair on the other grandchildren? Or the half brother? There are many ways to split a will, but majority split between surviving children, with token to grandchildren isn’t unusual or - to me - immoral.

I think it is shitty that he wasn’t included in the token amounts to grandchildren though. Also pretty shitty that the half brother got half the amount of the other grandchildren?!!

bubbleup Sat 20-Jun-20 13:40:04

Maybe he divvied it up based on the amount of time/help given to him over the years?

I do think it a bit odd that you went to the will reading of someone you've only really known 4 years though, maybe hurts more because it looks like you were expecting something?

Banana0pancakes Sat 20-Jun-20 13:40:40

Yes, its the subtleties of it.

Dhs brother is only half as worthy as a grandchild compared to the other 4 and my husband is disposed of.

I just don't think it's a kind thing to do. Dh has had a lifetime of being crapped on by his father and found some peace with his grandad over the last few years, now it feels undone.

You're totally right @Laurabry, it's a very negative feeling and not something we want to get hung up on. Dh is considering just going no contact with the remainder of that side, excluding his half brother, just to draw a line and move forward.

OP’s posts: |
ClosedDoors Sat 20-Jun-20 13:42:23

So did DH previously have any relationship with his GF? Or just for the last 4 years?

Banana0pancakes Sat 20-Jun-20 13:48:15

Yeah his gf made sure he had a christmas present at christmas and always received a birthday card. There was contact but arms length I'd say until the last few years when the potential of DH's biological father popping up was removed from the equation and they became really close.

It's interesting most people think iabu.
I just can't imagine splitting my will in a way that isn't equal, even if one of my kids fell out with me or whatever I can honestly say my will would always be 50:50 or to their own kids after them.

I presumed that's the natural order of things! Guess I'm wrong

OP’s posts: |
TooTiredTodayOk Sat 20-Jun-20 13:49:18

I haven't known there to be an actual gathering for reading of a will in years.

How did you get notified of it and why were you invited if your DH wasn't even named in the will?

It's really most unusual.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 20-Jun-20 13:50:16

The will was written at the very beginning of the last few years. It's sad but understandable. I'd be more sad if I was the brother, who has known them all along.

Bluntness100 Sat 20-Jun-20 13:51:19

Op when was the wiki written? Is it possible it was written before they were reconciled?

Boulshired Sat 20-Jun-20 13:53:25

It stings that the GF removed his dead child from the will but made provisions if similar happens to his other children that the money would be ringfenced. I think you have found out the hard way that sometimes the past cannot be undone completely. Treat the family as everyone else in your life if they add benefit and enjoyment let this go. It it is strained and was better before them, it’s time to move on.

user1972548274 Sat 20-Jun-20 13:58:01

I think it's wrong our legal system allows people to disinherit children or abuse others after they die.

It's normal practice among decent people for the grandchildren of a deceased child to receive their deceased parent's apportionment.

So if there were three adult children but one died leaving two children of their own, their descendents would receive half of a third each (so 1/6 each for the two descendants and 1/3 each to the two surviving adult children, rather than everyone receiving 1/4).

I was told by solicitor that if you'd originally drafted for equal shares to your children and one subsequently died with their own surviving children, that is how your will would be interpreted anyway even if you didn't rewrite it to be crystal clear. Although revising it to remove any doubt as to your intentions would be sensible.

To suggest that's unfair on the kids whose parents are still alive because they missed out on a "windfall" is crass and foolish. They have a living parent, which is by far the better deal - and will in turn inherit too, it's just that they get to enjoy their parent still being alive first.

Newkitchen123 Sat 20-Jun-20 14:03:41

I didn't know will readings were a thing
I've lost a few family members and I've never been to one
Who asked you to go?

theprincessmittens Sat 20-Jun-20 14:05:18

My mother went total no contact with all of her family from between 1982 to 1989. Left the country, lied to them (and me and my two brothers) about where we were heading. I only found out our true destination when we went through customs at what I had thought was our final destination.

Her motivation in doing this was purely because my father had no real relationship with his family and was jealous of her closeness to her immediate family. Convinced her that the normal amount of interaction was too much etc. My mother always put her marriage ahead of everything else, including her children.

She only got back in touch with them in 1989 as my younger brother rang my grandmother on his birthday. My father left her for another woman later that year (he'd started the affair before the contact happened). Ultimately she moved back to our home country and had a reasonably ok relationship with my grandmother until she died in 1997.

