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My partner does all the night feeds

(44 Posts)
VodkaCranberry2 Mon 15-Jun-20 21:51:17

I’m feeling bad and worried that my partner will end up resenting me because he has done all of the night feeds since my baby was born nearly 10 weeks ago. He said he won’t but I still feel worried. Our baby is bottle fed, and after I came home from hospital I was put on a new medication that is extremely sedating (olanzapine) because I developed very bad OCD which even with the medication is awful. I’ve tried every other anti-psychotic as I also have bipolar disorder and none worked for me. I’m also on other meds for that. Because of its sedating effect, I take it at night and it completely knocks me out, and so my partner wakes up to feed our baby. I then have trouble waking up in the morning. I feel shit because I know it’s my job to do the night feeds. I’m on a waiting list for CBT but I don’t know how long it will take, out of desperation I spoke to a specialist OCD therapist but it costs too much per session and I can’t afford it. My medication is my only saving grace right now as even on it my thoughts are awful and I am very distressed and anxious all the time. I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to keep making him get a shit nights sleep while I’m knocked out. Am I being a shitty partner/mum?

OP’s posts: |
understandmenow Mon 15-Jun-20 21:53:43

No you're neither a shitty partner or mum, you and your DP are dealing with this fabulously.

A proper partnership.

It's lovely to read thanks

Smurfy23 Mon 15-Jun-20 22:00:37

Yabu for worrying so much about it op

Its not your fault youre passed out, its one of those things. Night feeds arent "your" job- they are a job that needsto be done. You cant do it si your partner is. Im sure you do plenty of parenting in the day so stop worrying and feeling bad.

onedayinthefuture Mon 15-Jun-20 22:02:25

Please don't feel guilty, you have a whole lifetime of parenting ahead. Night feeds won't be forever.

Dixiechickonhols Mon 15-Jun-20 22:02:29

You are ill. Be kind to yourself.

Winterwoollies Mon 15-Jun-20 22:09:45

He sounds like a very supportive partner. He’s looking after you and your baby. You’ll both be a wonderful partnership to parent your baby. Appreciate your partner and enjoy your baby.

Embracelife Mon 15-Jun-20 22:15:52

It s not your job to do when you ill and asleep. It s anyone who is there for the baby. Your partner is the best person to do it he is the baby s parent and is awake.
Dont think any more.
When you better you can share night feeds equally.

Seasiderabbit Mon 15-Jun-20 22:17:17

You are definitely not being a shitty mum. You carried the baby for 9 months. You gave birth. Well done! It is thoughtful of you to worry about his sleep, but you need to look after yourself. Concentrate on getting better.

My partner did all the night feeds for both our babies and I was well. I never thought it was my job. We shared it. He did the nights and I did the days. We negotiated that before we started to try for a baby. No way was I getting up in the night to feed a baby! I don't feel guilty at all. He didn't and doesn't resent me.

Get well soon x

RyanStartedTheFire Mon 15-Jun-20 22:18:24

My DH 'does' night wakings and I'm not on medication that knocks me out so if you're unreasonable I'm a real ass grin
We split the load elsewhere as I'm sure you both will when you're on your feet. It's a partnership and you're both in this together.

ratethesenames Mon 15-Jun-20 22:19:48

Why is it your job? Your DH is doing his job of supporting his wife through illness and looking after his child. He sounds lovely but I wouldn't feel bad.
I doubt many men feel bad about their wife doing all of the night feeds.
If he's very tired can he nap during the day at all? Can you shoulder more of the housework / cooking responsibly to support him?
Don't feel bad though.

2coffeesinbed Mon 15-Jun-20 22:21:12

Shitty mums don’t worry about being shitty mums.

I went through similar and DH did the night feeds. All is well here smile

You’re doing a good job @VodkaCranberry2. flowers your DH sounds really supportive.

ratethesenames Mon 15-Jun-20 22:21:28

Do you have any family support? Someone who could come to stay a couple of nights a week to help?

