Talk

Advanced search

Marking what should have been our wedding day...

(30 Posts)
JorisBonson Mon 15-Jun-20 09:31:39

DP and I were due to get married next weekend, obviously not happening now. I'm surprisingly ok about it but know I'm going to feel a bit blue come the actual day.

I kept the booked weekend off work and asked DP if he'd plan something, even if it's just something in the house (for context, I plan 95% of what we do, have had his birthday in lockdown, done theme days in the garden which sounds shit but was a good laugh).

Yesterday he got the right arse about having to plan something, as he hoped a restaurant we like would be open so we could go there. He suggested we would got for a walk - I fucking hate going for walks. He proceeded to take saying we would just get a takeaway, when I countered that I'd tried to make lockdown easier with fun things and managed to give him a pretty good birthday, he moaned that he's not good at stuff like that. So I left it there 🙄

WIBU to tell him to fuck off and spend the day drinking prosecco in my best friends garden, seeing as he obviously doesn't give a flying fuck?

(Can you tell I've woken up in a bad mood about this?)

OP’s posts: |
OhioOhioOhio Mon 15-Jun-20 09:33:09

I'm just divorced from a bastard so am by far the wrong person to ask but spending that day fighting is a really shit idea. Totally see why you are annoyed though.

Pumpertrumper Mon 15-Jun-20 09:37:45

YANBU but there’s not a single relationship I personally know where the Male would be good/enthusiastic about this.

It’s just been my wedding anniversary and I was in bed for it, trying to feed a 3 month old through a shit case of mastitis. DH ordered me flowers and a special card. I thought I was delirious!!

elessar Mon 15-Jun-20 09:40:17

Hmmm, although I can understand where you're coming from, I also think you're being a bit unreasonable.

Your wedding date would have been a joint occasion, so why should he be the one to plan something?

And by the sounds of it, you've shot down both his suggestions as not good enough, without suggesting any alternatives.

Yes in all honesty he does sound a bit feeble and it's a shame that you've put more effort into organising things than he has - equally though some people are genuinely 'better' at stuff like this than others. If you can think of some nice ways to mark the occasion, why not suggest them, and ask him to help with organising it?

I think if you strop off to your friend's house then I think you'll just feel even worse. Supposedly you want to marry this man, so I really think you need to have better conflict resolution than this.

lubeybooby Mon 15-Jun-20 09:41:20

you seem pretty determined to be in a mood about it and I don't think you're being fair to him. He's tried and admitted he's not good at coming up with stuff, plus so many places are still locked down I really don't know why you're expecting some miracle and fun answer

edwinbear Mon 15-Jun-20 09:44:10

I think YABU. he may also be feeling a bit sad about it and probably doesn't particularly want to celebrate his 'non wedding day'.

Lynda07 Mon 15-Jun-20 09:44:38

I thought people could still get married, only quietly.

You could have done that - can still do it probably - and have the big 'do' later.

No point in being in a hump about it. He's probably just as disappointed as you, it was going to be his wedding day too. It's up to both of you to plan something nice if you feel it is necessary. Or else phone the Registrar and book yourselves in one day soon.

Turkeydrumstick Mon 15-Jun-20 09:45:18

Can’t you plan something together? We are getting married next year and for our preanniversary (cheesy I know!) we are buying in ‘fancy’ drinks to make cocktails and having a bar crawl around the house- different music and theme for each room. Could you do something like that and him choose a couple of themes?

ChangeThePassword Mon 15-Jun-20 09:46:01

So - it was your idea to do something, but you have given him the responsibility for sorting it.

Anything he suggests you don't want to do.

You clearly enjoy planning stuff. It's clearly not his thing.

I'm sure he'd be happy if you went to drink prosecco with your friends rather than being a grumpy sod in his company. So yeah, do it.

ineedaholidaynow Mon 15-Jun-20 09:51:23

I think weddings are still not allowed in England @Lynda07

JorisBonson Mon 15-Jun-20 09:51:31

@Lynda07 we could have got married but without our families there, which would have caused a whole load of issues.

I know I'm being a miserable fucker about it, I know that it's just a day and if I want to do something I should take control but, it would be nice for him to take some initiative for once.

But yes, I need some sort of kick up the arse so I don't spend the next 2 weeks moping.

OP’s posts: |
JorisBonson Mon 15-Jun-20 09:54:09

Oh, I didn't realise you actually can't get married at all! I thought you could with 2 witnesses. Learn something new every day.

OP’s posts: |
RedRed9 Mon 15-Jun-20 09:54:51

I thought people could still get married, only quietly.

