I'm sorry for what may turn into a long-winded post, and apologies if any of the topics I cover are a trigger for others.
I'm not new here; I'm a long-time reader and feel I need to talk to someone. So here goes.
I had a fairly okay childhood, up until my father passed away just before my teenage years. My older sister became my guardian, as after my father passed I became exposed to my mother's very serious mental health issues. My mother was taken from our family home and moved in and out of MH institutes, and our home became some kind of 'party central' for my siblings and their friends. Drugs, alcohol and sex almost every night of the week. The only thing that I ever had to focus on was my education, and I built a relationship with my school nurse who used to let me skip class to get some sleep in the office and then I'd catch up on my school work whilst parties happened at home.
I was subjected to a lot of abuse over the years, from around 11 to 18, by my older brother. Things progressed from what seemed like brother-sister arguments to mental, emotional and physical abuse towards me. He'd use his phone to record himself torturing me with homemade blow torches whilst laughing, lock me in rooms and tie the door handle to the banister to stop me from getting out, and punch my spine so I choke and have panic attacks- then record it and threaten to show people if I ever told anyone what he had done. I still suffer with those panic attacks to this day. There was a lot more to it but I won't go into it all. Despite everything I went through, I pushed myself to get through school and I left with some great GCSE results. Then, I lost myself for some time.
When I turned 18, I left further education and drank a lot. But, during this time I met someone who made me realise that I could do better, and I returned to college with him. We got to know each other over the course of a year and a half, and eventually got into a relationship. Three months into my A Levels, we suffered a miscarriage. We hurt, a lot, but we dealt with it together and carried on with life. My brother, however, bragged to us about how he told his job-search advisor that he was too depressed to work as his little sister had lost her baby. We were mortified and hurt beyond belief, especially as he never once checked in on us or had any sort of relationship with us. But, as usual, my boyfriend and I powered through, passed our A Levels and ended up going to university together. I've graduated twice since, and we have worked so hard on building a life for ourselves. Eight years on and we've got a beautiful home, jobs that pay the bills, a nice car and we recently got married. He truly is an exceptional human being, and I honestly believe he saved me. My brother, however, is something else, and the be all and end all of it is that we have no relationship, and I will never want him in my life.
My husband and I have been trying for a baby for over a year and a half now. In March, just after our wedding, we were finally referred for fertility treatment. Last Thursday, my brother randomly called in the morning. He asked if I was okay, I said I was stressed, and he asked why. I said our fertility treatment is postponed, and he told me that we are 'lucky' that we get treatment because we've 'already had a baby'- he has a son who he chose to abandon, but now he and his girlfriend (who has two children with someone else) are trying and they apparently don't get NHS help. He told me that we are lucky. He went on to tell me that he hopes his son forgives him when he's older, just like he forgives my mother for her MH problems, and like he forgives me for not inviting him to our wedding. I was dumbfounded.
I cried for hours after that phonecall. I sat at home, by myself, and cried. My husband was so incredibly angry when he got home when I told him what had happened. I struggle both mentally and physically due to our fertility issues, and to be told that I'm lucky just made me feel empty. As well as that, I'm being made to feel guilty for not having someone who took pleasure in abusing me, for years, at my wedding. Just a random Thursday morning call that reminded me that I lost my baby and that I should now consider myself to be lucky after what I went through.
I hate that I've let him make me feel like this, but I just dont know what to think anymore. Am I being unreasonable to not feel lucky?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
AIBU?
To not feel 'lucky'?
13 replies
Unjustlyconfused · 14/06/2020 23:19
OP posts:
Am I being unreasonable?
18 votes. Final results.
POLL
You are being unreasonable
0%
You are NOT being unreasonable
100%
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.