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AIBU? My child is friends with another child, whose mother is a nightmare. For years she has copied everything that I have bought for myself and especially my child. She has always asked repeatedly where is this from and made every effort to get the same especially for her child. When they were toddlers It was annoying but I tried to ignore it. Now they are older, it is irritating to the point I don’t like to tell her where I bought items. Now she has decided to send her child to the same school as mine (had other options available) It will only get worse. I feel so angry and livid. I was happy having limited contact. Now they will be constantly there despite my trying to keep them at arms length. I can’t cut off all contact as the children are friends. Just feel so angry. AIBU?
My step sister in law was similar. Started to say she was calling her dd the same name as my dd.
Do you think she's not in touch with what's in fashion at the minute and doesn't know where to shop? Does she feel a little jealous of you? Very strange if she's deliberately wanting to copy you?
Yeah a bit.
Your child has chosen this friend, that doesn't mean you need to interact much with their parents.
I can understand the situation's a bit irritating but you sound as though you're taking it a bit too much to heart.
Try to step away and focus on something else if you can.
It wouldn’t bother me but then I never remember where I got anything. If it annoys you, just don’t tell her. If you’re extremely annoyed, avoid her - it’ll get easier to do that as the children get older. Life’s too short to let people wind you up.
Thanks for your replies. It’s been going on for years...she even went to another county to buy a garment which I had as it had sold out elsewhere. What annoys me is when she tries to clone my child. Always talking about height, looks etc and wanting the same Top, bottoms, coats, scarves etc.
Still not something I could feel 'feel so angry and livid' about.
It is mildly irritating though for sure.
As a pp said, as the kids get older you'll have less and less contact with parents anyway.
I honestly feel there is jealousy directed not at me, but my child. Her fashion sense appears okay. Thank goodness, she didn’t copy my child’s name. Hope you SIl didn’t do that in the end 😳
WorraLiberty will try to focus on something else but when she enters our life I feel very stressed and think here we go again. I have started to be vague about where I buy things. It’s the only person I am like that with. All my friends are normal and I am happy to discuss purchases but no one else is so interested!
CardsforKittens I have even stopped my child from saying much about our purchases. I shall start to put that distance between us. It’s not healthy and I do feel wound up. Difficult to express it here except to say so many examples of copycat behaviour over many, many years....
Thanks for your Reply WorraLiberty. Good to read other persons views on a matter.
Have a bit of fun with it! Ask her back where she got her stuff because you admire her style. Tell her you got it from a charity shop. “Oh did you buy that outfit from X charity shop in town? I donated one just like it because... .:”
@Lilly1000 It sounds like that woman lacks confidence and looks up to you. She probably doesn't have many friends but I know that kind of behaviour can be annoying.
Always encourage your child to have lots of friends rather than just 1 best friend. I've always done this with my kids since they were little and reminded them that it's much more fun having a group of friends.
As regards to yourself I'd try not to fall out with her. It can be easy to say something blunt sometimes but then you'll regret it. I've had experience of this exact situation some years ago. It transpired the woman had a difficult childhood / upbringing without guidance as both her parents were alcoholics. She basically looked up to other people and tried to copy them as she didn't know any other way to learn. I felt sorry for her and ever since then I've always treaded carefully as you never really know what someone's story is. Btw her life turned out well and happy so I'm glad.
I agree with @WorraLiberty, your children are friends, you don’t have to be friends with her.
Otherwise, who the fuck cares? I don’t give a shit if someone buys all the same stuff as me or does everything the same as me. (They don’t, but I hope they flock to me someday.) What impact does it actually have on your life at all? NADA.
It’s annoying ip, but probably stems from her insecurities and jealousy. I’d just ‘forget’ where I’d bought items, or change the subject. As the DC get older you will have less to do with the mother anyway. They could even have different friendship groups at school. Mine all did. It will be easier to keep her at arms length should you choose to
I think it's really pathetic when people withhold where they bought something because "it's copying". If it's from a ship and not homemade then 5,000 other people will have it on their back too - stop being so childish and precious. Does it really matter? And you though you had a monopoly on the school - grow up OP.
*shop not ship (unles it's a ship gift shop )
Whenever she asks you where you got something, tell her it was a present, This is what I did after a friend began copying my clothes.
I can see how irritating that must be, but are you really 'angry and livid' that someone admires you and strives to copy your purchases? I think I would find it very flattering. Either way, if you are talking about secondary schools, you are not likely to see her again so this issue will cease to be a problem.