Nope. Even the smallest possible number outside a registry office hasn’t been an option.

We’ve been trying to get married throughout lockdown. We just wanted the bloody paperwork done! It’s been allowed in exceptional circumstances only.

ChangeThePassword Mon 15-Jun-20 09:55:19

it would be nice for him to take some initiative for once

It looks like that's not who he is though. And you can't force him to be that person. It's good that your see that now, so you can decide before you get married whther that's something you are going to be able to accept.

RedRed9 Mon 15-Jun-20 09:56:25

The things is @JorisBonson you can’t just decide that it’s suddenly solely his job to plan a nice day for you both. That’s hardly in the spirit of weddings!

How about you both plan something nice for each other?

GrannyBags Mon 15-Jun-20 09:57:56

@Lynda07
You can not get married in Church at the moment, I’m not sure about registry offices.
OP - most men would fail to plan something like this. Can you give him a few suggestions of what you would like and then let him pick one so there is still a bit of a surprise?

Fallsballs Mon 15-Jun-20 09:59:04

Did you not know he wasn’t great at planning/surprises/gestures before you agreed to marry him ?!

IndiaMay Mon 15-Jun-20 10:03:30

Nope @Lynda07 marriages have been banned here since mid march! Its completely ridiculous. People are dying and literally cannot be married beforehand. There was about 2 weeks in march you could marry with 2 witnesses and the celebrant only in the room and then that changed.

We marked our wedding day (which was during peak lockdown - 1 hour excersise only etc.) With a lovely day. My fiance was fully on board though. We wore our rings just for the day, had bucksfizz and fancy pastries from our local artisan bakery in bed, we went for an hour walk and took some photos in a public flower garden to remember the day by, spent the day in the garden with prosecco/beer and snacks listening to the wedding disco playlist we had put together (annoyingly it was the perfect sunny spring day). And then in the evening we had a graze board we bought all the ingredients for in advance (as we love meats, cheeses etc.) And listened to our wedding breakfast playlist whilst we ate. Comedy film in the eve. It was the perfect day and we went to bed soooo happy. It was actually the day after that I felt horrible. Walking up with nothing left to celebrate, the weather was a bit shit and we didnt have the after glow of an actual marriage.

ChangeThePassword Mon 15-Jun-20 10:07:37

People are dying and literally cannot be married beforehand

That might depend on where you live, but a friend of mine was allowed to marry a couple in that exact circumstances. They had to get special permission beforehand.

starrynight87 Mon 15-Jun-20 10:13:23

I think most men just don't realise or care why making an effort is important.

thecatsthecats Mon 15-Jun-20 10:21:00

I'd have thought a takeaway would be on lots of people's minds in the circumstances, not sure why it's out of order as a suggestion.

We had a special date weekend where we took turns making cocktails followed by takeaway once sufficiently tipsy.

Both of us being on top of each other all the time have been conscious to avoid 'I want' spilling over into 'I need' - we try to be respectful of each other, but one person's preferences don't automatically become the other's obligation.

Ducklingfarm Mon 15-Jun-20 10:30:17

Realistically if your not a creative planner type a nice walk and a take away are all there really is to do so yes I think you are being unreasonable as he is also probably down in the dumps about it, but you could expand on his thought make it a beach day, not sure if you have kids but if you do go find lots of pretty pebbles/shells and make hearts, write little love messages in the sand, take lots of pictures, order an afternoon tea and collect on the way and sip your prosecco together on the beach, come home and cook something special together then you have covered the take away part with afternoon tea and the walk is along the beach!

JorisBonson Mon 15-Jun-20 10:31:35

thecatsthecats

I'd have thought a takeaway would be on lots of people's minds in the circumstances, not sure why it's out of order as a suggestion.

We had a special date weekend where we took turns making cocktails followed by takeaway once sufficiently tipsy.

Both of us being on top of each other all the time have been conscious to avoid 'I want' spilling over into 'I need' - we try to be respectful of each other, but one person's preferences don't automatically become the other's obligation.

That's a really good way to look at things👍

OP’s posts: |
IndiaMay Mon 15-Jun-20 10:36:15

@ChangeThePassword that's really good then they were allowed in those circumstances. I'm just frustrated I guess. I can live with my Partner, shop with him, just not allowed to marry him atm.

RedRed9 Mon 15-Jun-20 13:36:38

@IndiaMay I don’t know what type of wedding you’re after but five person ceremonies are allowed to go ahead from 1st August here.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »