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To be relieved I can't visit mum in hospital

(9 Posts)
TheoriginalLEM Sun 14-Jun-20 19:17:32

I know, it's awful and people are desperate to see relatives but honestly I'm so relieved.

There has been lots of hospital stays over the past two years and each time she is vile because she wants to go home but can't and blames it on me.

She has carers but they now refusing to help with medication. This is causing me so much anxiety, I'm back at work tomorrow after 10 weeks on furlough so I'm not sure how i can fit it all in.

She's in hospital with UTI, has dementia and addisons and a whole other list of comorbidities.

Is it bad that I'm sort of pleased because i don't have to worry? She was admitted at 4am after waking her neighbours convinced there were people in her house. I went round at 1am and couldn't calm her down. She was fine at 12 midday but deteriorated during the day. I was going to pop in at 7pm but decided not to as she was fine when I left her and I figured the carers would call me with any concerns. I am pretty pissed off as they recorded mum's agitated state and reports of people in her house and a man down the road watching her telly in her car - she couldn't find the remote control and I think this triggered it.

My brain needs some time when I'm.not on edge. But I feel bad

OP’s posts: |
loutypips Sun 14-Jun-20 19:22:19

Don't feel bad!!! If you visit what can you do? It may make her worse and nobody needs that.
Are social services involved at all? If not, it sounds like that should be.

Disabrie22 Sun 14-Jun-20 19:22:39

I had a friend who’s mum had dementia for many many years - the weight of visiting her in her care home every week - when her mum was very rude and cold to her because of her dementia and then having to take her small child to spend Christmas Day visiting her mum every year was so hard on her. When her mum died it was like she became a different person - relieved from a huge responsibility and giddily happy. Her mum hadn’t been the mum she knew and loved for years.
I don’t think you are wrong to feel relieved.

hadtojoin Sun 14-Jun-20 19:27:33

Don't feel bad, as you have said, last time she blamed you for not being able to go home so you know she would probably get more agitated if you were to visit. She is safe and being looked after so take the time for yourself.

Mrsjayy Sun 14-Jun-20 19:28:48

Have. You posted about your mum before? Not that it matters I just had a re collection. You are. Due a rest don't feel any guilt phone up for updates.

TheoriginalLEM Sun 14-Jun-20 19:45:06

Yes I've posted several posts. She was difficult before the dementia and now getting worse.

She has a good period of time where things were going ok but then it all went tits up with her medication and we've jumped back ten spaces.

I will be calling social services tomorrow as the care agency are refusing to administer meds, i believe this has contributed to the recent hospital stay. They will now only prompt but with no mar chart and irregular carers things are being missed and I have had to administer meds, but i can't do it now I'm back to work. Also the care agency get paid a considerable sum to do it! In fairness my mum is non compliant and sometimes says she's already taken meds but hasn't so I understand the need to protect staff but what about my mum? The medication is lifelong and taking full control away from mum triggers meltdowns of epic proportions - I've agreed to dosset box but have asked care agency to continue administering medication until i can get this organised but they refused. I suspect the care manager is of the type that won't be questioned.

Hopefully this will be sorted.

OP’s posts: |
Mulhollandmagoo Sun 14-Jun-20 20:09:14

I've read previous posts about you mum, I'm really sorry things haven't got easier for you flowers you're definitely not being unreasonable at all, and you really do deserve some peace ❤️ is a home something to consider? (I'm aware I sounded really heartless there) you would then know that she was safe and cared for all the time, including meds administered. You also wouldn't have to worry about day to day practicalities such as shopping, washing, housework and personal care.

Gindrinker43 Sun 14-Jun-20 20:15:55

Please don't worry, give yourself a break from it all. To be honest quite alot of patients are enjoying being left in peace on the wards to get better and not have to worry about visiting as well.
I know she wont feel like that but she will be fine and well cared for.

WeWantSweet Sun 14-Jun-20 21:16:24

I hear you. Medical advances have a double edged sword element in that they can serve to prolong life and whether a person wants it or not becomes lost in the process.

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