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To get back together with him?

(46 Posts)
turtle16 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:34:10

Hi all, I’m very new to this my first post.
Two years ago I split up with my DP of 8 years (married 5) due to his anger issues and taking it out on my DS and DD. We also have a DD together and he also started to lose his temper with her. He would swear and call them very nasty names.
He was on meds and exercising and we had some great times - years in fact, but then he decided to stop taking the meds, he got injured and stopped exercising and so he was quick to lose his temper again.
I decided enough was enough and we split when on holiday summer 2018.
He had a break down and got help, he’s back on meds and has been seeing a counsellor. He’s in a better place and I can see he is really trying to change, and I think he has somewhat.
We’re thinking about officially being back together as a couple as he’s been staying here in lock down during the week when I only have our DD here and then when I have my other two he goes to his place.
My two don’t want to ever love with him again and say they don’t want to really see him or even try. Their dad also says why would I want to even give him a chance when he mentally abused them.
I’m a Christian and believe in forgiveness and the value of marriage if the other person is willing to fight and change themselves for the better.
But AIBU to even consider it when my two children are so against it. DD that we have together would love nothing more.

OP’s posts: |
RedHelenB Sun 14-Jun-20 23:36:56

I would carry on as you are for now. Certainly you can't live withere him if your older children have been abused by him and don't want this,

GhostCurry Sun 14-Jun-20 23:37:03

“ I’m a Christian and believe in forgiveness and the value of marriage if the other person is willing to fight and change themselves for the better.”

What is more important to you, the wishes of your children or your ex? This sounds like an excuse to me. Are you lonely without him? What ages are your two older kids? Are they with you half the time?

Poorpigletsrevenge Sun 14-Jun-20 23:38:01

Put your children first and move on.

Why would you even consider this?

pisspants Sun 14-Jun-20 23:38:24

I think you are making a choice between him and your 2 older dc's. If you are still with him once they are older they will vote with their feet - leave home early maybe, visit rarely. Is he really worth that?

Mnthrowaway20202 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:38:26

Put your children first

lunar1 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:39:02

He shouldn't be n your home at all. You will completely alienate your older two children. They may never forgive you for this.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 14-Jun-20 23:41:54

He would swear and call them very nasty names.

This happened more than once? Um no, you can’t get back together with him. He’s an angry abuser who took his issues out on your innocent children. By all means forgive him but don’t you dare inflict him on your kids again.

DD that we have together would love nothing more.

But also

We also have a DD together and he also started to lose his temper with her.

Squince Sun 14-Jun-20 23:44:13

Your children are more important than either your religious beliefs or the preferences of your abusive ex. Obviously.

Dozer Sun 14-Jun-20 23:47:07

Do yourself and your DC a favour and stop this relationship. Past behaviour is a decent indicator of future behaviour.

Shouldershrugger Sun 14-Jun-20 23:47:54

Sorry op, you need to put your children first. There's no guarantee of a relapse not happening. You choosing him over your children is something your children will never forget or forgive.

LemonFanta123 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:49:47

Put your children first OP!!!

turtle16 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:50:56

My older two are 13 and 17.
They live with their dad half the week and me the rest as we live a few villages apart from one another.
Lockdown has created a very artificial environment I think and we have ended up sleeping together when he’s here during the week.
I usually have my older two during the week but they need to be at their dads during the week to look after their other younger sister so I’ve ended up with three days every weekend.
My DS comes here and treats the house and me very disrespectfully, if he doesn’t get what he wants he throws things and slams the doors. He’s 13 and nearly 6ft, I’m 5.3ft there’s nothing I can do to stop him. DD says he doesn’t do this at his dads house, which upsets me as I feel he doesn’t even want to be with me. I sometimes feel that I ended my marriage for him (as he was the one who got most of the shouting at) and he doesn’t even care that I made myself a single parent or even want to be at my house anyway.

OP’s posts: |
Whiskeylover45 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:51:03

I’m a Christian and believe in forgiveness and the value of marriage if the other person is willing to fight and change themselves for the better.

I am a Christian too OP, and like you I believe in forgiveness. However forgiveness doesn't mean you allow yourself to be a doormat, it means letting go of the other persons throat to move on with your life. Forgiveness is about you, not the other person.

In this case your personal beliefs are your own, not your childrens. They have made their feelings very clear, and given he hasn't even attempted to try and repair bridges with them by going home when they come back, I feel this says all you need to know. I may be being unfair, and He may have worked on himself but one hot day doesn't make a summer.

He mentally abused your children, you put them first before, carry on with this. Your responsibility isn't towards fixing him or giving him another chance. Your responsibility is to the kids. Actions have consequences and in this case the consequences are he lost his wife and family. Tough. In my experience most abusers dont change their spots, or if they do it's down to years of therapy.

If you take him back it will cause irrevocable damage to your relationship with your older kids, and their relationship with their sister as they will take it, rightly, you are putting her above them and your need for a relationship with a man who hurt them, over them. They would be right.

Carry on as you are, arrange access for your DD so she still stills her father and make sure all kids are protected. There is nothing to stop him suddenly stopping taking his meds again and going back to square one when he realises he has what he wants.

As a christian myself I would never place a man above my child. He who hurts this little child hurts me, and all that...

