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To feel cast aside in this instance ?

(152 Posts)
Isobored Fri 19-Jun-20 21:03:43

DH and I have been pulling some really big hours recently with work. Both stressed and trying to keep our heads above water. I also had some test results back this week which were pretty bleak (fertility related) it's been a shit week.

DH said at the start of the week, let's plan to do something you and I on Saturday to help us get through the week and focus on something positive.
I went away and booked a couple of 2 hour slots in some craft beer bars for us so we could have an afternoon out. (We aren't in the UK)
DH got a text asking if DSS could come over this weekend (shared custody - not 'our' weekend) he asked me, I said yes Sunday but not Saturday as we have plans. DH's response was it's ok I've asked DSS and he's happy to come out for the afternoon Saturday too.
AIBU to feel cast aside in this instance? And that an afternoon in the pub just DH and I is very different to one with a 13 year old ?!

OP’s posts: |
Chamomileteaplease Fri 19-Jun-20 21:06:00

So when he asked you, he was actually telling you?

I would be upset too. Not rocket science to get that it won't be the same experience, especially as you both had planned to have some quality time together. Tell him.

Isobored Fri 19-Jun-20 21:09:27

I've told him it doesn't suit and he thinks IABU for not being happy to include DSS.

OP’s posts: |
Isobored Fri 19-Jun-20 21:46:20

Anyone? Or is it just me.....

OP’s posts: |
ECBC Fri 19-Jun-20 21:57:56

I’d be upset too

Windyatthebeach Fri 19-Jun-20 22:01:17

Personally I think you need to spell out that actually you need him without dss around right now.

Isobored Fri 19-Jun-20 22:08:02

I have done, made it clear that I need plans to remain. More than happy for DSS to come over Sunday. But I'm making DSS feel left out by doing this .....

OP’s posts: |
Carlotacoffee Fri 19-Jun-20 22:09:09

So he is bringing his son on a date really. He wouldn’t have done that at the beginning would he? Why doesn’t he feel he still has to invest in the same quality time?

Gulabjamoon Fri 19-Jun-20 22:10:47

Well done for standing your ground. Give in on this at your peril...

CrazyToast Fri 19-Jun-20 22:13:36

YANBU. He has either missed the point or he doesn't care to see your point.

strugglingwithdeciding Fri 19-Jun-20 22:41:44

Tough one as yes he is letting you down on your arrangements but also guess doesn't see his son ever day / week
And MN is full of people normally saying how fathers should put kids first etc

ToffeeAppleCaramel Fri 19-Jun-20 22:52:18

I’m sorry for your tough week but I think YABU. Your husband should put his son first. So should you, you are the adult here and knew he had a child. You don’t want to feel cast aside but are willing to make a 13 year old feel that way. Not ok.

Isobored Fri 19-Jun-20 23:39:17

So whenever we have plans if DSS wants to come we should either accommodate him or change them?

OP’s posts: |
Weenurse Fri 19-Jun-20 23:42:22

Not your weekend so not unreasonable to have date day Saturday and DSS Sunday

ToffeeAppleCaramel Sat 20-Jun-20 04:58:10

The plans can accommodate DSS and your husband wants to accommodate DSS. So yes I think he should be allowed to join despite it not being your weekend. Your husband doesn’t stop being DSS’s dad on the non contact weekends and he wants to see his child - it’s a good way to be.

ToffeeAppleCaramel Sat 20-Jun-20 05:01:29

I still think your husband owes you a date. But I don’t think prioritising a request from his son is casting you aside. I would welcome DSS cheerfully and ask your husband to book something for else for the two of you another time.

CowsGoBaaaaa Sat 20-Jun-20 05:02:20

So your DP would rather facilitate his ex and whatever she wants to do (it’s her weekend to have their son) than you, his partner?

Porridgeoat Sat 20-Jun-20 05:27:00

Just tell him you’ll take a friend instead as it’s an adult thing and he can do something nice with his Dc

Porridgeoat Sat 20-Jun-20 05:36:02

You’ve had a shit week, the fertility issue will be a massive weight (which most wont understand). It’s ok to need some time together. It’s not ok that he’s bulldozed over your plans. His child is already well integrated into your family unit and his ex wasn’t needing childcare for an emergency.

Isobored Sat 20-Jun-20 05:44:58

I offered for DH and DSS to have 'boy time' and I'd go with a friend. But he wanted us to spend time as a family, even although I said I was maybe not in the right frame of mind.

OP’s posts: |
ToffeeAppleCaramel Sat 20-Jun-20 05:54:57

Based on your last message your husband is being unreasonable. Your boy time / friend compromise is totally fair. It’s right that he prioritises seeing his son but you don’t have to be there, especially if you will find it hard.

Shoxfordian Sat 20-Jun-20 05:58:17

He's being unreasonable, he said he'd go out with you so he should have told his son to come on Sunday only. Does this happen a lot? Sorry for your shit week as well

Jeremyironsnothing Sat 20-Jun-20 06:08:11

His options are that you go with a friend or he goes with you without dss. His choice, but you need that after the week you've had. He might not need it but you do.

Obbydoo Sat 20-Jun-20 06:10:19

Is there a reason why he's coming over when it's not your normal weekend?

SummerWhisper Sat 20-Jun-20 06:16:48

There are times when your mental health needs to be his priority over babysitting his son, whuch this is. He is not listening to you, he is not respecting you and he is not allowing you to have any choice or say in the matter. Review the partnership: is he always in control and do you ever have any influence?

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