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Do I leave or do I stay?

(50 Posts)
Buythehouseornot Mon 15-Jun-20 16:29:30

Hello I'm hoping for a bit of other people's perspective on this situation. I've name changed as I'm a regular poster and I don't want any of my previous posts to have a reflection on this question.

I'll try and make it as drip feed free as possible. DH and I married, no kids of our own, he has two children to his former marriage. I'll be honest I've struggled with the situation. I've never been with a man with kids before and it's not easy. I tried hard I really did but the relationship has taken a bashing to be blunt. His children are now young adults and although he seems them both fairly regularly I have virtually no interaction with them at all. I do my own thing. They're very welcome at our home, they spend loads of time with dad, but they don't want me around and I'm happy to do other things. Lockdown has been very tough but that's temporary and we can deal with it.

The kids are in no way disadvantaged or treated badly.

DH can get very angry with me when he doesn't get things exactly his own way. So to avoid confrontation I rarely object to any of his plans which rarely involve me. In normal times he spends lots of time with friends and his children doing exactly what they all want to do. I'm being deliberately vague, but his plans don't involve me most of the time. I spend a lot of time alone, which I mostly enjoy.

So I've been saving hard, didn't really know what for when I started, sub conscious I think. I've reached a stage where I have enough for a house deposit of my own. I earn enough to get a small mortgage and could easily afford a small two bed property in our home town.

I'm not happy, but I'm not desperately in need to leave him. Financially I'm comfortable at the moment, saving most of what I earn, if I was to buy my own place that would change and I wouldn't be able to save much but I would have my own home.

What would you do? Would you leave a marriage that is far from perfect but isn't horrible. Would you leave a financially secure life for a less than comfortable one?

Thanks for reading.

OP’s posts: |
Windyatthebeach Mon 15-Jun-20 16:31:59

Being way down in my dh's list of priorities would def not suit me. Be careful he doesn't find your savings.
Yanbu to put you first and leave the nasty buggars to it..

ComfyCosyGood Mon 15-Jun-20 16:33:59

I'm poor as poor can be but happier on my own than I ever was with my ex who was draining. As I was used to being alone it didn't feel like much of a change in that way but I felt lighter and free. So I would leave, life is too short. If I'd stayed I'd have a nice home with carpet and decorated walls. As it is I have concrete floors and the house looks awful. But it's my house, without a soul sucker as a partner.

Buythehouseornot Mon 15-Jun-20 16:39:26

Thank you so much, they give me real hope. I know I'd be happy on my own and the little house I've seen would be perfect.

He and his kids are quite mean but he's a bit of a master of making it out to all be my fault, regardless of the situation it's always entirely my fault.

OP’s posts: |
Vodkacranberryplease Mon 15-Jun-20 16:39:37

I would leave in my own sweet time in a way that suited me with no consideration for him whatsoever.

I'd start a pre leaving plan getting my social networks together in the home town (a few visits maybe), and would be working out every possible way to make enough money on my own so it wasn't a struggle - which might involve a part time internship (pre career change), training, a second job etc. I'd say to myself life is just too short and give myself 3 months.

You have spare time, a place to live, and him not paying any attention to you so ample opportunity.

Why the fuck would you stay? Equally you hardly need to run out into the night with nothing. A no brainer for me.

Want2beme Mon 15-Jun-20 16:41:56

By his actions, he's telling you that you're not wanted. DSC don't want you to be in your own home when they're there and he doesn't object to that? He doesn't include you in his plans to meet with friends. That must really hurt.

I'd get advice from a solicitor re buying a place on your own, just to clarify if DH will have any claim on it.

Starlight39 Mon 15-Jun-20 16:45:10

In your situation, yes I'd leave. It doesn't sound like it'll get any better. He sounds really nasty with his anger and twisting it to be all your fault. Even if you feel like you can deal with it and you're OK now, it must be chipping away at you. Leave now (well, when you've got everything together) before it starts seriously affecting you.

Nat6999 Mon 15-Jun-20 16:47:25

I would start saving up some money to leave.

Vodkacranberryplease Mon 15-Jun-20 16:49:44

And by the way there's loads you can do to make money and to save money if you've got some free time and a car.
There's a thread on here re free cycle - it's amazing what people give away. Especially if they think it's going to a good home! There were other sites too.

