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Question asked by a man on another website - what do we think?

(94 Posts)
ConfusedMartian Fri 19-Jun-20 18:35:01

This could be a long one.....

I don't normally turn to forums for personal advice, but in the absence of being able to talk things through over a barrel of beer in the pub, thought I'd try this approach. Hopefully get a good range of thoughts and experiences…

Been seeing a girl for a year now, first proper relationship since separating from my wife a few years ago. She's amazing, everything I was looking for, similar interests\hobbies (even cars), really good fun, great banter, very caring, same outlook on life etc etc..... When things are good, it's the best relationship ever!

However... every couple of weeks another jealous related issue raises it's ugly head and I've got to the stage I'm sick of it. It's exhausting having to reassure her all the time and it feels like I’m indirectly being accused of cheating, frequent underhand comments\digs, interrogations… etc etc. Now I didn't go into this totally blind, we discussed from the outset we can both be jealous at times and of course in a new relationship it takes a while to build the trust, but I thought we got past this...In fact, she recently met my kids and it went really well, way better than we both expected and they've really taken to her in the last month and a bit... which makes this all the harder.

So to set the scene, I’m in regular contact with a couple of females by text and email mostly, one I’ve been speaking to for years and years, the other just this year really. In terms of frequency, I’d say once every couple of days, just general chat about how’s your week going, kids good, been up to much… Never a hint of flirtation or any other underlying agenda and would probably be a 5 minute conversation if in person max. It just so happens these two females are attractive and therefore seen as a threat, she’s not bothered about my other not so attractive female friends who I go out on the piss with now and again, funny that. She doesn’t understand why I need to be in such regular contact with them, even if it’s just 5-10 messages every other day, generally not conversational. It’s not like I’m sitting in all evening messaging them, or make it the first thing I do when I get up or last thing before bed. Going back over the years I’ve also had friendships like this with guys, but we’ve drifted for one or another reason. I’m not specifically looking for female friendship, although I do find they’re a lot more interested in genuine day to day chat then guys are…

So this is a fundamental problem in our relationship and has really come to a head in recent months, lockdown probably isn’t helping. Had a bit of a WTF moment at the weekend when friend A got in touch to ask if I had any moving boxes left over, which I did, agreed to drop them off. But then I thought to myself, this is only going to cause a problem between the girlfriend and I, so had to make up some bullst excuse I couldn’t make it. I could of lied and went, but didn’t want to do that. On reflection, it’s a ridiculous situation to be in to “fear” of the repercussions of something so innocent as dropping cardboard boxes off. A few months back we’d agreed to go biking together, when I announced this my girlfriend was not happy and had actually is was friend A who cancelled it as she didn’t want to cause any problems… which was nice of her, but I was annoyed I wasn’t able to make that decision myself.

So to try and resolve this, I’ve suggested to the girlfriend she seeks help for her jealousy issues on a number of occasions. She’s been cheated on twice in the past and clearly been badly hurt, so would support her through this process, but she’s not interested, which means it’s down to me… I have to decide:
- Stop talking to my two (attractive) female friends
- It’s no longer worth the ballache and reluctantly end things

Really confused what to do here.. perhaps my behaviour is unreasonable and selfish?? I guess I wouldn’t be thrilled if she was doing the same, but I’d like to think I’d deal with it on the realisation it’s just friendship. It’s 2020, we can have friends of the opposite sex right?!

Suspect responses will be totally split...

Any advice?

OP’s posts: |
FourEyesGood Fri 19-Jun-20 18:36:28

“Females”?

Liverbird77 Fri 19-Jun-20 18:38:27

Keep your friends. This is how control begins

roarfeckingroar Fri 19-Jun-20 18:38:52

"Females" indeed.

I would wonder why you feel the need. I don't care about my partner having female friends at all, but I would wonder what you're getting out of these given there is no long standing friendship / connections. Sounds like you like having your ego stroked.

Fairenuff Fri 19-Jun-20 18:39:31

I don't understand why you have copied some stranger's post off another forum and posted it here? It's not like they are going to see the replies. What do you get out of it?

lyralalala Fri 19-Jun-20 18:45:40

As reverses go pretending to have copied it from another forum is quite creative.

Leave him to have his friends. It's creepy and controlling to try and dictate who your partner can be friends with.

Either accept their life, and their friends, or walk away and move on.

