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AIBU about husband’s friend visiting?

(112 Posts)
SquarePeggyLeggy Mon 15-Jun-20 05:19:22

I’m in Australia, where restrictions are lifting. We can have overnight guests. So legally/ethically the following is ok. But I’m blown away and need to vent this.
My husband’s bestie (lifelong friend, but lives far away) wants to come and visit when state borders open next week. So as soon as it’s allowed, he would come.
We have 3 kids, the youngest is 14 months old. She doesn’t sleep.
He asked to come, but suggested a week, which I actually think is a rudely long time to stay with people with a baby unless you’re doing their chores alongside them and really pitching in or are immediate family in which case, I STILL think household help is reasonable and considerate. BUT I’m very introverted and find houseguests stressful at the best of times so can accept my ideas of acceptable visit lengths may be short by others standards.

He’s also expressed that he’d like to spend the time “half-half” with the family, and half with my husband going to pubs or on outings.

AIBU to think this is rude and inappropriate? It feels like: ditch the kids with your wife and take me out for half a week. While I also stay in their home?!

I’m also not comfortable with suddenly going back to houseguests all of a sudden. COVID concerns and also disturbing the baby reasons.

This man does not have kids. He’s in a relationship, but he works in hospitality. Our lives and hours are very different. I don’t feel he’d be deliberately inconsiderate, I imagine he’s just utterly oblivious to the demands of family life and what staying with a baby who doesn’t sleep would actually be like? I think he wants to see his friend one on one without realising what a huge sacrifice that would actually mean for everyone else.
I’ve said no way. My husband is clearly disappointed but said it’s “whatever I’m comfortable with”. Which makes me madder, can he not see it’s an inappropriate suggestion?! Or AIBU?
I’ve suggested my husband go there. That way they get their one on one time, and there’s no risk of waking a baby. But I think his friend is offended. And I look like a bit of a cow?

OP’s posts: |
Greyblueeyes Mon 15-Jun-20 05:22:21

I would just tell the friend that it's not great timing right now. I wouldn't want him to come in your situation either.

Greyblueeyes Mon 15-Jun-20 05:23:37

And no, you don't look like a cow. The friend obviously doesn't understand.

CrumpetyTea Mon 15-Jun-20 05:26:58

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to be honest. if he lived nearer it may be feasible for him to come for shorter times but given the situation a week may be the only workable answer. Have you asked if he intends to help? when do you think the baby will be old enough to allow visitors? I think he's just being honest in saying that he wants to spend time with your husband alone (they are best friends after all)- but presumably he wants to get to know his best friends family as well. Most people would think it worse if their partner went away to visit his best friend alone without the family- as this would leave the remaining partner with all the responsibilities - plus they'd feel excluded from the friendship

Happynow001 Mon 15-Jun-20 05:33:23

I'm glad you've spoken up to your husband and told him clearly how you feel. Don't feel guilt tripped on agreeing if you really don't want this visit to happen at this stage.

SquarePeggyLeggy Mon 15-Jun-20 05:36:20

CrumpetyTea

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to be honest. if he lived nearer it may be feasible for him to come for shorter times but given the situation a week may be the only workable answer. Have you asked if he intends to help? when do you think the baby will be old enough to allow visitors? I think he's just being honest in saying that he wants to spend time with your husband alone (they are best friends after all)- but presumably he wants to get to know his best friends family as well. Most people would think it worse if their partner went away to visit his best friend alone without the family- as this would leave the remaining partner with all the responsibilities - plus they'd feel excluded from the friendship

I would have answered that it would be ok to have visitors when the baby was sleeping better, but o also thought it would be better at 14 months and it’s not really, so I just don’t know! 😭

OP’s posts: |
Antipodeancousin Mon 15-Jun-20 05:37:13

But the friend is potentially creating more work for OP by staying in her house whilst also making her husband unavailable for 3/4 days that week while they go on the pub?
I would hate having any of he OH’s friends to stay for longer than a night or two. I have regularly flown interstate to Sydney or Melbourne just to spend the weekend with a friend so unless his journey is very long I think a week is too long.