Then as a short term measure there's babysitting, dog sitting/walking. Admin work part time. Advertising admin etc on fiverr. If you're crafty there's selling stuff you've made. Car boot sales and selling on eBay. All hard work (except the first one) but not completely horrible or humiliating.

It's got to be better than having the life sucked out of you as Comfy says.

And next time you see his horrible children you will be able to give them a big smile knowing you are about to be free grin

Home42 Mon 15-Jun-20 16:51:42

I left. It wasn’t a terrible marriage but it wasn’t happy and exH didn’t make any effort to keep me. Much happier alone!!

UnfinishedSymphon Mon 15-Jun-20 16:52:01

They are mean to you in your own home? Cheeky bastards, what are they doing?

MaryLennoxsScowl Mon 15-Jun-20 16:52:18

Yes, I’d leave. What is there to stay for with a mean partner who doesn’t count you in to social situations and gets angry? Imagine the fun of making all your own decisions and the freedom to meet someone else!

Vodkacranberryplease Mon 15-Jun-20 16:52:29

Oh and you are married. So may have a small claim. Even if it's just getting comfortable money don't leave with nothing. He's put you through enough that you shouldn't have to do that. Do a free hour with a solicitor and see what they say.

Buythehouseornot Mon 15-Jun-20 16:59:56

He's got a lot more to lose than I have. If he made a claim on my little house I could make a much bigger claim on him but I'm really not interested in that and would only do it if he made life difficult.

When I say they're mean, they just have their own little secret circle. Conversations behind closed doors together, conversations stopped with I walk in the room, when I walk into a room they walk out. All very minor but when it goes on for years and years it tends to wear you down.

Plans are made between them, if I ask what's happening say on Sunday, I'll be told well me and DSS's are going to our nearest big town for a bit of shopping and a burger. You can come if you really want to. It's minor but all a bit passive aggressive and hurts over time.

OP’s posts: |
Cherrysoup Mon 15-Jun-20 17:02:33

Omg, get yourself out of there! It sounds horrible, they’re treating you not even as an afterthought!

Aquamarine1029 Mon 15-Jun-20 17:07:44

Set yourself free from this shit marriage, because all you'll be left with is a lifetime of regret if you don't. I'd help you pack if I could.

Shoxfordian Mon 15-Jun-20 17:08:00

You're living half a life with him
Don't carry on being miserable

Boom45 Mon 15-Jun-20 17:08:49

Go. There is no need to stay with someone who doesnt make you happy and there is certainly no need to stay with someone who gets so angry when he doesnt get his own way that you just agree to everything. Make yourself happy and leave when you are good and ready x

Buythehouseornot Mon 15-Jun-20 17:09:35

Thank you all so much, what a lovely supportive forum this can be. I've made a telephone appt with a mortgage advisor. Fingers crossed.

OP’s posts: |
Vodkacranberryplease Mon 15-Jun-20 17:16:10

It's awful. And it's not your fault. And you've saved money and that's good. But if you were not with him would you now have a stake in another property? Because you are starting again.

Would you be better off financially if you hadnt met him? Would he be better or worse off if he hadnt met you? Have you added absolutely no value to his life in that time?

If you have been rent free have you been doing all the housework etc? Because that's usually not something you can just pay someone for with rent on it's own.

Just enough so you are not struggling and don't feel like a total mug. It's the principle. £10-20k probably, or more if appropriate. But not nothing. That's just not right.

Vodkacranberryplease Mon 15-Jun-20 17:19:48

This is the thread.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3938874-Moving-to-new-house-with-nothing

Oilyoilyoilgob Mon 15-Jun-20 17:21:17

Aw that sounds horrible, conversations behind closed doors and stopping talking when you walk in. That’s just really a bad way to have to live in your own home.

Sounds cheesy but I live by ‘tomorrow is not promised’ so I’m your situation I’d just want to be happy and content-and leave them to it.

Good luck!

IdblowJonSnow Mon 15-Jun-20 17:28:41

Leave. You're in a really good position. Go for it OP!

billy1966 Mon 15-Jun-20 17:32:28

Well he sounds like a class A prick and will be absolutely no loss to your life.

Definitely get yourself sorted but do not leave yourself short if you are entitled to more.

You deserve every penny.

He sounds horrible.

Wishing you a very happy future.flowers

justthecat Mon 15-Jun-20 17:37:01

Nice to hear you’re already planning for your new future, goodluck 💐

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