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AIBU to be pissed of with my husband?

(94 Posts)
namechangedasscared Wed 17-Jun-20 12:49:37

My husband and I are both working full time from hone at present. We both work for the same company, and are in similar level jobs in different parts of the business. We have 3 school age children (8, 12 and 14).

Since we began WFH back in March, pretty much everything relating to helping the kids with school work has fallen to me. Not great as I think it should be shared, but this makes the kids happier too so I just crack on with it. The kids are reasonably good at getting on with their work, it's mainly our youngest that needs help.

Today I was on a really important meeting call for work. It was a planning meeting discussing next year's plans and targets etc. My husband was also on some sort of call, but of a considerably less important nature. On the call I suddenly heard a tie-curling scream from my middle son. He was in the room right next to the room where my husband was in. Obviously I immediately threw my headset off and dived through to find out what he'd done. He was lying on the floor screaming and clutching his leg. My husband was glaring at him through the conservatory door but had made no attempt to move.

So I helped our son (got him an ice pack, gave cuddles, checked for injury etc). But as I did do I felt myself getting really, really pissed off with my husband. He didn't even make an attempt to check he was ok. That alone is bad enough. But it was the realisation that he basically considers my career as being less important than his. Despite the fact I'm 12 years younger than him and have much more chance of progressing higher up the business than he does as he's nearing the end of his career. Over the course of the morning I also saw him take at least 2 breaks, but neither of those times did he bother to try to encourage our youngest son to get back to doing some work as he had stopped to go and play whilst he knew I couldn't do anything about it! He didn't even bother offering or getting my youngest a drink or snack (he can't reach and open the drink bottle himself) so our son had to interrupt me to ask for a drink etc.

Am I being unreasonable in being pissed off with my husband over this? I don't think I'm asking for much as I've taken on the majority of this responsibility and accepted that. But would it have killed him to at least shown some concern that maybe our son had seriously hurt himself with the way he screamed?

OP’s posts: |
SillyLittleBiscuit Wed 17-Jun-20 13:12:29

No, not unreasonable. Have you spoken about it?

UnfinishedSymphon Wed 17-Jun-20 13:21:08

Sounds like a lazy bastard who believes all childcare should be done by the woman, did he do his share pre-Covid? How about domestic chores, are they all your responsibility too?

namechangedasscared Wed 17-Jun-20 13:34:11

@SillyLittleBiscuit had a VERY quick 1 minute chat between meetings. He said that he thought he'd probably sort himself out...... and that he couldn't leave his call because it was a catch up with his work team and he'd missed one due to training earlier this week.

There's no point having a bigger conversation. He's an absolute arsehole who will always twist it around to be my fault. He will make out I'm getting upset over nothing, or he'll tell me to FOAD, etc.

I guess I wanted a neutral opinion over whether I should be pissed off (not of as my title said!) or whether I was overreacting because he normally acts like an arsehole.

OP’s posts: |
namechangedasscared Wed 17-Jun-20 13:39:40

@UnfinishedSymphon Generally speaking, I do pretty much everything with the kids. He will just sit and watch tv and yell at the kids to be quiet/go away so if I don't play with them they wouldn't have anyone.

Regarding chores, he does do some. But he always does a half job (eg unload the dishwasher but stack everything on the table. I will then put it all away when I find it). I'm constantly clearing all sorts of bits and bobs up. But then he will tell everyone (and I mean everyone - he even told the Tesco delivery driver as I was taking in to put away the online shop that I'd sorted and ordered that it would be nice if I were to help with the housework) that he does all the housework and that I do nothing. I do far from nothing I just don't feel the need to announce it every time I do something!

OP’s posts: |
FanSpamTastic Wed 17-Jun-20 13:56:48

YANBU - he is showing you his true colours. He is unlikely to change.

Question is - what do you want to do about it? Can you put up with this for the rest of your married life?

Blue5238 Wed 17-Jun-20 14:00:25

What positives does he bring to your life?

Jeezoh Wed 17-Jun-20 14:05:23

He’s designated you as the default parent and sounds frankly awful. If he’s incapable of change, I’d starting planning my (his!) exit from the marriage.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 Wed 17-Jun-20 14:16:26

Each time you post he sounds worse and worse to be honest

LouiseTrees Wed 17-Jun-20 14:32:45

Don’t do anything for him. Or half do something like wash his clothes but don’t dry them and then point out they’ll go smelly if he doesn’t dry them. He asks why you are doing half a job, you tell him. Also your kid came to you to ask for juice not your husband , so your kid now thinks this is all they can do. Next time ask them why they never asked dad when he’s closer. I mean still get the kid something but make them think. Your posts keep getting worse and worse!

notforonesecond Wed 17-Jun-20 14:33:10

I don’t understand why you’re still with him, he sounds horrible.

picklemewalnuts Wed 17-Jun-20 14:36:18

" you are useless to me and the children. You do not help them when they are injured, support them with their schooling, or me with my work. Give me a good reason why we should stay married?"