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:56:32

Your son doesn't owe you any thanks for leaving this man, and you expecting him to say thanks says a lot.

He did not make you a single mother or anything else, he owes you no debt of gratitude, I'm not surprised he's pissed off when he's there and with you
He knows that blokes there and your going to take him back
He has every right to be mad at you op

Whiskeylover45 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:59:13

If your DS got the brunt of the abuse I would guess he is angry, and angry at you for allowing it to go on.

If hes not like this at his dads, you have to ask yourself why hes like this at yours. Ask him, and be prepared to listen and hear some hurtful things. He needs support and a listening ear, and the only way you can work through all this is to do that with no judgement to him.

Your DS had probably taken that your sort of back together as a massive slap in the face. He abused him but you've welcomed this man back into your life. The man hasnt apologised nor tried to build bridges. It sounds like hes feeling like he doesnt matter to you. It also isnt fair on your DD having her dad in and out.

I would tell your H you want a break, formailse contact arrangement with him, and focus on improving your relationship with your son, by listening to him and showing him you are putting him first.

This may sound harsh and I am sorry if it came across this way, but you are a parent first and foremost. Your needs have to come secondary (at least in this sense) to your childrens menatl welfare.

I say all this as a teacher who has taught children who's parents put their relationship above them. The outcome is heartbreaking.

lunar1 Mon 15-Jun-20 00:00:06

Your blaming your son for your ex's abusive behaviour? I don't know what type of Christian you are, but I think your doing it wrong.

turtle16 Mon 15-Jun-20 00:00:57

Thanks Whiskeylover45 I think I’ve just been really struggling with the whole marriage is sacred and I really wished he hadn’t been trying to make an effort to change but he has. It would be so much easier if he hadn’t.

He would love to see my other two and has written them letters saying how sorry he is and that he will never forgive himself, he buys them presents for their birthday and Christmas as says until we’re divorced they’re still his kids. They had a meal together for younger DD’s birthday in feb. Their dad won’t let them see him - only in exceptional circumstances like birthdays and then if extended family of mine are present.

I am looking to buy a house of my own this year and he is also looking to buy a house separately. I think once lockdown is over this artificial environment will be at an end and it will be easier to be separate.

OP’s posts: |
PhoenixIsFlying Mon 15-Jun-20 00:01:17

Please don’t. It will go back to how it was. Please put your children first.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 15-Jun-20 00:01:56

So you’re already back shagging him. And telling yourself you deserve to be happy with him because your son is rude and ungrateful. Have I got that right? Are you hoping by having your ex/lover around your son will just stop showing up and choose to live ft with his father?

You’re being very childish and using your religion as an excuse doesn’t reflect well on you as a Christian or a mother. Try throwing a bit of Christian compassion to your son who you already put through abuse at the hands of a horrible abusive step dad. He owes you no gratitude for leaving, why would he?

Lynda07 Mon 15-Jun-20 00:08:07

Do put your children first and don't let your ex husband live with you, however if you feel he has turned over a new leaf and you love him, there's no reason why you can't have a relationship with him without living together. Your two older children wouldn't have to have any involvement. You can reassess the situation when they are off hand. I think having a part time relationship - if you want it - might be the answer long term. It's amazing how some such relationships really work and it would mean you keeping your independence.

PhoenixIsFlying Mon 15-Jun-20 00:10:12

My mother stayed with my dad as she believed marriage was sacred. It was an awful and toxic environment and still is. They are elderly now and I live nearby, lockdown has been a relief for me as I don’t like going there as my dad still treats my mum terribly. Yes forgive him for his bad behaviour but don’t get back together with him.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 15-Jun-20 00:10:23

his anger issues and taking it out on my DS and DD. We also have a DD together and he also started to lose his temper with her. He would swear and call them very nasty names.
Your partner abused your children. Why would you inflict him on them again?

I sometimes feel that I ended my marriage for him (as he was the one who got most of the shouting at) and he doesn’t even care that I made myself a single parent or even want to be at my house anyway.
Wow. You expect your son to be more grateful you stopped a man abusing him? That’s your Entire job. How long was this man absusing your children before you eventually divorced him?

Stop putting your sex life above your children. This has fuck all to do with being a christian.

DD that we have together would love nothing more
Because she doesnt know any better. You are showing her that a man losing his temper with her and being abusive is normal.

copperoliver Mon 15-Jun-20 00:15:11

Put your children first. You've been apart years, stay that way.
If he has a relapse you'll be back to square one. X

turtle16 Mon 15-Jun-20 00:16:10

Thanks all, it is good to have a dose of reality. What you are all saying is exactly how I felt a year ago. My ex started coming to church after his breakdown and recovery. He’s got to know people there along with my friends, the minister and his wife - I have told them all how he had been with the kids and they all say they can see he has changed, he’s remorseful and that he is a nice man blah blah blah and then the views of marriage vows come into it. And then that’s why I have got confused, especially spending so much time around him during lockdown.
The reason he is here is because I work full time and can do so from home. He gave up his lease a few months ago to be able to save and moved back in with his parents so at the moment he can’t have DD at his parents house.
I certainly do not blame DS I’ve just had a particularly bad day with him today I guess.
I’m going to aim to do something just me and him next week and try to get him to open up to me.

OP’s posts: |

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