Talk

Advanced search

To say no to the constant family requests to visit?

(40 Posts)
Timeouttime Sat 20-Jun-20 11:39:19

I have 2 DC's aged 8 and 11, I feel like the hardest days of looking after small kids and having to watch their every move is behind me. I enjoy a few hours now, when we've finished homeschooling, while the kids all just disappear and play while I get on with work and housework.

My problem is my in laws. They live very very close. And they expect to see us an awful lot. My FIL likes to organise family get togethers every weekend and
SIL messages on every available sunny day asking if they can 'nip round for a bit' after homeschool. They have a young toddler and I think they see us as entertainment for him. Whilst I love love love seeing them all I don't want to do it all the time, once every other week would be perfect for me! I appreciate I need to compromise at once a week probably but AIBU? My husband thinks I'm making a big deal about nothing but I get so uptight waiting for their call that I know is coming. I find it very hard to say no as often I feel saying I've just got to get on with stuff is just rubbish and antisocial, even though it's the truth!

What would you do? AIBU? It's causing me lots of stress 😔

OP’s posts: |
Phillipa12 Sat 20-Jun-20 11:44:32

I'm with you and I have small children. I deliberately don't invite myself to my sisters as her DC are tweens and shes way past that shit and doesn't want her house trashed. She comes to my house regularly though but then she and her dc can leave once they've had enough of my under 5s!

Windyatthebeach Sat 20-Jun-20 11:50:23

Agree to visits when dh is home only. He can entertain his relatives..

dontlikebeards Sat 20-Jun-20 12:03:55

YANBU

GreenTulips Sat 20-Jun-20 12:07:38

Send DH with the kids

You stay home

Let your DH spend his free time with them if that’s what he wants

Or arrange meet-ups with people you want to even if it’s fictional ‘shame I’ve arranged to visit Debbie this weekend’

recycledteenager24 Sat 20-Jun-20 12:09:09

dh can do some entertaining for a change for HIS relatives, why is it usually the woman who is expected to host and make tea, feed guests and entertain them ?

bridgetreilly Sat 20-Jun-20 12:24:04

YANBU.

SteelyPanther Sat 20-Jun-20 12:33:37

Nip this in the bud now.
If your DH wants to do stuff with his family let him take the kids. I’m sure you’d like some time alone.
I don’t see any of my in-laws any more, they’re all two faced and if I met them I’d jolly well tell them so.

SteelyPanther Sat 20-Jun-20 12:37:54

And say no to the SIL.
Don’t give a reason why as if you lie you might get found out. Keep on saying no and she’ll eventually stop asking.

Timeouttime Sat 20-Jun-20 12:50:51

The problem is they always want to come here because we have a garden with lots of play kit ☹️

So do we think I just keep saying no during the week? Given the choice I think they'd spend all weekend with us 🙄 but lockdown has reminded me how important family time is for just 'us' so definitely wouldn't want to see them both days. Thanks for the support my husband doesn't get it at all, but then I assume he thinks magical fairies do all the sodding housework while hes at work. It hate that because I don't put on a suit to go out to work my work and my work running the house are seen as less important and less valid, and they all seem to think I should be at their beck and call to entertain them.

OP’s posts: |
HonneyBea Sat 20-Jun-20 12:55:21

"Sorry, today isn't possible" or "I'm just off out" or "Friend is visiting today, haven't seen them in ages and want to catch up"
Then tell them you'll get DH to ring them and get in touch to arrange something when he's home then you can all spend time together. And once every other week sounds fine to me!

Windyatthebeach Sat 20-Jun-20 13:19:31

Just keep offering up times dh is home. If they suggest other times say ah but dh won't be here and he wants to see them!

dottiedodah Sat 20-Jun-20 13:23:32

Ah those elusive fairies! Where are they when you have a pile of washing/ washing up /hoovering ?I reckon they are on strike! You need to do similar I think .Say politely and truthfully you need to catch up with some chores ,and work as well .Love to see them maybe once or twice per month Sunday Afternoons or whatever? Maybe go out for a walk with DC in the nice weather as lockdown is easing a little ?No one can be offended at that!

waltzingparrot Sat 20-Jun-20 13:30:59

Personally, I'd have to have PIL & SIL round together, same time every week, regular slot. Get it over and done in one go. Offer Sundays 2-4 or whatever (drinks only). You know it's happening and can plan. Plus, wink occasionally you'll have to cancel because you're away for weekend, kids party, whatever.

SpilltheTea Sat 20-Jun-20 14:04:02

Just tell her sorry you can't do today and then suggest a day that works for you.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 20-Jun-20 14:14:12

Just have Naked Saturdays 🤷‍♀️

It's a heat wave this week, should be easy

novacaneforthepain Sat 20-Jun-20 14:17:26

@LaurieFairyCake absolute brilliant! Are they invited to join? Or do they just find out when they arrive?

ifonly4 Sat 20-Jun-20 14:18:52

Well, they can't allow their DC to play with play equipment in case of cross contamination for a start. I'd tell them it's not convenient/you're not feeling up to it. If the requests are constant, then you might not hear the phone or doorconfused

Twigletfairy Sat 20-Jun-20 14:18:58

YANBU

Apple1029 Sat 20-Jun-20 14:22:12

I would absolutely hate this and thankfully we live hours away from family. We look forward to their visits because it's so infrequent. I do have a dsis that lives about 20min away but we always plan to get together, no pooping around. Your dh needs to respect you as well. It's also your home, he should be home to entertain them as well.
I grew up with this popping around nonsense and I truly hated it. So did dh. Actually most of our friends are the same and we make arrangements. I personally feel it's very disrespectful and rude to just assume people have nothing better to do than wait for visitors.

SoloMummy Sat 20-Jun-20 14:33:12

Tbh I think yabu.
You're a housewife with 2 children who can work fairly indeodently. So unless you have a mansion and all change clothes 5 times a day, then you really are not "working" all day are you?
I'm working from home like many and home educating on top.of running the home. And yes now we're allowed to go out (shielding) we make time for family as well as "us".

Once a week isn't excessive and your children as well as theirs benefit .

nevergoingoutagain Sat 20-Jun-20 14:35:57

I'm with you. When people come over I feel I can't get anything done and I really hate younger kids I'm my house. My youngest is only 6 but that's way different to a toddler in my brand new house with brand new carpets!!

I obviously have one toddler in mind and I frequently put my best friend off coming as I can't bear it. Also my 11 year old ends up "babysitting" which she loves for about half an hour but then feels she can't go off in her own!

IntermittentParps Sat 20-Jun-20 14:42:12

SoloMummy, the OP mentions 'work' as well as working as a homemaker.
But even if she was 'just' a homemaker, why should she drop everything all the time because the inlaws want to come over and (it sounds like) use her and her house as entertainment for their kids, and her DH won't step up?

OP, I'd be tempted to ignore their calls. If challenged, tell them they're better off contacting your DH anyway so they can make sure to come over when he's there.

I'd basically be polite but distant.

willowmelangell Sat 20-Jun-20 14:46:53

Yanbu. Dh can supervise them all in your garden. Take yourself off to walk/shop/breathe.

Coffeecak3 Sat 20-Jun-20 14:49:22

Say ‘that’s great, you can help me pull the sofa out/clean kitchen cupboards.’
Or just ‘ get yourself a coffee, I want to finish this ironing/mopping this floor.’

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »