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To not feel 'lucky'?

(14 Posts)
Unjustlyconfused Sun 14-Jun-20 23:19:48

I'm sorry for what may turn into a long-winded post, and apologies if any of the topics I cover are a trigger for others.
I'm not new here; I'm a long-time reader and feel I need to talk to someone. So here goes.

I had a fairly okay childhood, up until my father passed away just before my teenage years. My older sister became my guardian, as after my father passed I became exposed to my mother's very serious mental health issues. My mother was taken from our family home and moved in and out of MH institutes, and our home became some kind of 'party central' for my siblings and their friends. Drugs, alcohol and sex almost every night of the week. The only thing that I ever had to focus on was my education, and I built a relationship with my school nurse who used to let me skip class to get some sleep in the office and then I'd catch up on my school work whilst parties happened at home.

I was subjected to a lot of abuse over the years, from around 11 to 18, by my older brother. Things progressed from what seemed like brother-sister arguments to mental, emotional and physical abuse towards me. He'd use his phone to record himself torturing me with homemade blow torches whilst laughing, lock me in rooms and tie the door handle to the banister to stop me from getting out, and punch my spine so I choke and have panic attacks- then record it and threaten to show people if I ever told anyone what he had done. I still suffer with those panic attacks to this day. There was a lot more to it but I won't go into it all. Despite everything I went through, I pushed myself to get through school and I left with some great GCSE results. Then, I lost myself for some time.
When I turned 18, I left further education and drank a lot. But, during this time I met someone who made me realise that I could do better, and I returned to college with him. We got to know each other over the course of a year and a half, and eventually got into a relationship. Three months into my A Levels, we suffered a miscarriage. We hurt, a lot, but we dealt with it together and carried on with life. My brother, however, bragged to us about how he told his job-search advisor that he was too depressed to work as his little sister had lost her baby. We were mortified and hurt beyond belief, especially as he never once checked in on us or had any sort of relationship with us. But, as usual, my boyfriend and I powered through, passed our A Levels and ended up going to university together. I've graduated twice since, and we have worked so hard on building a life for ourselves. Eight years on and we've got a beautiful home, jobs that pay the bills, a nice car and we recently got married. He truly is an exceptional human being, and I honestly believe he saved me. My brother, however, is something else, and the be all and end all of it is that we have no relationship, and I will never want him in my life.

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for over a year and a half now. In March, just after our wedding, we were finally referred for fertility treatment. Last Thursday, my brother randomly called in the morning. He asked if I was okay, I said I was stressed, and he asked why. I said our fertility treatment is postponed, and he told me that we are 'lucky' that we get treatment because we've 'already had a baby'- he has a son who he chose to abandon, but now he and his girlfriend (who has two children with someone else) are trying and they apparently don't get NHS help. He told me that we are lucky. He went on to tell me that he hopes his son forgives him when he's older, just like he forgives my mother for her MH problems, and like he forgives me for not inviting him to our wedding. I was dumbfounded.

I cried for hours after that phonecall. I sat at home, by myself, and cried. My husband was so incredibly angry when he got home when I told him what had happened. I struggle both mentally and physically due to our fertility issues, and to be told that I'm lucky just made me feel empty. As well as that, I'm being made to feel guilty for not having someone who took pleasure in abusing me, for years, at my wedding. Just a random Thursday morning call that reminded me that I lost my baby and that I should now consider myself to be lucky after what I went through.

I hate that I've let him make me feel like this, but I just dont know what to think anymore. Am I being unreasonable to not feel lucky? sad

OP’s posts: |
seven201 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:27:08

You really need to block him from your life completely. He's a vile human being.

Good luck with the fertility treatment. I'm doing ivf at the moment and if it's any comfort it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

RedHelenB Sun 14-Jun-20 23:33:29

You are lucky now, you've got a lovely supportive husband and the prospect of a family. You can't change your past but you can and should go no contact with your bother and concentrate on the present and future. Good luck with the IVF.

Unjustlyconfused Sun 14-Jun-20 23:43:15

RedHelenB I feel lucky in that respect. My husband is honestly the most patient, considerate, kind and caring person I've ever met. We've been through a lot, and despite knowing how much I struggled with my past, he helped me build a future and I'm so incredibly lucky to have that future with him flowers

OP’s posts: |
GhostCurry Sun 14-Jun-20 23:50:16

Please block your brother, he is continuing to actively abuse you. He is not your family, he is your enemy.

You sound like a wonderful person OP. Well done, you have overcome so much. Wishing you great success with your treatment. flowers

NeutrinoWrangler Sun 14-Jun-20 23:54:47

It's one thing to advise someone to cut ties with family and another to actually do it and live with the consequences, but I'd give it some serious consideration. Do you ever feel happy after talking with him, or does he almost always have a negative effect on your mood?

Your brother doesn't sound worth the pain he causes. You don't owe him anything. If you decide to maintain contact with him, I think I'd have to let him know (maybe in a text, if writing would be easier) just how awful his comments were. He needs to know that it wasn't okay and that you are willing to go no-contact if he can't treat you better than that.

...But honestly, if I were you I think I'd rather just never talk to him again.

Wishing you luck with the IVF. flowers

Unjustlyconfused Mon 15-Jun-20 00:06:11

NeutrinoWrangler honestly, I don't remember us ever having a conversation where I felt positive afterward. Throughout my teens, he always referred to as a 'fat slag', 'fat slut' and every other expletive you can think of- despite never going near the opposite sex until after I turned 18. I had a lot of shame around sexuality and sexual intimacy as a result of my abuse, and it's all from him.
When I went to university, he'd constantly tell me that I needed to stop thinking I was better than him, and that I should remember where I come from- as if it's something to be proud of.

I cut him off completely a while back, but he just keeps finding a way in again. My husband says he loves that I'm who I am, but wishes I wasn't so forgiving all the time, as it results in me feeling this way. Somehow, my brother is always the victim. He's a victim of the NHS as they won't provide assistance (apparently) after abandoning his child; he's a victim of me for not inviting him to the happiest day of my life.. he's always a victim.

OP’s posts: |
peanutandpumkin Mon 15-Jun-20 00:07:46

Block him.

He knows he has the power to make you feel miserable and that is his way of feeling satisfied,like he WON something. Dont let him do that to you. This way hes controlling you, think about it and it will make sense.

Be strong. You DONT need him. Make the choice to NOT pick his calls.

And I am sorry for your loss. In my eyes, you are a mother ❤️

WhittlingWinnie Mon 15-Jun-20 00:15:06

You are not 'unlucky' you've just had a shit show of a start to life but now you are free from that and you have your lovely husband and this is the beginning of something new and I hope you have every success in having children but as much as it pains me to say (as I need to follow my own advice) you need to block out members of family who cast that bloody shadow over everything you do.
Wishing you all the best star

EveryDayIsADuvetDay Mon 15-Jun-20 00:18:37

Cut contact with him - if he calls you, either don't answer or hang up; at most exchange the minimum of banal chat - eg 'nice weather' and end the conversation. Why on earth would you tell him something as personal as your iVF journey?
Seek counselling if you need to, but don't let him get involved in your life in this way - he will continue to bully you emotionally.

Unjustlyconfused Mon 15-Jun-20 00:32:17

EveryDayIsADuvetDay during a family funeral last year, my husband and I were asked the typical questions surrounding starting our own family. I said we were trying and were waiting for help, and it all went from there really. I've always talked openly about our fertility struggles to our family and close friends, so he's always heard about the things I have going on, but he has never been bothered, so it seemed normal to me to just say that I was stressed due to the delay. I now realise it was a big mistake on my behalf, but I never expected to feel like this again sad

OP’s posts: |
willowtree81 Mon 15-Jun-20 00:33:37

You have had such a terrible time! And shown such huge resilience and achieved so much. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. I'm so happy you have your lovely husband.

I think it's very simple. You need to 100% absolutely resolutely cut your brother out of your life. He is bringing you so much stress- what is the point? I hear so many stories of stress affecting fertility. Literally only this morning my best friend told me her sister in law quit her stressful job and fell pregnant 2 weeks later after trying for ages. Honestly, of course I'm not saying this will happen but you WILL have less stress in your life so that's already a win win situation. Just do NOT give in to him no matter what he says. That would be my advice. (Really in awe of your story ❤️)

CardsforKittens Mon 15-Jun-20 00:42:04

Yeah, he’s an abusive bastard with new tactics. Just block him in every possible way. He clearly doesn’t care how you feel, so why should you care how he feels? His lack of respect for you is staggering. flowers

LillianBland Mon 15-Jun-20 00:45:03

Can you picture your asshole of a brother in your future child’s life? What positives do you think he’ll bring? He’s violent, spiteful, cruel and jealous. Do you really want someone like that in your future child’s life?

What positives does he bring to your relationship with your husband. Does he bring joy to both of you?

What positives does he bring to your emotional and mental health? Do you want him bringing those ‘qualities’ into your life going forward.

Now, compare the positives to the negatives. Get him the hell out of your life, OP. He’s a truly vile individual.

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