Aibu to make these 'threats'

[Livingmybestliferight]

Dd is just turned 16. She's been difficult recently. Has a group of friends who spend most nights smoking weed and drinking vodka. I have only found this out recently when dd has been partaking in the same. Normally we get on really well and she tells me lots of personal things and that is lovely that she feels like she trusts me.
However since lockdown has been relaxed slightly she's been meeting up with some of these mates and they've being partying on the street or gone back to an older friend of a friends house. I had to collect her the other week and she was in a right state. Drunk, stoned and crying and said how sorry she was. Begged me not to shout at her (which I didnt) and promised to not get like that again. Only several times since then she has gone and done the same but not as much. Last weekend she was up and out all night. I found out as she kept sneaking back into the house and out again. I've bollocked her, said she will lose all privileges, tried to reason with her and say how much this behaviour effects the whole family etc etc but tonight she's met a friend again and tried to spin me some bullshit that she's staying there but they arent drinking. I've said no you've to be back by 10 but I have no idea if she will.
So I've told her if she carries on like this she will not be able to continue to live here and upset everyone else (she has a younger sibling). She doesnt think I mean it. Tbh I'm at a loss. I'm pretty sure someone will say well dont let her go out then! But she wont comply unless she wants to. I tried in the past locking the doors and she climbed out of the window. She's a nightmare. Am I terrible for threatening to kick her out (her words not mine)

[Cfmcg900]

I know it doesn’t help your situation right now, but I was exactly the same at the at age as were most people I know. We grew out it in a few years - as in getting that messed up - she’ll be in bars at least in a couple of years or less.

I personally think unreasonable yes but I’ve said far far worse when I’ve been worried-angry

Perhaps approach it differently; teach her to pace herself (she’ll only have a better time and will remember her night!) not smoke weed and drink simultaneously etc. That it’s a condition she needs to stay in touch with you when she’s out, or the privilege of being out late will be revoked. These steps give her the freedom she’s trying to carve for herself, and gives you the peace of mind she’s being mindful and not passed out in a ditch somewhere.

Prohibition rarely works especially with teenagers, and honestly I’ve watched people go through their “rebellion” in their 20s, 30s, 40s and it’s much, much messier. I’m of the opinion we all go through it some way or another in life and that age is the most suitable. It’s not forever I promise!

[Livingmybestliferight]

Thank you. It's very hard. I have some friends telling me I can't let her get away with that behaviour and need to be firm or its goodbye. Then others say it's not a massive deal.

[Mumoblue]

I think you do need to make sure there are consequences, rather than just threats of them. If she knows you wont follow through she has no incentive to do what she's supposed to.

I know a few people who got moved to live with another family member because they couldn't get on at home- do you have an alternative place for her if you needed it?

I do think chucking someone out should be a last resort, but it can be a wake up call.

Still, just turned 16 is pretty young to be sneaking out and getting wasted. I'd be worried too, OP.

[ConnellWaldronsChain]

I agree with cfmcg900

It's not unusual for 16yo to behave like that

Keep guiding her and setting limits. Please don't throw her out.

[Merryoldgoat]

You can’t throw her out, that’s ridiculous. I was the same at 16. I’m an accountant now.

You need to have a proper talk with her when she’s sober and treat her like a young adult.

How does she get money? What chores does she do? Have boundaries and consequences but realistic ones.

[Browzingss]

Not sure how I feel

I was her age in 2012/3. We did the same thing, pretty much everyone drunk alcohol and some others did weed. We’re all respectable adults with degrees and careers now. My friend’s parents and mine weren’t staunchly against alcohol, they’d let us have a kooperberg occasionally or buy us some posh champagne on our 16th sort of thing

However us drinking was in the context of going “out out”, or to house parties at least. We weren’t drinking at each other’s houses multiple times a week for no real reason like your daughter. I think our parents would have gotten sick of us! Lockdown hasn’t been eased for long so it sounds like she’s there often? From your description she does sound a little wayward, but then again I wasn’t a teen during lockdown 🤷🏻‍♀️

My only worry is that she might be falling in with the wrong crowd. I’d want to know who was sourcing the weed and who these older friends are. It could easily be a situation where she’s hanging out with a bunch of lads that are older than her, whom do not have her best interests at heart and could take advantage of her.

[indemMUND]

Teach a 16 year old to pace herself? Not smoke weed and do drugs together? That's like enabling both. But separately. She's still a kid! Condoning it might encourage it.
I was caught up with this stuff when I was a similar age. I was in with what people would say is the wrong crowd. I tested boundaries. Parents were oblivious. I was lucky in that I had the good sense to watch my friends carefully as they escalated and I realised they were going too far and I didn't want to do what they were doing. I've recently read over the diaries I kept as a teenager. It's scary reading all these years later with a child of my own and the memory of my best friend at the time who got up to so much but died at the age of 25, when she was just getting her adult life in order. I avoided the path she took. Attending her funeral was a shock.
It's still a shock to think what a vibrant person she was and know that her life was over so fast. I'm older now than she will ever be.
Keep talking to your DD OP. Try your best to get through to her and maintain trust and honesty from both of your points of view. But also know that you do hold some real control at this age as a parent and act on it. When she hits 18 there's not much left you can do but kick her out and I hope things don't go that way.

[indemMUND]

*not drink alcohol and smoke weed together that should have read. Apologies.

[Cfmcg900]

Teach a 16 year old to pace herself? Not smoke weed and do drugs together? That's like enabling both. But separately. She's still a kid! Condoning it might encourage it.

When she hits 18 there's not much left you can do but kick her out and I hope things don't go that way

I honestly hope you’re trolling. In the same paragraph of advice you’ve both advocated clutching your pearls at a poor 16 year old pacing herself (!) and then making her homeless when she turns 18?!

I can assure you being made homeless as a teen is far, far shittier parenting than teaching a young adult not to get into a state when they drink or smoke.

[pigsDOfly]

I'm unsure, from your OP, if you are saying that you intend to throw her out or you are just threatening it.

Either way, stop saying it.

If you are making idle threats it's pointless, and she will know eventually your threats mean nothing.

If you are genuinely planning on throwing a 16 year old girls out on the street then I think you seriously need to think about your parenting, as that would be a very irresponsible, dangerous thing to do and will be helping no one. Least of all your DD.

Talk to her. Let her know you're worried about her, and where her behaviour might lead if she is too stoned or drunk to know what she's doing or what is happening to her.

Keep the lines of communication open.

My DCs are all adults now. The one that went off the rails was my son. He got through it and is a successful 42 year old, but I know when you're dealing with it it's hard. All you can do is just keep trying to get through to her.

[YouDirtyMare]

I always think this stage is the hardest part of parenting. Don't make empty threats. The first one you break, you've lost
It's really hard but you have to accept that this is part of growing up
I think the only rules we had was no taking pills (once they're swallowed there is no going back) & if good friend needed a bed /floor for the night it was fine
She has rung you to collect her. She trusts you.. You say what you have to say, she will promise to behave blah blah blah. She will come out the other side

[WowLucky]

That must be really hard OP.

Is it possible to get someone from school to speak to her? There are drugs counsellors doing very little atm, as they can't work in school, but they should be available by phone.

When mine were this age I often found that rebellious behaviour was them "asking" for more responsibility, so hard as it is, maybe step back and don't "rescue" her, let her sort out the issues she causes herself.

Maybe a conversation about how she's old enough to live her own life but she can't let it affect the younger children?