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Am I being unreasonable?(13 Posts)
Am I being unreasonable?
I’m 8 months pregnant & my mother in law won’t accept that we don’t want ours, and our future daughters life posted all over her social media.
My partner is a police officer and I'm work for the NHS with vulnerable members of society so we chose to keep our online presence private.
After discussing this with her things have turned very sour and she’s getting very toxic & manipulative. She says she understands an will keep our business private then goes back on her word almost instantly. E.g posting my baby scan with my details on her Facebook when I was 6 weeks pregnant in hospital, unsure what was happening with my unborn baby.
Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any reasoning with her rationally, as she says she understands and will respect our wishes and then within days she's either complaining that she can't put her 'news' online or that she can't have things her own way and doing what she wants anyway.
She's taken to now writing nasty status' and uploading subliminal messages via quotes on Facebook aiming them at her son and myself.
She constantly rings up or texts every weekend during lockdown accusing us of 'ruining her life' & making it 'unbearable'. Turning our weekends into a time we dread instead of a time we should be enjoying just us two before our little girl arrives!
She has a history of mental health but doesn't seem to have it under control at the moment, she has always caused problems with so many members of the family, but unfortunately as she hasn't ever been challenged or pulled up on her behaviour because her husband and children have just ignored or left her to behave how she likes for so long she thinks it's acceptable.
My partner has really tried to reason with her on many occasions but she doesn't seem to have the ability to see she's making situations worse.
She’s now upsetting my partner (her son) to the point it’s affected his job and He’s being offered therapy through work because of problems she’s continuously causing.
This is my parents 1st grandchild and they understand how we want to raise our child and are happy to abide by the rules we put in place. And there's no problems.
But his parents have around 10 grandchildren between them and see none of them for various reasons put in place by their parents! (one grandchild was only born in November!)
I'm beginning to understand why this may be the case and feel as though I'm being pushed in a similar direction as she is very manipulative and can turn very nasty very quickly for no reason, I don't feel comfortable having my child around that kind of behaviour. Especially when she's making her own son feel the way she is.
I've had an awful pregnancy from the very beginning and isolation has really taken its toll on both me an my family, as I've not been able to experience 'normal' things.
Maternity appointments have been cancelled, I've been unable to shop for nursery or baby items, no ones felt kicks expect my partner, & I've not been able to have a baby shower or get together with friends and family or even just have a hug if my mum!
of course she knows all this but I just don't feel I can forgive her making this experience worse than it needed to be & adding so much unnecessary stress each week.
Am I being unreasonable for not wanting a relationship with her?
I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm going to have to put my foot down and try stop my partner having contact with her as she's really beginning to affect him & his job, plus I don't want my child around someone with this sort of behaviour.
I just feel our relationship with her is past the point of being repairable.
YANBU and I don't think you really have any choice but to start distancing yourself from her, and limiting what you share with her
Really sorry you've been through all this and you're not being unreasonable at all. This is your baby and you and your partner maybe need to think how much info you share with her about the baby and also about your own lives
If she can’t stop putting things online then she doesn’t get sent pics etc as she can’t be trusted simple as that!
If she phones to give you grief say it’s not up for discussion and goodbye. I think a period of no contact would do you good.
Stop giving/sending her any updates on anything, and block her wherever you can. Just drop the rope.
Seriously just put a laughing face on all her passive aggressive Facebook memes.
If she gives grief on the phone say I am not discussing this and am hanging up now until she gets the message.
Or go completely non contact.
"Am I being unreasonable for not wanting a relationship with her?"
YANBU. You can cease to have a relationship with anyone you choose.
"I'm getting to the point where I feel I'm going to have to put my foot down and try stop my partner having contact with her as she's really beginning to affect him & his job"
Put your foot down? Whoa! YABU. Your partner is an adult and it is up to him whether he sees his mum.
I think you need to stop including her in your social media group. Don't get rid of her but set up a new group without her in it and just post baby-related things in the new group.
I'm not sure I understand something though - what reason does she give for why you are ruining her life and making it unbearable? Is this behaviour as a result of her mental illness? What diagnosis does she have? Is there anything your partner could do to get help so that his mum's illness is under control?
Distance yourself from her and stop sharing anything much with her if you really don't have to. It sounds as though she really cannot be trusted so social media brings out the worst in her.
You might have more trouble getting your partner to do the same as she is his mother and he has to make that decision himself, but you can make your feelings plain.
When I said put my foot down I don't mean in a way of taking control away from him.. I meant in regards to not being able to stand back and see him upset and hurt by the same situation over and over again when he's expressed his feelings to her and she doesn't listen. And no longer say anything.
She cannot give any reasons for us 'ruining her life' when challenged as it's just ways of her manipulating the situation and making herself the victim.
We haven't spoken to her for a number of months except her contacting us to complain that she cannot have things her way.
In regards to her mental health she has depression and anxiety, my partner has offered many times to help or to see if there's things he can do to make things easier but as she doesn't take her medication she has been prescribed she doesn't think she has a problem.
And she doesn't have either of us on an social media as it was becoming a daily thing her posting malicious things and was beginning to just cause more stress - were aware she's still posting as family members are contacting us asking what's gone on most days.
Oh god OP that sounds awful. YANBU to want to withdraw contact from her and I'd do exactly the same in your situation.
She doesn't see her other (aprox) grandchildren
What was the relationship like pre pregnancy?
* (aprox) 10 grandchildren.
how can she have an approximate number of grandkids and why does she see NONE of them?
She can only put online images you give to her, you know this.
If you haven't spoken to her for months, how is this an issue?
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