@Lilly1000 OP, I think you are being unreasonable
It might be your mindset, however have you thought about turning it around? She clearly thinks that you are doing a wonderful job with your child! I would be proud and patient rather than anything.
She might have not had any role models in her life or has very low self esteem...
I can understand you may find it frustrating but based on your post, nothing malicious 💐
Be flattered op. Or start wearing really horrible clothes.
I don't understand the problem.
Also she must have been in catchment for the school, why wouldn't she choose one where her child has a friend? Why did you choose the school? Because it was nicer than others in the area?
How much purchase do you do 5hatvit seems to be the centre of all discussions? Sorry but it comes across as a very middle class trouble with trying to outweigh which darling has the nicest and cutest pair of shoes at £100.
Otherwise, I don't see the issue. Just ignore the question about where things have been bought. As for school, ridiculous. You picked the school for clear reasons and she probably has the same.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this for about two years as a teenager and it drove me insane. Back then the whole point of my style was that I was a nonconformist so it was really annoying to have someone “twinning” with me and showing up at all my interests.
I ended up changing my style every week so she couldn’t keep up lol. So sporty one week, girly the next, goth the following week, then hippy, then preppy etc etc. Stopped telling her about hobbies, what I was reading or listening to etc as it was all very single white female. She did actually become quite destructive towards me, made up really poisonous complete lies and tried to get me thrown out of groups and hobbies etc.
If it was my child that was being copied I would have probably have just started dressing them in quite boring clothes for play dates or whatever when the other person was around and been very private about what we buy/do etc. I never would have told her what school I was sending my child to.
But that’s just me. All the things you’ve described would really bother me but most other posters don’t seem to care. People always used to say to me “you should be flattered” but it’s bloody annoying when it’s constant. Even more so if it’s your child, I’d imagine.
Could it be that her child will always ask to have what your child has? My kid is a bit like that and if I genuinely think said item will be good for him I will ask the mum where she got it and say my kid won't stop banging on about it and I think it would be good for him. If I think my kid is being greedy, I will remind him about the many toys/vlothing has that said other kid doesn't, and that they can't all have all the same things. Perhaps she sees you as a better mum than her, and is trying to follow your lead in all things?
Thank you all for taking time out to reply. I have taken on board all comments....
NewtonPulsifer - Should try this...😂
Seychelles98 - thanks for sound advice - yes, this mother has very few friends (I have felt sorry for her over the years).. My child thankfully has a great network of friends all at various schools but the longest friendship is with this other child. Glad the other person you mentioned is happy now
user1473878824 - I would have thought the same if I haven’t experienced this for years. It does have an impact when you experience it.
CuppaZa -thanks for understanding and wise advice
GlummyMcGlummerson -you clearly haven’t experienced this! Of course I don’t think I have a monopoly over any school. That would be ridiculous. I am grown up too, in fact very mature. Yes there are thousands of children’s clothes online/in shops... go out and buy something. Not always insist on the same item of clothing another family has over and over again for years and years. I hope you never experience it...
Redroses27- thanks, good idea
rawlikesushi -thats one way of looking at it. Yes secondary school.
Oysterbabe - she had an offer of an excellent school where most of this child’s friends are going but has now decided he should not go there but travel further our to this other school my son attends
dontdisturbmenow - no middle class issues -
NameChange84 - goodness, sorry to read about your experiences. How awful. My friends have said this mother is like single white female too. You have been there, you understand how it gets to you when it’s constant. I believe our identities are important also freedom of choice. . It’s not about constantly grabbing other people’s identities over and over again. So many shops/styles to choose From, , go out there and do that for your child and yourself.
JustC - when the child was aged three he would ask my child, where did you get that from... because the mother did it and it was normal for the child. Same toys, shoes, pj’s would be bought. Now they are older, toys don’t come into it. The rest still does. I have no issue with someone asking me where I got this from... the point is it’s every time and then copied and it’s been over years and years.
Either forget which shop you bought it from, call her out on it (I'd rather not tell you because I don't want them looking the same) or buy secondhand clothes.
I had a copying colleague. We shared an office as well and she was bad at her job so I didn't want to be associated with her at all. I ended up buying (nice) secondhand clothes for two years (till she was sacked) just so she couldn't buy the same thing. I also tended to cut out the label so she couldn't grab my neck anymore and check which brand it was.
Isthisfinallyit - thanks for your reply. Hopefully you were able to live stress free once she was gone. My child cut out labels once too as was fed up of repeatedly being asked where items were from and at times her grabbing clothing to check just like your experience.
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