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Am I just annoying or is his behavior wrong?

(161 Posts)
wttaf Fri 19-Jun-20 08:20:07

My OH has a way of stressing me out and I want opinions on if this behavior has a name and how I can call him out. Or if I am just too easily stressed out

Yesterday we had a 1 hour motorway journey. I am a really nervous passenger when on the motorways. I don’t drive on them myself and never have. My BIL died in a car accident a few years ago (he was not on a motorway but was on a national speed limit road) and my dad once fell asleep at the wheel on a motorway and drove into the central reservation in the middle- did not crash but I was in the passenger seat. I’m Not here to discuss my fear (I know I should get over it and I did choose to go on this trip knowing it was a motorway journey)

My OH knows how scared I am. He puts his flip flops on and I say could you please wear proper shoes it makes me even more stressed.. he says no he is fine. We are on the motor way and he literally holds the steering wheel with 1 finger, occasionally taking his hands off to clap to the music (we have young children). He knows this is stressing me out really badly but he continues. He drives in the fast lane of course..
On the way home he says he is falling asleep and keeps closing his eyes. I am furious and terrified. I am talking absolute shit to him to keep him awake and asking him if he wants me to drive, he says no.

He does this a lot of the time, doing things to put me on edge and make me scared. My example of the car journey is typical. I need to know is this my fault, Am I being unreasonable?

OP’s posts: |
7yo7yo Fri 19-Jun-20 08:22:11

Why are you with this horrible twat?
Why don’t you drive yourself?
Have you had counselling?

HyggeHeart Fri 19-Jun-20 08:26:36

What a horrible man.why would you do this to someone you care about. Such a cruel, idiotic thing to do to you and your children. No it's not your fault, you understandably have this year and he deliberately used it against you. Horrific behaviour from him.

Powerplant Fri 19-Jun-20 08:26:56

Sorry to say this and don’t want to offend you but he really is a d***khead driving like this. He is putting your family and other drivers’ lives at risk - who drives like that other than someone who is trying to frighten somebody else - you! I do a lot of motorway driving and hope I never see him. Taking his hand off the wheel in the fast lane and flip flops - how old is he. He really needs sorting out Like a said a d**k.

GrumpyHoonMain Fri 19-Jun-20 08:27:45

Show him this - basically its not illegal to drive with flipflops provided he has control; but if he has an accident and hurts someone he could well find himself at fault. It’s a huge grey area.

UnfinishedSymphon Fri 19-Jun-20 08:28:03

This is absolutely horrific, he obviously has no regard for you or your family's safety and is a danger to everyone on the roads.

I cannot actually believe someone would act like this knowing what you've been through, he doesn't care about you at all OP. I couldn't stay with someone who finds it amusing to put my family's and other road users lives at risk

Angelonia Fri 19-Jun-20 08:28:44

He sounds awful OP - really unkind. Is it only in the car that he behaves like this?

ThanosSavedMe Fri 19-Jun-20 08:31:20

Why would you want want to terrify the person you’re supposed to love and care for?

He’s a total idiot. You have very good reasons for being a nervous passenger and he thinks doing this is hilarious. Does he have any good qualities?

PuntasticUsername Fri 19-Jun-20 08:31:21

Gods, I've got my heart in my mouth just reading that.

Two reasons - first, he drives in a way that is objectively, undeniably dangerous. With you and your children in the car, among other innocent motorists on the road.

Second, he does all this knowing that it terrifies you - for very understandable reasons, given your past experiences.

He's a nasty twat, I'm sorry.

juicey09 Fri 19-Jun-20 08:32:33

I agree with all above. I have a fear of motorways after I was in an accident on one. My husband knows my limits, always respects the speed I feel comfortable with, and if I'm getting really anxious he'll go slower and he avoids the fast lane.

Your DH is showing scant regard for you and your children. You need to have a very serious discussion with him!

