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To be annoyed, frustrated and exacerbated beyond description with my mother.

(15 Posts)
lucyellensmum Mon 24-Sep-07 15:27:56

Well yes, i know i am actually but OMG she is driving me up the fecking wall!!!

My mother is possibly the most generous person i know, she will do anything for anyone (providing you are not in her bad books - an easy place to get to!). She has bailed us out financially more times than i care to mention over the past few years and never accepts any returns.

BUT FFS, she is so blooody unreasonable!!

She is getting on and not in the best of health. She can become seriously ill quickly, its easy to fix but she needs to be hospitalised. So, this happens a few weeks back, i recognise the signs, pack her off to hospital, despite her protestations, just as well, crisis looming. So, shes fine, receives appropriate treatment, gets better, decides she doesnt want to be in hospital, wants to come home, can't actually stay in her bed as she has to sneak off for crafty fag or twenty. When the doctor comes to make assesment, thats right, shes not there, doctor doesnt make it back that day, we arrive in the evening (dp and i both suffering with terrible gastric flu and feeling like shit) to be greeted with her in an erupting rage about lack of doctors return and wanting to discharge herself against medical advice. Effing and blinding at the poor nurses, generally showing me up, i try and calm the situation, but it escalates to the point where i have to agree to bring her home. Her behaviour was atroucious, however it is partly down to her condition so i explain to the nurses, apologise profusely and take her home. Only for her to moan that her house wasn't tidied properly (never mind that i had spent the entire day cleaning up shit where she had accidents etc (she had gastric flu but couldnt get to toilet), walking her dog, feeding her bastard cats etc etc - despite having flu myself and a two year old dd). She gets into such a temper i have to leave, so end up worried all night that she is going to get sick again, no one to watch her. Next day, its as if nothing happened, nice as pie, no fucking apology though. DP takes MORE time off work to ferry her to and from doctor, he doesnt mind but she shoulc have been in hospital still.

So, that passes, shes back to her normal, ish, lovely self.

Then she gets into a temper over a fall out with her sister (she has managed to alienate her entire family and i am an only child so all the shite lands in my lap) and i have her ranting on the phone to me for hours on end repeating the same shit over and over. I can't offer a solution, there isnt one, so she accuses me of not caring, not believing her etc. Slams phone down - phew, at least i can now get on with my own life for fime minutes.

Today, she rings me in a spitting temper because i dared not to be in when she called and my mobile was on charge, she had a form to fill in from the council, it had to be done TODAY and how dare i just bugger off with DD, you know, to her baby music group which she loves! when she is trying to fucking ring me. I calm her down enough and say, dont worry bring the form round, i'll deal with it. I've dealt with it, its sorted, took me two minutes, i notice she had 21 days to sort it, not one!

I don't mind doing stuff for her, she has done loads for me, still does actually, i really really dont mind, but she is just impossible! You phone her and ask her if she wants anything from shops, or if she wants to be taken shopping, she says no, wont be persuaded, then tells people she gets no help.

What has really really pissed me off is this attitude over the phone calls, i cannot be home 24/7 just to listen to her moaning on. I have dd who has bad cold, i have a DP with whom i have a fucked relationship due to all the pressures we have been under as a family recently. My mother has definately not helped. Why can't she just bloody well grow up and realise that i cant just drop everything everytime she gets a bee in her bonnet. I do appreciate she is ill sometimes, i do know she is on her own and probably extremely lonely. My eldest DD more or less lives with her to keep half an eye on her (shes 17) but to be honest shes off with her mates etc and at college. She probably does miss my dad who died two years ago, i know i do. But she was the same with him, she made his life hell until the poor bastard finally went mad (alzheimers) and died, i can't help but resent this.

So now i am tempted to switch my bloody phone off and not answer the door and yes, i know im being ungrateful and unreasonable but my god, i only have so much bloody rope left.

appledumpling Mon 24-Sep-07 15:41:27

I have no magic solution - have come to the conclusion with my mother that it's just the way it is, smile and get on with it - but I wanted you to know someone had listened.

Hugs.

chinwag Mon 24-Sep-07 16:37:06

Breathe....breathe...

It can be SO infuriating, I know. Unfortunately though, you are unlikely to change her.

Do you have anyone in RL to talk to?

lucyellensmum Mon 24-Sep-07 16:50:46

thanks for the replies. I thought that would have kicked off with messages of shes your mother YABU, i know i sort of am, i just have alot on my plate right now and i could do with beting cut some slack.

StealthPolarBear Mon 24-Sep-07 16:58:15

hope you dont mind me asking, has she always been like this?

chenin Mon 24-Sep-07 17:07:18

I have to say, you sound like a very loving daughter bearing in mind the hell she seems to put you through! I am amazed... she does sound unreasonable TBH and I do think you need to spell out a few home truths to her.