My mother was one of 9 siblings - 6 were still alive when my grandmother died. My mother wasn't mentioned in the will at all (neither were me or my brothers), the bulk of the estate was left to the 3 sons who had lived and cared for my grandmother all their lives. 24 years later my mother is still pissed off about it (my grandmother was extremely wealthy).

As I see it, my mother let her family spend nearly a decade not knowing if we were alive, not knowing what had happened to us. My grandmother was in very poor health when we disappeared. It's not something I would be able to completely forgive or forget.

I'd say in this case the sins of the father have been visited on the son.

diddl Sat 20-Jun-20 14:10:19

"I think it's wrong our legal system allows people to disinherit children"

Why shouldn't you be allowed to leave your money to whom you want though?

Op, do you think that your husband's father deserved to be disinherited?

LouLouLoo Sat 20-Jun-20 14:11:43

If the Will was made in 2017, presumably your husband hadn’t long been reconciled with his grandfather at this point?

Did your husband have any contact with his grandfather whilst his father was still alive?

Considering when the Will was made I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable that your husband wasn’t included if they’d had no relationship but I don’t see why his brother was treated differently.

TerrapinStation Sat 20-Jun-20 14:11:44


I didn't know will readings were a thing
I've lost a few family members and I've never been to one
Who asked you to go?

I'm sure I read a thread recently that had a will reading and the same question was asked, I don't think I saw an answer but I also thought thet were the stuff of old TV dramas.

I assume this happened recently as you are posting now, was it socially distanced.

Actually it now occurs to me that you might well not be in the UK but still interested in what they are like.

On your main question, it sucks but every one should be free to put whatever they choose in their own will as long as they are doing it freely

PlanDeRaccordement Sat 20-Jun-20 14:14:05

You say your DH met his grandfather four years ago so 2016
As of today, 2020, they were fairly close but the Will was written in 2017 so around a year after they had first met. How close were they in 2017?

Do you think if the grand father had updated his will more recently, he would have added your DH in?

I know you feel bad by your DH being hurt by all this, but the will represents what the grandfather wished 3 years ago, not today. I’d just cast myself back to 2017 and think, well he’d just met my DH a grandson he’d never known. They’d only been at arms length for a year or less. Why would he have changed his will so soon? As for why he didn’t update it more recently, maybe he thought he had more time?

Did the grandfather die suddenly?

UntamedWisteria Sat 20-Jun-20 14:14:07

I've also never heard of a will reading outside 19th century fiction.

And I've been to a fair few funerals of close family members.

DopamineHits Sat 20-Jun-20 14:15:23

I do think it a bit odd that you went to the will reading of someone you've only really known 4 years though

A bit odd that he went to his grandfather's will reading when they had only been reconciled for four years. Really, "a bit odd"?

Bluntness100 Sat 20-Jun-20 14:15:37

Sorry I missed the 2017. As a pp said, how close were they at this stage? I’m going to assume not very?

UntamedWisteria Sat 20-Jun-20 14:15:51

Google tells me:

"The "Reading of the Will"
Movies, television, and books sometimes depict scenes involving "the reading of the will," but this is an outdated, fictional scenario. It doesn't happen in real life, at least not in this day and age.
Estate attorneys were in the habit of gathering the family in their offices to read the will out loud in days gone by because not all people were literate. They might not be able to read the will on their own. No state requires a "will reading."

UntamedWisteria Sat 20-Jun-20 14:17:56

In England and Wales, who is entitled to read a Will depends on whether or not Probate has been granted. Before the Grant of Probate is issued, only the Executors named in the Will are entitled to read the Will. After the Grant of Probate has been issued, the Will becomes a public document and anyone can then apply to the Probate Registry for a copy of the Will.

If a Grant of Probate hasn't been applied for and the Will has not been provided to the Probate Registry, it will not become a public document.

dontdisturbmenow Sat 20-Jun-20 14:19:56

Dh grandfather died last year, dh had become close in the last 4 years after the funeral reconciled them
Really depends on what you mean by close. If that means the occasional text/email, seeing each other once a year for a mea talking about the weather, than no, 4 years will not take away what they miss before.

If however they got to see eachother weekly or so, opened up about the past and what they missed, your oh helped him with he needed help during these 4 years, then yes, it's a pity the will wasn't amended.

How old is your oh?

mouse70 Sat 20-Jun-20 14:22:05

Whole point of making a will is to leave your estate to the people YOU want to receive it. Estranged family should not be able to contest will if person making will had capacity when written and signed.Even non estranged family should understand person who has died had their own reason for leaving estate as they wished.

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