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches Wed 17-Jun-20 14:38:11

He sounds exactly like my ex husband.

DontTouchTheMoustache Wed 17-Jun-20 14:38:23

YANBU I just wouldn't put up with that, he sounds shit

Casino218 Wed 17-Jun-20 14:41:59

There are numerous articles circulating about this double load that women are having to bear currently.

You need a frank discussion because he's letting you carry this. Let's call out all the lazy arse husbands that consider their jobs so much more important than their wives.

MatildaTheCat Wed 17-Jun-20 14:43:39

He's an absolute arsehole who will always twist it around to be my fault. He will make out I'm getting upset over nothing, or he'll tell me to FOAD

If anyone said this to me I would probably never speak to them again. Why make an exception for the person who is supposed to love and value above all others?

I virtually never advise anyone to LTB but in your case I really do urge you to consider it.

glitterfarts Wed 17-Jun-20 14:43:55

Get rid of him. He sounds awful.

lockdownalli Wed 17-Jun-20 14:45:43

LTB

FlaskMaster Wed 17-Jun-20 14:48:09

He'd tell you to FOAD (please tell me that's not fuck off and die?!) for asking him to take some small fraction of his own share of parental responsibility? LTB.

Dh and I are both WFH too. We have a conversation every morning where we discuss what times we have meetings and which parent will be be the urgent child responder at any point in the day based on who's has the most formal meeting at that time (ie public/client meeting comes over staff meeting, a meeting with the CEO comes before a meeting with your staff/contractor etc). It's basic common sense and respect. His job level is senior to mine and he earns more money. This doesn't come into consideration of who does the childcare. We both need to keep our jobs, remain professional and look after the kids.

namechangedasscared Wed 17-Jun-20 14:48:34

Thank you all. We have been married for 16 years now, and most of it has been hell. I've been desperately unhappy but trapped (which I've posted about) for various reasons but ultimately I stay to protect my kids - he told me when I asked for a divorce that he was going to push for 50/50 custody of the kids..... the kids would hate this (all 3 absolutely hate him) and if I wasn't in the house with them, I couldn't protect them from his awful attitude. He's not physical, but he doesn't show them love or kindness. He yells all the time and focuses only on the negatives. If I could afford to leave and hire a decent solicitor to make damn certain he didn't get them for that sort of length of time I'd do it. So I'm having to bide my time until the kids are definitely mature enough to be classed as Gillick competent in making their own decisions around where they live. I know for a fact he doesn't give a shit about having them with him - the only reason he said it is to hurt me, punish me and to make it look like he's a loving parent to the rest of the world.

So I know he's not a good guy. But I wasn't sure if I was letting everything else cloud my judgment on his actions today.

Regarding my son who asked me for the drink, he's terrified of his dad. He avoids him at all costs and he does his school work in the room I work in, so it does make sense that he asked me - my issue is more around the fact my husband came out to make himself a drink etc but didn't look at the empty glass and think to ask if he wanted a drink too! My youngest is a real "Mummy's boy" anyway, so he will always pick me/ask for me etc, which I know makes my husband really angry too (jealous I think) but given my youngest was a massive daddy's boy until about 2 years old (he would run straight past me with outstretched arms when picking him up from the childminder shouting "Daddy" and running to him first etc) it shows how much of an asshole he is that it's completely the opposite now.

All 3 of my kids have said at some point in their lives (and multiple times) that they wished their dad was dead, or that he lived in a different house and things like that. It breaks my heart that I can't get away from him but with debts and no savings and him refusing to leave the house and also refusing to accept the 2 valuations I had done to put the house on the market when I found somewhere I could just about afford to buy for me and the boys there is so little I can do. I have even preyed that he would start beating me because then I can get legal intervention and I'd have evidence! That's how desperate it's been. But he's clever and everything has only ever been verbal/psychological.

OP’s posts: |
Angelonia Wed 17-Jun-20 14:49:33

YANBU at all.

Megatron Wed 17-Jun-20 14:50:45

He's an absolute arsehole who will always twist it around to be my fault. He will make out I'm getting upset over nothing, or he'll tell me to FOAD

Um ... why are you with him?

Wither Wed 17-Jun-20 14:52:13

But he won’t actually want 50/50, it’s something to scare you with so you won’t leave.

MuminMama Wed 17-Jun-20 14:53:46

That's so sad. Do you ever think he wouldn't really go through with trying to get custody, as he obviously doesn't like the kids much?

ButterflyBitch Wed 17-Jun-20 14:55:12

So your kids hate him and don’t want to be near him yet you won’t leave him? If he’s that shit a dad then his threat to go for 50:50 is probably just that, a threat. Designed to keep you on line. I’d bet if you left him that he wouldn’t bother at all. He’d actually have to something for them if he had them 50 percent of the time

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