I really don’t know what to do

[Anon4563]

I really need some advice no judgements please. I’m married to a cold, unloving man who is quite possibly gay or asexual. I’ll start off by giving some context to explain why certain decisions might be very difficult for me to take. We are from an Asian background so divorce is considered very wrong. I once posted and the overwhelming response was leave him etc. I really don’t mean to sound ungrateful to advice but I cannot do that, at least not now whilst my kids are so small I will have no support at all. There’s so many social implication to this. I have witnessed myself what has happened to friends of family and distant aunties divorcing and really regretting it as and it’s really difficult to try and explain to people who are not from this culture.

I don’t know what I’m looking for maybe just to air out my feelings or hearing from people who have been in my position. He’s a good father but I just feel dead inside, I’m putting on weight as I’m feeling who cares. I used to care about my appearance and now I just don’t care. I didn’t feel this bad before as I had social interactions with people but due to lockdown it’s just him. We sleep in separate beds and today when I tried to talk to him he just got angry and started slamming the doors.

When I’m thinking of the future I do sometimes plan I will leave him when kids are in school as I won’t need that much support from family. I will also go back to work so I have money and can start a life without my family’s support. I really don’t want to die without having been loved, I know that sounds cheesy! I’ve never had a relationship before marriage so don’t even know how I will find someone when I have kids.

[MsVestibule]

If you can't physically leave him, you just have to consider yourself separated, if only in your head.

Will you really be able to leave him in a few years, though? The societal/cultural expectations will still be there, regardless of practicalities. I'm just concerned that there'll always be reasons for you to stay where you are 😕.

[recycledteenager24]

divorce AND homosexuality i guess would be wrong then in your culture, this really is no life for you or your dc, perhaps you could seperate rather than divorce? i guess dh wouldn't want his situation to be known, but he's not in a position to say much to you if you wanted to part.

[bridgetreilly]

I think you need to focus on your own life. Build strong friendships, find the things that you love to do, spend time with your children. Make as much of a life for yourself now, so that if a time comes when you have an opportunity to leave him, you'll already know who you are and what you want to be. And even if that opportunity doesn't come, you won't be wasting your life waiting.

[paperandfireworks]

Another one for build your support network now so they are there for you when you leave

[Anon4563]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I know I have to make changes and make a life for myself and my children. It’s been gradually getting worse and worse and pieces are fitting together slowly. I didn’t realise in the beginning that things were off but now looking back there were signs that I didn’t pick up on as I was young and very naive, I think first step is to get my self esteem up as it’s rock bottom right now. I’m going to start tomorrow doing some work on myself. I do need to get a support system in place. I‘ve been depressed for so long that I just keep to myself, that definitely needs to stop. I also need to stop breaking down crying infront of him, I need to get over feeling unwanted and unloved for my children’s sake at least. Thank you so much for listening.

[redastherose]

Start by separating yourself from him in your head. Treat him like a house sharer rather than a partner so you won't feel let down when he does something to upset you. Them make a plan to work on yourself, for you, start by exercising and thinking about your diet for you. You can't pour from an empty jug so look after yourself first. Every little thing you do for yourself is a step in the right direction. Then make a plan, can you do any work, or get a better job if you already work. Being financially independent is everything when you want to move your life on.

[letmethinkaboutitfornow]

OP, sorry to hear about your situation.
I know it sounds so easy to say ‘Leave him!’ But it’s not, isn’t it... I have a few friends from Muslim and Indian background who have been in similar situations.

I am with PPs who recommend:

• have a vision of what you want to achieve with a timeframe
  
• building up your self-esteem (there will be lows, but doable)
  
• building a good network around you
  
• try for financial independence (get a part time job, put money aside from grocery shopping...etc)
  
• compartmentalise from your husband
  

Good luck! 💐🤞

[bridgetreilly]

OP, it may also be worth talking to your GP about antidepressants and counselling. That doesn't have to be a long term thing, but it may help you as you start trying to turn things around.