Can you not sit her down, just explain to her that you are always there for her in an emergency but that you cannot be on the end of a phone willy nilly for endless moaning convos. You will have to be very very firm, by the sounds of it, but you sound such a lovely loving daughter I can't imagine you will upset her. There are weaker mortals than you who would have walked away IMO.

Are you enabling her to be a bit like this, by not putting your foot down?

FWIW, I have been through a similar situation with my mother (endless phone calls... 4 a day sometimes) I let it happen, and now wish I had laid down the ground rules a bit.. as it began to affect my life and my marriage. I was weak and let it happen.

Be strong!

Starbear Mon 24-Sep-07 17:08:01

Oh! My BIL paid for my Mum to go to Canada for 6 mths, when my Ds was born to visit my Brother. We were driving each other up the wall. She's lovely but bloody mad. The things I could say now could upset lots of people who don't know us. and I've got tea to do. But, I'm with you hold it together. (my family think I'm a real meany but, hay! ho!)

Vikkin Mon 24-Sep-07 17:16:27

Lucyellensmum - are you living some kind of mirror life to me? We seem to be dealing with exactly the same issues at the moment (I really enjoyed our outsider thread last week - first time in ages I've felt like an insider).
I am going through exactly this with my Dad at the moment. He won't stay in a hospital, won't have home-help, and sometimes it feels like he just won't help himself. What you don't have is 3 sisters who barely speak to each other or to me. 1 is a control freak, 1 is a lazy bitch and 1 is a silly cow. Is it any wonder they don't much like me?
I just struggle on cos I know my mum would want me to, cos I know I'll feel like shit when he goes, and cos I suppose I DO believe in looking after your own.

lucyellensmum Mon 24-Sep-07 17:26:33

thats the thing stealthpolarbear, she ALWAYS has, i have vivid memories of my dad telling me how , on their second date, she lay in the road kicking and screaming over his choice of cinema - she is basically a spoilt brat, so am i though blush

There is no sitting this woman down and talking to her, if i told you what she said she was going to do to her sister the other day you would be telling me to have her sectioned, eitehr that or you wouldnt believe me.

Vikkin, i have to admit, most of the time my mum doesnt need "care" in fact she is probably fitter than i am. She has a dog she happily walks three miles twice a day (poor basterds knackered!), but i do sympathise having to look after your dad, its so hard when they effectively become the children. My poor dad had alzheimers and it was the worse thing i ever had to witness, that poor man

Vikkin Mon 24-Sep-07 17:49:23

Well, according to the consultants he doesn't have Alzheimers. But he is becoming very frail and his short-term memory is atrocious. Quite funny sometimes. And, believe me, you gotta laugh.
I have become an expert juggler. Ain't nobody can multitask like Vikkin.
<stirs the carrots with her left foot, cleans the rabbit out with her right>

lucyellensmum Mon 24-Sep-07 18:03:37

Vikkin, push the consultants on this, there are medications that can significantly slow down the onset of dementia. My father didnt have alzheimers diagnosed, i just used it as a term for his dementia, which was caused more likely through thinned arteries. If your dad is showing early signs he really could benefit from these drugs which you will have to battle for as they are expensive, and it seems that our elderly, having paid taxes all their lives don't warrant the spend. Incidentally, as far as i am aware, it is impossible to make a concrete conclusion of diagnosis of alzheimers other than in post mortem, although things may have moved on sicne i looked into this. Get in touch with the azlheimers society if you are worried, they can offer you guidance and help. I had a terrible time with care homes for my father and social services were as useful as a chocolate tea pot, so be for armed with this as when you are in the middle of it trying to cope, its easy just to let things happen. You have to be like a pit bull with a bone im afraid. Hope ive not spoken out of turn but i always feel for people going through this.

StealthPolarBear Mon 24-Sep-07 19:40:28

Alzheimer's was my 1st thought this irrationality sounds just like my grandma ten years ago. Glad to hear she's always been like that

StealthPolarBear Mon 24-Sep-07 19:42:16

oh sh&t just reliased your father had dementia, so sorry for my insensitivity.
I think you're right, AFAIK there's no way to diagnose until post mortem, I think lewy body / vasc dementia are diagnosed if there are other symptoms otherwise it is classed as AD until proven otherwise?

lucyellensmum Mon 24-Sep-07 21:02:32

No problem stealth. And i agree with you re diagnosis. Although there are some genetics coming to the fore now that should, i imagine, be the basis for screening.

ally90 Mon 24-Sep-07 21:48:29

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=241761&stamp=070821141839

Not suggesting you do as most of us on thread have done ie separate from family. But will find similar stories to your own. Always good to know you are not the only person who's mother talks to you in this way.

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