To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

[Angelonia]

Well I guess you will be a step grandmother rather than a grandmother. But is that really so different??

[nokidshere]

He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children).

You don't have to be anything you don't want to be but this sounds a bit mean really. Being a grandparent to this baby won't make any children your children might have any less special. And then they might not even have children and you will have missed out on being a grandparent at all.

[SaladSauce]

My grandad re married when my grandma died and I call her my step gran to people and call her by her first name, because I met her at 11 but she is not my grandma or nan.

so I see your point.

[Notanan]

I don't get what's so shocking.. I don't want to be a Nan to my Sd's baby I just want to be known by my name 🤷‍♀️ The baby will have 4 grandparents.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Think you are way over thinking this and tbh if I was your husband I’d be upset with you splitting hairs over a name. So what if a baby has two nans on one side- everyone knows you aren’t a blood relation, of course it will be more “special” when your daughters have children- having to continually remind people seems unnecessary and a bit nasty, especially when your husband is excited.

[HappyHammy]

what would you prefer to be known as, just your name or nanny Notanan? You should feel happy and proud that there is a little baby on the way.

[ivfgottostaypositive]

Yes YABU

Surely this had crossed your mind before now when you married and had a family with a man older than you with adult children????

[Thisismytimetoshine]

@Notanan

I don't get what's so shocking.. I don't want to be a Nan to my Sd's baby I just want to be known by my name 🤷‍♀️ The baby will have 4 grandparents.

No, unfortunately you really don't get it, do you? Does your husband "get it", or have you shared your thoughts with him?

[DanniArthur]

Imo you are being unreasonable! When you marry someone with children then they become part of your family. So if you are a stepmother then you will be a step grandmother/ nan. You dont need to knit or be a stereotypical nan but you should be pleased she wants you to be a part of the baby's life! Remember her baby with be your children's niece or nephew.

[NannyPear]

My dad's wife said the same when I was pregnant and she was 39. Don't worry, with an attitude like that your SD will make sure you don't get the privilege of being called nan.

Seriously don't get why women marry older men with older kids and act like this.

[Angelonia]

If your DH's children had been younger when you got together would you have refuses to be their step mum?

[Notanan]

I've told him I don't want to be a Nan I'm happy to be known as my name. He said I have to be a Nan because I am married to him and he is going to be a grandad.

[MissConductUS]

This is not the kind of thing you can opt out of. Perhaps it's better to focus on supporting your stepdaughter than the impact on your ego.

[PinkSkyBlue]

Hmm..this can't be real?
If it is, then you aren't a very nice person tbh.

[GAW19]

Tbh, I think you sound horrid. My dad became a grandad at the age of 40.
My stepdad calls my daughter his grandaughter and she calls him grandad. He has been with my mum for 20 years.
I would never expect otherwise.
You are basically saying that your children are more important than DH children and that's not very nice

[bubbleup]

Ffs. Get a grip. Talk about being awkward.

[TwoZeroTwoZero]

I am so glad my lovely, late step-dad didn't have this attitude towards my children. I already felt "different" or "other" because I had a different dad and a different surname so for him to have showed an attitude like yours would have been heartbreaking for me.

[Canyousewcushions]

YABVVVVVVU. Surely you're excited to be a step grandmother to a child whose mother you've known since she was a young teenager (or poss even longer). I could understand it a little bit if you'd only met his DD as an adult and your relationship was only fairly new still, but you sound really self centred here.

And whatever you do, you can't treat your step grandchildren any differently from how you'd treat your biological grandchildren unless you want to cause mass resentment and jealousy between your DH's grandchildren.

Be nice and celebrate becoming a nanny!!

[Dogsorlogs]

My parents are both remarried, I would be so hurt if their DH/DW didn't feel like my children were their grandkids, they treat them exactly the same as their bio grandkids. This may damage your relationship with DH and SD

[dicksplash]

At age 40 (just a little younger than me) I can understand you not wanting to be be a grandparent yet. However, usually the upset is when a step parent isn't being recognised by given a grandparent name so this is weird you are upset you are!

If you feel this strongly I would focus on your age, just be clear that at 40 and your oldest being only 10 you really don't feel comfortable being called gran/nan or anything else. Please don't tell your step daughter you won't think of any children being a grandchild until your own children have them as that would be very hurtful.