YouDirtyMare Fri 19-Jun-20 08:32:38

Fucking hell, what a prat
And you are with this man why?

arethereanyleftatall Fri 19-Jun-20 08:33:57

Would he drive like this if he were alone in the car, or is he doing it deliberately to upset you? (Either way, driving like this is awful, but the latter is ltb territory)

Ilovechinese Fri 19-Jun-20 08:34:01

Wow he sounds like a psychopath who gets pleasure from scaring you especially since that is how your Dad nearly had an accident before with you as a passenger! I would refuse to get in a car with him again or let him drive with your children!!

Nobodysdiary Fri 19-Jun-20 08:34:50

I would refuse to get in the car with him.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Fri 19-Jun-20 08:35:36

He is being a nasty twat OP.

Driving on a motorway with flip flops, with one finger/ no hands on the wheel, when you're tired is not safe for any reasonable person. He is being an absolute shit to jeopardise his children's safety and for what? To avoid slightly warm feet? Lots of people would feel like you do without a fear of motorway driving.

But to do that when he knows you are scared is downright nasty. Most partners try and reassure someone with a fear even if its illogical (eg scared of spiders, the partner will remove one without being asked as they know it will freak the other person out). Or at the very worst, remain indifferent (eg leave the spider where it is, or in your case not mention it or reassure you but not do anything dangerous either).

He is going the other way and doing something that is borderline illegal (if he was in an accident and it came out that he was driving while knowing he was too tired, wearing flip flops, with one finger on the wheel, he could be prosecuted for dangerous driving and his insurance might be invalid) and guaranteed to make anyone with a fear of motorway driving be absolutely terrified. It's the equivalent of asking you to get something from a cupboard he knows there is a big spider in / refusing to move it / throwing it in your face. If he cared about your feelings he would drive safely.

Is he nasty about other areas of your life as well?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn Fri 19-Jun-20 08:36:43

I can’t believe he is only like this on the car.

Op, look at him with fresh eyes. What os he like as a partner and father? Equal parent? Equal partner?

snowybean Fri 19-Jun-20 08:37:08

I do some of the things he does when driving but I'm not a dick about it. This fella needs a clip round the ears.

Whatisthisfuckery Fri 19-Jun-20 08:37:11

Why would someone who is supposed to love you deliberately behave in a way that distresses and terrifies you?

The man is a vile piece of shit.

WaterOffADucksCrack Fri 19-Jun-20 08:37:36

Everyone else has said how bad his behaviour is.
My example of the car journey is typical. Why on earth would you put your children at risk by allowing them to get in a car with him?!

LorenzoVonMatterhorn Fri 19-Jun-20 08:37:46

He does this a lot of the time, doing things to put me on edge and make me scared.

He sounds abusive.

Jkslays Fri 19-Jun-20 08:38:56

A nine year old girl died in her fathers car after he crashed it wearing flip flops.

He really isn’t right in the head. He gets pleasure from pissing about on a motor way knowing full well what you’ve been through. He’s going to end up killing some one. What a dickhead

HumphreyCobblers Fri 19-Jun-20 08:40:07

So he enjoys your fear and puts your children at risk.

What a horrible man

wttaf Fri 19-Jun-20 08:40:19

It's funny that PP mentioned spiders as I am terrified of them. He will tell me that he just saw a massive spider and doesn't know where it went.
Whether he actually did or not I don't know.

Does he have any good qualities? I'm starting to wonder 😢

OP’s posts: |
arethereanyleftatall Fri 19-Jun-20 08:41:27

Mind, I've learnt something this morning. I had no idea you weren't allowed to drive in flip flops or bare feet. My exdh, South African, often does it, as do all his friends. They'll leave the house to go shopping often with no shoes.

pickingdaisies Fri 19-Jun-20 08:41:38

OP it's definitely not you, he's being deliberately cruel. And he's putting your family and others, at risk just to terrify you. I am scared for you and your children, because he doesn't care.

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