Wewearpinkonwednesdays Mon 15-Jun-20 22:23:05

It's not your job to do night feeds. Plenty of women do all night feeds and no one thinks anything of it.
Stop feeling bad about something that's not your fault.

deenar Mon 15-Jun-20 22:25:51

Just moral support.
I had to stop Olanzapine as it knocked me out so bad I would sit in the shower in the morning nodding off again.

Minniem2020 Mon 15-Jun-20 22:26:06

Don't feel bad at all op, you sound lovely as does your dp. Your little one is lucky to have you both.
My ds was a terrible sleeper until 22 months and still wakes up a few nights now at 27 months. Im the 1 that did all these night shifts & I'm pretty sure my DP doesn't feel bad about itgrin

Vodkacranberryplease Mon 15-Jun-20 22:27:32

I'm almost certain this is what my friend who has bipolar is on. She sleeps through everything but it has kept her going for several years now. You do what you have to do.

Your partner is lovely. Make it up to him, and appreciate him. I'm sure he could grab a nap on the weekend and you can do things to make his morning faster/smoother.

Don't feel guilty. Feel grateful you have a medication that works, are getting enough sleep (no sleep is mentally a real problem) and have a wonderful partner.

Vodkacranberryplease Mon 15-Jun-20 22:30:18

Oooo hang the fuck on!!!! You have my name OP! Or have I got yours?? You might want to change it as I may Have made a few teeny comments people don't agree with 😁.

ratethesenames Mon 15-Jun-20 22:33:53

I don't know how your medication works but could you take it earlier in the evening, go to bed earlier then you might be a bit brighter in the morning?
Maybe it wouldn't work like that.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras Mon 15-Jun-20 22:34:40

Is your partner working? If he is, and is struggling with tiredness, is there anyone that could give him a break for one or two nights a week? It must be very tough doing every feed, every night without any break at all, and then have to work too.

However, you aren't a bad mum op. Just maybe your partner could do with a bit of help.

Justlovedogs Mon 15-Jun-20 22:36:14

Don't feel guilty, OP. I am youngest of three sisters, ages 65, 59 and 48. My mum told me that our dad did the night feeds for all three of us, even all those years ago. After 62 years of marriage when he sadly died, he never resented any of it. I believe he also did his share of nappy changing; quite a rarity in those days! Please be happy you have a partner that is willing to share the responsibility of your child. flowers

indemMUND Mon 15-Jun-20 22:37:04

You carried and gave birth to the baby. He's doing his bit now. Don't feel guilty at all.

gutentag1 Mon 15-Jun-20 22:39:58

It's not your job to do the night feeds, you and your DP are a team and as long as the baby is cared for you must prioritise your mental health.

SideEyeing Mon 15-Jun-20 22:41:10

You are not less of a mum for not doing the night feeds. You're someone who is responsible enough to take medication that for the time being ensures they are able to stay well and keep their babies warm, fed and safe. You're doing exactly the right thing and if you were posting here saying you were suffering from a debilitating illness but refusing the medication because of an idea about what jobs you "should" be doing THEN you would be silly and unreasonable.

Enjoy your lovely baby and don't give it another thought.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 15-Jun-20 22:41:48

I did all the night feeds, still do. My DH is a brilliant dad! Your partner does your baby’s night feeds, you do the day shift, I’m sure you’re a great mum.

Can your partner have lie ins at weekends or afternoon naps if he’s getting very broken sleep?

Team work is what gets people through. I do night feeds which I’ve always quite enjoyed and I loathe mornings. DH needs less sleep than I do so I get to go back to sleep and he does her breakfast and manic morning playing a couple of days a week. Works for us.

Tash6000 Mon 15-Jun-20 22:41:48

I'm sure your partner would happily take on the night feeds to see you feeling well in yourself. It is a partnership after all and you support the other in the ways that are needed, and he sounds like he is doing exactly this

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