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To buy or not to buy?

(14 Posts)
Rainbow12e Fri 19-Jun-20 19:08:33

Friend has a granddaughter who she has sole custody of.
I have always spoilt her GD on her birthday as I am almost like a second nan to her.
However, my friend hasn't been such a friend of late. She hasn't been very kind and has cancelled a lot of our meet ups. She has made insensitive comments and I feel she uses me when things are bad but disappears when things are good. She has not contacted me once throughout lockdown which is very sad. My problem is, her GD's 10th birthday is next week. I don't want her to think I don't care but at the same time, I do not want to be seen as wanting to reopen the friendship. Aibu to not give a gift this year and to let the relationship I have with her GD sadly fizzle out?

OP’s posts: |
bubbleup Fri 19-Jun-20 19:10:26

Well if you've had a lot of meet-ups planned lately are you sure she wasn't just uncomfortable due to distancing etc?

TokyoSushi Fri 19-Jun-20 19:12:37

I'm not sure if you should punish the child because of the grandmother's behaviour, I'd still give something small.

Rainbow12e Fri 19-Jun-20 19:13:38

No, her behaviour has been like this for a long time.
She is known for being selfish and arrogant. but I wanted to make my own mind up on her without passing judgement. I wish I had listened to others now.

OP’s posts: |
Pipandmum Fri 19-Jun-20 19:13:50

Your issue is with your friend not her granddaughter. I'd still give her a present but don't go over the top. She's probably missing you.

LadyFeliciaMontague Fri 19-Jun-20 19:16:26

YANBU.
You are not obliged to buy anyone anything for their birthday. It’s okay to stop. If, at a later date ‘friend’ brings it up, feel free to mention all the things you have said in your post.
Some people are takers, your friend is clearly one, always there when they need help, never there when you need them. If she hasn’t been kind it’s not just the relationship with the granddaughter you need to fizzle out!

Winter2020 Fri 19-Jun-20 19:17:57

You say she hasn't contacted you through lockdown but she may have been struggling with raising her Granddaughter without the usual support. Has her granddaughter been at home since schools closed? If she was usually a good friend I would give her space and another chance when things are more normal - and buy a medium type present - nothing spectacular but showing that you have not forgotten her. In fact I think I would give a simple gift or money anyway as if you don't the 10 year old may worry that she has done something wrong.

Cfmcg900 Fri 19-Jun-20 19:20:55

I would give one last small gift and then withdraw. That would make it less sudden to the little one if she has no gift from you after not seeing you in a matter of a year v few weeks/months.

chartreuse Fri 19-Jun-20 19:21:54

If her GD regards you as a second nan, wouldn't she be hurt if you ignored her birthday? Don't punish the child because of her grandmother's bad behaviour, that seems very mean spirited.

Rainbow12e Fri 19-Jun-20 19:30:48

The behaviour from the friend has been going on for ages. Not just through lockdown.
Clearly the relationship between me and her GD will no longer be seeing as my friend clearly wants the friendship to fizzle out as well. Until something goes wrong in her life that is.
Maybe her GD has forgotten about me now anyway.
With that said, I do think after reading the replies, I should buy her a small gift. I last saw her in February. That was most likely the last time. She may not be bothered either way but I don't want to upset her. She has been a special part of my life for many years.

OP’s posts: |
LegallyBlue Fri 19-Jun-20 19:34:24

If this child is like a grandchild to you then of course you're being unreasonable. Imagine she's the paternal grandmother and you're the maternal grandmother. If the parents divorced and you no longer got along with the paternal family, would you stop giving gifts to your grandchild? Of course not. You've said you're like a second nan to her - so there is no difference. Blood doesn't matter, family is family and you've said that you view her as family.
Also, this child is a separate human being from your friend. She's done nothing at all to hurt you. Children are not extensions of their parents or grandparents.
Buy the child a gift.

Rainbow12e Fri 19-Jun-20 19:38:55

Legally though I am not her grandmother and do not have the rights to see her.
When people say someone is family they do not always mean it. My friend certainly didn't.
I will buy her a gift. I know I won't see her again which is really sad but the replies here have made me see it's the right thing to do.

I will miss her terribly.

OP’s posts: |
pilates Fri 19-Jun-20 19:42:23

Yes I would buy her a gift.

chartreuse Fri 19-Jun-20 19:44:35

Keep in touch with her, cards and gifts at Christmas and birthdays will mean a lot I'm sure. When she's a bit older you could see her independently of her GM.

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