This could be a long one.....
I don't normally turn to forums for personal advice, but in the absence of being able to talk things through over a barrel of beer in the pub, thought I'd try this approach. Hopefully get a good range of thoughts and experiences…
Been seeing a girl for a year now, first proper relationship since separating from my wife a few years ago. She's amazing, everything I was looking for, similar interests\hobbies (even cars), really good fun, great banter, very caring, same outlook on life etc etc..... When things are good, it's the best relationship ever!
However... every couple of weeks another jealous related issue raises it's ugly head and I've got to the stage I'm sick of it. It's exhausting having to reassure her all the time and it feels like I’m indirectly being accused of cheating, frequent underhand comments\digs, interrogations… etc etc. Now I didn't go into this totally blind, we discussed from the outset we can both be jealous at times and of course in a new relationship it takes a while to build the trust, but I thought we got past this...In fact, she recently met my kids and it went really well, way better than we both expected and they've really taken to her in the last month and a bit... which makes this all the harder.
So to set the scene, I’m in regular contact with a couple of females by text and email mostly, one I’ve been speaking to for years and years, the other just this year really. In terms of frequency, I’d say once every couple of days, just general chat about how’s your week going, kids good, been up to much… Never a hint of flirtation or any other underlying agenda and would probably be a 5 minute conversation if in person max. It just so happens these two females are attractive and therefore seen as a threat, she’s not bothered about my other not so attractive female friends who I go out on the piss with now and again, funny that. She doesn’t understand why I need to be in such regular contact with them, even if it’s just 5-10 messages every other day, generally not conversational. It’s not like I’m sitting in all evening messaging them, or make it the first thing I do when I get up or last thing before bed. Going back over the years I’ve also had friendships like this with guys, but we’ve drifted for one or another reason. I’m not specifically looking for female friendship, although I do find they’re a lot more interested in genuine day to day chat then guys are…
So this is a fundamental problem in our relationship and has really come to a head in recent months, lockdown probably isn’t helping. Had a bit of a WTF moment at the weekend when friend A got in touch to ask if I had any moving boxes left over, which I did, agreed to drop them off. But then I thought to myself, this is only going to cause a problem between the girlfriend and I, so had to make up some bullst excuse I couldn’t make it. I could of lied and went, but didn’t want to do that. On reflection, it’s a ridiculous situation to be in to “fear” of the repercussions of something so innocent as dropping cardboard boxes off. A few months back we’d agreed to go biking together, when I announced this my girlfriend was not happy and had actually is was friend A who cancelled it as she didn’t want to cause any problems… which was nice of her, but I was annoyed I wasn’t able to make that decision myself.
So to try and resolve this, I’ve suggested to the girlfriend she seeks help for her jealousy issues on a number of occasions. She’s been cheated on twice in the past and clearly been badly hurt, so would support her through this process, but she’s not interested, which means it’s down to me… I have to decide:
- Stop talking to my two (attractive) female friends
- It’s no longer worth the ballache and reluctantly end things
Really confused what to do here.. perhaps my behaviour is unreasonable and selfish?? I guess I wouldn’t be thrilled if she was doing the same, but I’d like to think I’d deal with it on the realisation it’s just friendship. It’s 2020, we can have friends of the opposite sex right?!
Suspect responses will be totally split...
Any advice?
