DP and money - yawn warning

[Picassosfriend]

So, I'll try and be as succinct as possible. When I met DP I was completely unaware that he had a bad gambling habit. I had a very good job and my own house and he moved in with me when I got pregnant. After holding down a hugely stressful demanding job, keeping the family afloat money-wise and having a second child, I found out that DP was a gambler. I paid off over £30,000 of his debts when I sold my house and we moved to a bigger place. We were married by this stage, but I had to buy the new house in my name as his credit was dreadful. Two years later, I found out that he had run-up another £32,000 in gambling debts. Made him join gamblers anonymous as a condition of us staying together and he slowly paid off the debt and got his life back on track. In the meantime, I left my job and set up my own business so that I could be at home for the children. This was my choice. Problem is, I have always had to manage the family money, as if we need anything it always seems to be me that has to save up for it out of my money. If I query this, DP makes out that I am a nag. He is a man child who puts on a good front of being successful to outsiders (on the back of the lifestyle my house has provided us with). We don't really discuss money as DP gets very defensive as says that I am obsessed with money. This isn't true. I want to safeguard my families future and not waste it on random frivolous spending that DP seems to enjoy. Most of the furniture/household items have been purchased by me. Anyway, on payday I asked DP how much he as paid this month. As usual he joked around and wouldn't tell me. I asked him to show me on his phone and said other couples discuss finances. In the end he showed me. I scrolled down his purchases and saw that he had spend £40 on the lottery in the past few weeks. I was furious. Isn't this gambling - and such a waste of money. We had words and I told him to delete the direct debits for that he has apparently set-up. Am I being unreasonable? Just for clarity, he gives me a set amount each months towards the bills and food, but has no interest in using the rest of his money for household items/repairs etc.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Why would you stay with someone who will ruin you financially if given half the chance and who isn't adult enough to take responsibility for his shortcomings?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

Not sure what you're asking?

You don't trust him re. money (quite understandably) and you aren't sure he's over his gambling addiction. Not surprising given his track record.

But what are you actually asking Mumsnet?

[Picassosfriend]

I guess I am asking if I am being unreasonable to want to know what he earns and what he spends his money on.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

It sounds exhausting. Imagine how great life will be when you don’t have to worry about providing for a third child you never wanted. He’s taking the absolute piss out of you and he’s never going to change. Anyone who calls you a nag is a bully. It’s a horrible word. And how fucking dare he accuse you of being obsessed with money when without it he’d be living on the street. You’ve given him plenty of chances. Time to walk away.

[heartsonacake]

You shouldn’t be with him. You can’t trust him and he doesn’t care enough to not financially ruin the entire family for his own selfish desires.

[UnfinishedSymphon]

Nah sorry, I wouldn't be standing for this. Who pays for things for the kids, evenings out, holidays etc., I bet it's all you?

Kick him into touch before he bleeds you dry and don't cover for him when people ask you why

[Hidingtonothing]

I think tbh OP the only way to really safeguard your family's future is not to be with a man you can't trust financially. Sorry, I realise that's harsh but there is no way to adequately police a gambler to the point they can't possibly drop you in the shit when you least expect it and I would struggle to see a way forward under that constant threat.

Whether you were unreasonable about the lottery (you weren't) isn't really the issue here, the issue is that you are trying to build a secure future for your family and he is not, in fact he has (and probably still is) actively worked against it. I just think your chances of a secure future for you and DC would be greatly improved by his absence, sorry OP.

[Bottleup]

Of course you're not unreasonable and I think you know that if you're being honest with yourself. He sounds immature and selfish and you deserve better.

[romdowa]

Yanbu in saying that he shouldn't be doing the lottery , it's still gambling. However I feel you are kidding yourself that he will ever stop. Why would he ? You pay for everything and when ever be messes up there are no consequences.
Get yourself some help about being the family member of an addict and hopefully this will help you make the decisions which are right for you.
You cannot change this man , he will use every trick in the book to make this out to be your fault and you'll probably end up broke and exhausted

[AnneLovesGilbert]

What a helpful reply NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

[myusernamewastakenbyme]

Op im pretty shit at ending crap relationships but fuck me i'd have his arse out the door on this one...you will never be secure with this dickhead...get rid pronto.

[CodenameVillanelle]

@Picassosfriend

I guess I am asking if I am being unreasonable to want to know what he earns and what he spends his money on.

It's utterly pointless.

[Notyetthere]

@NoteverythingisBlackandWhite I think it is something to do with the app. I find that all my posts are like this. I out in paragraphs but on posting the bloody dies this everytime.

[DappledOliveGroves]

You're on a hiding to nothing. He's a compulsive gambler and will rack of debt and cause a trail of misery. If he had truly reformed, he would be absolutely transparent with his finances.

I couldn't stay with someone lile this.

[andweallsingalong]

Why not just ask him to increase the amount he gives you to include a share of the household expenditure he doesn't currently contribute to?

As long as no longer gambling then he can spend the rest of his money how he wishes and you will hopefully feel less resentful and that he's pulling his weight.

[Samtsirch]

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite
Have you actually read your own post?
It doesn’t make sense🤣
Try proof reading before you press ‘post message ‘
😆😆😆

[Andwoooshtheyweregone]

Yanbu and it’s not reasonable for him not to contribute to the household even though he benefits from the household items.

[Pugsrus]

Gosh op
He sounds like hard work .
Could he pay his money into a joint account,you pay all the bills then take a set amount out each as spending money ,any left is saved
We have joint accounts ,all on line ,nothing to hide ,I spend more on clothes ,but he doesn’t mind

[FurbabyLife]

Why the hell are you with this idiot? 😦

[MyOwnSummer]

YANBU to expect to know what he earns and where it goes, since you have spent tens of thousands on bailing him out previously. He kinda owes you that at least.

YABU to expect any better behaviour from him in the future, he is not taking his addition seriously and it is only a matter of time before it all goes horribly wrong for you again. If he won't man up and do what needs to be done, you have no option but to divorce him to protect your own financial future, and the kids.

[Needbettername]

Why don't you take all of his salary and give him an allowance?! Until he can prove he is trust worthy. This would be the only way I could deal with this.

[Gulabjamoon]

For staying with this man child - YABU. Ditch the twat.

[Jokie]

"He has no interest in using the rest of his money for household items/repairs etc."

So who pays for that? He's got to be kidding. You need to.either take full control of his money or leave. His attitude is absolutely appalling

[C152H]

Well, if he wasn't a gambling addict and was prepared to help you pay for costs that really should be shared (like the ones you mention - fixing the house, buying furniture etc), I would say you were unreasonable to demand to see his payslip and know what he spends his money on.

However, since he is a gambler and is selfish with whatever money he has, YANBU. Personally I'd leave, as I don't believe that he'll change. However, if you believe he will, I'd be looking at every possible avenue to protect my own money if I were you, and I certainly wouldn't bail him out of any more debt. I'd also be very careful about the possibility of him mortgaging your house (I know it's in your name but, believe it or not, these things do still happen) or pawning some of your things to feed his habit.