SquarePeggyLeggy Mon 15-Jun-20 05:41:41

Antipodeancousin

But the friend is potentially creating more work for OP by staying in her house whilst also making her husband unavailable for 3/4 days that week while they go on the pub?
I would hate having any of he OH’s friends to stay for longer than a night or two. I have regularly flown interstate to Sydney or Melbourne just to spend the weekend with a friend so unless his journey is very long I think a week is too long.

That’s a great summary of how it feels to me.

OP’s posts: |
frazzledasarock Mon 15-Jun-20 05:41:47

I think this is wildly inappropriate.

Demanding to go descend on a young family for a week and to impose rules about spending half a week with just your husband is really weird and definitely unreasonable.

So he expects to be a guest for a week in your house. It creates so much work having an extra person on the house, and who does he think is going to be doing the parenting and household chose and cooking and cleaning whilst he disappears with your husband for half the week. Who does he think will be doing it whilst he’s there?

I’d find it an incredible imposition if anyone demanded to rock up to my house for a week. I’m not about to cook, clean and give up my space for another adult for a whole entire week. I’ve got a toddler too and I would be so angry if DP thought he could drop the responsibilities and swan off with his mate for a week.

Totally different if there aren’t any kids and we had the room.

Mascotte Mon 15-Jun-20 05:46:02

I think YAB a bit unreasonable. I'd be really upset if a spouse told me I couldn't have my oldest friend to stay for a week and hang out.

I appreciate it's hard having a child with sleep issues, but I think that's a bit of a separate issue and could be managed for a week, surely, to let your husband host his friend?

SquarePeggyLeggy Mon 15-Jun-20 05:49:48

I am genuinely open to being told I’m not reasonable. The sleep issues make me a crazy and fiercely protective of the sleep we do get, so I
hate the thought of anything compromising that.
That’s why I suggested my husband go there (for a long weekend not a week) so that they could have the time together the friend wants and I don’t have to have a guest and nobody wakes the baby coming home from a pub or just generally staying up much later etc that a childless person would normally do.
But I think he feels unwelcome.

OP’s posts: |
letmethinkaboutitfornow Mon 15-Jun-20 05:50:19

@SquarePeggyLeggy - YAB a bit U
1. 14 month is not really a baby (might be diff in AUS, but in the UK it’s a toddler)
2. Half week going around with hubby sounds sensible
3. You sound frustrated and tired
4. I wouldn’t get Covid involved unless friend is planning to fly

Check with your hubby what you get in return and hopefully you can take a couple of days off and recuperate yourself 💐

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 15-Jun-20 05:53:36

Gosh a week is far too long. If he were offering to take the kids out for chunks of time in the day and live by your families routine, that would be doable perhaps. To invite yourself for a week is terribly rude. I take it he doesn’t have kids.

SquarePeggyLeggy Mon 15-Jun-20 05:59:32

No kids.

He’s a nice person, but he is just on a different planet to us in this life stage.

I wouldn’t have thought twice about having him for a week pre kids. Or staying with him either.

He just has no idea and it’s not something you can explain.

OP’s posts: |
Marmalady75 Mon 15-Jun-20 06:02:57

I get you with the non-sleeping child! My ds was nearly 2 before he slept through the night and there were times I was on my knees with exhaustion. Everything seems so much worse when you are bone-weary tired. I think your husband going there is the perfect compromise. If the friend comes to you it will be so stressful for you.

PlanDeRaccordement Mon 15-Jun-20 06:06:12

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, because although your fears are valid, you’re not discussing them with your DH or how to address them. You’re being a bit passive and assuming the whole guest hosting business will fall entirely on your shoulders.

For a visitor who lives far away, a week is not long. Far away is anything more than a 5hr journey imho.