Craftycorvid Fri 19-Jun-20 18:48:55

Yes, ‘females’ - female badgers? Fish? I assume you meant to say women there. And attractiveness is subjective - your subjective assessment of these women friends of yours. I expect they have other virtues as well. It’s dismissive of your new partner’s feelings if you project it all as ‘her’ jealousy issue. Whilst it would not be all right for her to try and control who you see, I can understand why she may feel a bit anxious about the frequent texting. Clearly at present you can’t easily introduce everyone, but when you are able to do so it would be polite and respectful to your new partner to arrange a meeting - in which you emphasise introducing her as your new partner.

PicsInRed Fri 19-Jun-20 18:54:03

Why would you introduce your kids to a jealous, "exhausting" person?

Regular text contact? 🤔

"Females"? hmm

No legs to this mate.
End it - for the both of you.

FizzAfterSix Fri 19-Jun-20 18:54:51

She seems to be irrationally jealous.
Only you can decide if the benefits outweigh this.

Fairenuff Fri 19-Jun-20 18:55:12

OP are you one of the people in this scenario?

Or are you a plopper?

BankofNook Fri 19-Jun-20 18:56:18

In my experience there is a specific type of man who refers to women as "females".

There are a few different issues here.

Firstly, do you refer to them as being attractive or made other comments about their appearance? Are they ex-girlfriends or did you meet them via a dating app? Context is key here as to whether she has any grounds to be jealous. I had a BF way back when who was besties with a woman and it never bothered me until the day he mentioned that she was his ideal woman in terms of looks and personality but couldn't have a relationship with her as they weren't sexually attracted to one another.

Secondly, you say you both get jealous. Have you shown jealousy towards any of her friends? Is this tit for tat?

Lastly, if its straight up unfounded jealousy and shes not interested in resolving it then end it. Life is too short to live on eggshells.

SadSisters Fri 19-Jun-20 19:01:39

Please don’t ever call women ‘females’, it’s derogatory.

tillytown Fri 19-Jun-20 19:10:19

I'm going to assume the females are pigeons, so yes, being jealous of pigeons is weird. Just put out some bird seed and live your life.

Ginkypig Fri 19-Jun-20 19:18:04

At they weren't called menstruaters grin

MashedSpud Fri 19-Jun-20 19:24:29

Is he Martin from Friday Night Dinner?

sideorderofchips Fri 19-Jun-20 19:25:08

Only woman I ever had a problem being friends with my husband is one that was my friend first. Then decided she preferred him and became instrumental in our separation due to her shit stirring and back stabbing.

Otherwise I never gave a shiny shit

Msmcc1212 Fri 19-Jun-20 19:29:59

Have you just cut and pasted that from another site or is this your personal dilemma? If is not your own dilemma and you don’t have permission to share, whilst this may not be illegal, morally it’s dubious. And a bit gossipy.

Coyoacan Fri 19-Jun-20 19:33:57

Keep your friends. This is how control begins

No good has ever come out of being in a relationship with a jealous person or, to put it in another way, being in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you.

LadyFeliciaMontague Fri 19-Jun-20 19:46:39

Keep your friends. This is how control begins
Yep
No good has ever come out of being in a relationship with a jealous person or, to put it in another way, being in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you
Absolutely.

NYCDreaming Fri 19-Jun-20 19:46:54

Why are you copying a post from another website onto here? In the absence of the poster, what are we supposed to be discussing?

Are you the poster?

Sparklesocks Fri 19-Jun-20 19:49:07

wink

Laiste Fri 19-Jun-20 19:53:17

So - THE OP IS NONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS SCENARIO.

This is a question they've copy and pasted from a stranger on different website ......

why?

Samtsirch Fri 19-Jun-20 20:07:37

You twonk.

XDownwiththissortofthingX Fri 19-Jun-20 20:09:48

Unless you want to end up in a situation whereby you spend every moment of your life tiptoeing around, doing what you think your partner would want you to do instead of what YOU want to do, all for fear of upsetting her because of her own massive insecurity and jealousy issues that she refuses to address, get yourself out of there now.

Switch the sexes around. What do you think a man would be told who tells his female partner that she can't meet her friends, who she can and can not talk to on social media, or at least, has massive meltdowns about who the woman IS speaking to when it's all entirely innocent?

Control and abuse is still control and abuse. It doesn't matter the sex of the person exercising it, and it's not ok just because its driven by insane paranoid jealousy.

BIWI Fri 19-Jun-20 20:12:00

Calling women 'females' is never going to get you anywhere sensible.

If you copied this from another website - why?

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