He’s your DHs best friend. How would you feel if you were told by your DH your best friend could not visit or if they did, they could not have one on one time with you?

It seems you are worried about the extra work. I’d tell your DH that you are not up for all the extra work of a house guest for a week because you are up to your neck in family life as is. Present it as a problem for you both to solve. If your DH were to do the majority of house guest work, would you feel differently? Can you ease the burden by him cooking the dinners? Sorting his friends breakfast every day? Maybe get a cleaner in just for that week so you’re not cleaning the guest bathroom or worrying about your kitchen being a disaster. When DH goes out with his friend, could you have a friend of yours over for some female companionship?

Just write down all your fears about the extra work, and sit with him and come up with ideas that will distribute or outsource the work and put you at ease.

Ijustreallywantacat Mon 15-Jun-20 06:26:40

I agree with plan. He'll be travelling a long way and shorter than a week might not be doable. Work together with your DH to make sure he makes up for any extra work you might have to do, and recognise he's missing his friend. My best mate lives ages away. I'd be heartbroken if DP decided she couldn't stay and wouldn't budge.

Best to be kind to each other. smile

Perch Mon 15-Jun-20 06:41:44

I think a 14 mo old is still a baby? Toddler from 2, or do I have it wrong?
YANBU OP, and if he is a good friend he will understand. You are just friends in different life stages. Doesn’t mean your not friends anymore, you just have very diff needs. And sleep deprivation is a killer and makes life unbearable, it seeps into everything.

Di11y Mon 15-Jun-20 06:47:15

a think a long weekend where he lives sounds a great compromise. is he miffed because you've got better things to do where you are?

TheCatInAHat Mon 15-Jun-20 06:50:05

To the poster who said in the UK the baby would be considered a toddler. I definitely still consider my 14 month old a baby (in the uk). He is in the baby room at nursery- they stay there until 2.

But back to the point. I definitely think yanbu. I couldn’t handle a house guest for a week with the stress of a baby who doesn’t sleep. I’d find it utterly exhausting. I’d compromise at 3 nights.

SteelyPanther Mon 15-Jun-20 06:50:30

A weekend is enough, or even Mon - Fri, but no longer.
I wouldn’t have anyone staying at my house, it’s too much like hard work.

SquarePeggyLeggy Mon 15-Jun-20 06:50:46

Di11y

a think a long weekend where he lives sounds a great compromise. is he miffed because you've got better things to do where you are?

Not at all, he lives in a capital city with far less restrictions than our state has. Another issue he doesn’t seem to be aware of.. the things he’s suggested doing are actually still closed. They would have a lot more fun there. It’s also warmer!
Miffed because he’s suggested this and my husband probably appeared keen but has come back with a counter offer that has clearly come from his wife saying no maybe...?

OP’s posts: |
glitterfarts Mon 15-Jun-20 06:59:57

Do you have a spare room?
If so, tell your DH that he can come if DH does all the work e.g. Setting up spare room, hosting him, cleaning after. AND that if they come in drunk/late and wake kids, DH is to resettle them and he and guest get up in the morning, no tiptoeing quietly around hungover people the next day.

1 day of being woken by kids at 6am with a hangover and he'll see why it wasn't a good idea.

I don't think you're unreasonable but people without kids don't get it.

Quiterightly Mon 15-Jun-20 07:00:05

You are never being unreasonable to say no to houseguests

kingkuta Mon 15-Jun-20 07:02:40

I think YABU. Lifelong friend that lives far away? I think a week is entirely appropriate. The suggestion that he spends half the time with the family and half socialising with his mate is also fair. I take it you and he are not close? I think most people would want to spend most of their time not half, with their mate tbh so he seems mindful that he has a family and expects to spend time with them. I think the baby not sleeping well just sounds like an excuse and probably does to your dh friend as well. I also wouldnt take kindly to DH telling me a good friend couldnt come to stay. I'd be astounded if he did this tbh.

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