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To be sick of being told how lucky I am

(236 Posts)
FirstTimeMummyDS88 Sun 14-Jun-20 16:00:51

Myself and DH have 2 children together DS1 is two and DS2 is 5 months and I'm really starting to get irritated with people telling me how lucky I am when're DH does something with our boys or around the house

Some examples

1. On the phone to a friend from work a few nights ago, I'm still on maternity when she asked if the boys were still up, I replied his DH had our boys to bed while I tidied up toys downstairs and her reply was "aww isn't he good doing that for you"

2. Last week I went outside to water some flowers in the front garden when a neighbour asked about the boys, I told her DH had took them out for a walk and she replied "it's nice of him to have them for you while you get a break"

3. In supermarket yesterday when the cashier must have noticed the picture i have of the boys as my phone screensaver and asked "they doing ok being stuck in?"
I told her they've been getting out almost daily walks and we're quite lucky to have a big garden so they're doing ok, she asked have I been taking them to shops and I replied no that DH was giving them lunch and putting them down for their naps while I get the shopping done. She replied "your lucky to have a Husband who babysits"

AIBU to think it's ridiculous in this day and day for people to think that a father doing his fair share of the work in raising his children means I am some sort of blessed wife who had a gift from god bestowed upon me.
He doesn't babysit, he is being a father!

I realise I'm probably being ridiculous getting annoyed by this but DS2 is teething and I've bot had much sleep and I forgot to get wine when I went shopping 😫

OP’s posts: |
Rumbletumbleinmytummy Sun 14-Jun-20 16:06:20

I'm sure people mean well, and I'm sure they're showing more about their experiences in life than what should be usual or expected.
I understand why it grates, because the kids are his equal responsibility, and that's how it should be, but it's still not what the majority of people who I know have their lives like. I know very few women who's partners take much of a parenting role of their children.

letmethinkaboutitfornow Sun 14-Jun-20 16:08:52

YABU - I know it should be the norm, however there are so many women who had very different experience with partners who are/were not helping with the kids.

It might sound annoying but likely they don’t mean it negatively (rather than being jealous and having wishful thinking about their partners would be similar)
Just smile and wave ... and watch the news if you really need something to get wind up about!

Longdistance Sun 14-Jun-20 16:11:56

Go back out to get wine, it’s essential.

My dh got up during the the night with dds when they were little the total of ✌🏼 times. He does stuff with them now they’re older and interesting 🤔

arethereanyleftatall Sun 14-Jun-20 16:14:30

This isn't something to get irritated by. Essentially, the person saying it hasn't had the experience you're having. Their experience has been of a shit father, otherwise they wouldn't say it. On the contrary, I would just have sympathy for someone who says something like this rather than get irritated by it.

PhilTheGroundhog Sun 14-Jun-20 16:16:12

My husband is the primary carer for our son as he was a SAHP (now he has his own business working from home).

Aren't I lucky that he stays home so I can go to work?

How about he's lucky that I went back full time, when I categorically did not want to, because he hated his job?

FOJN Sun 14-Jun-20 16:17:13

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If people think you're lucky do they also think you're children are lucky because their dad takes an active role in parenting?

It may not reflect other people's experience but we need to stop congratulating men for looking after their children. It should be the norm and not a noteworthy exception.

I think I'd be tempted to point out he's a father not a sperm donor.

MsVestibule Sun 14-Jun-20 16:18:10

Expectations are generally lower for fathers than mothers. Take that awful, supposedly positive, phrase 'hands on dad'. When have you ever heard of a 'hands on mum'? That's just what's expected of us!

I didn't get any of those comments but they would have got (polite) short shrift if they had.

VashtaNerada Sun 14-Jun-20 16:19:25

Jesus Fucking Christ I would not be impressed if someone said that to me! How have you managed to come across all these people?!! grin I would go with a furrowed brow and a whispered “they are his children...” as if you don’t quite understand what they’ve said.

MsVestibule Sun 14-Jun-20 16:19:25

Aren't I lucky that he stays home so I can go to work?

Do you think a single person had ever said that to a man hmm?

Pinkblueberry Sun 14-Jun-20 16:19:40

YANBU. My DH is the same and I don’t feel ‘lucky’, I just feel very sorry for those who for some reason think I am - I guess they don’t know many decent dads.

donquixotedelamancha Sun 14-Jun-20 16:21:43

This isn't something to get irritated by.

It irritates the fuck out of me. My own mother used to refer to me babysitting my kids until I asked her not to (I'm male).

I got a lot of similar comments since our childcare is more or less 50/50 and by DD2 I started giving them pretty short shrift.

converseandjeans Sun 14-Jun-20 16:21:58

YANBU as you say he's just being a parent. However there are so many threads on here where the DH does bugger all and sits on his phone/goes on long bike rides/works late/goes out with mates etc just to avoid 'helping'. As you say they're not helping - just being a parent.
There was a thread yesterday where the husband was telling a baby to fuck off just because they woke him up 🤷‍♀️ So I suppose compared to that you're lucky.

ScarfLadysBag Sun 14-Jun-20 16:24:23

YANBU. Standards for men in terms of parenting input are shockingly low. You see it on here all the time, men who have never looked after their own children for more than an hour. Bizarre.

Brefugee Sun 14-Jun-20 16:25:55

YANBU and the more we challenge this kind of stupid comment the better it will be.

JustC Sun 14-Jun-20 16:26:41

In their mind they mean well. I usually reply in a breezy way that we are lucky to have eachother, or he's not helping, he's doing his job. my favourite is 'he is lucky to have me' when I'm in a particularly bitchy mood 😁

SleepingStandingUp Sun 14-Jun-20 16:26:46

Agree op.

The question is what did you reply?

The friend : I'm riding up whilst he bets stories and cuddles. He's lucky I'm doing that for him / they're his kids, he isn't putting them to bed for ME / you know he's the father right?

The neighbour : well I'm sure he'd much rather have fun with the babies than doing the chores / well it's nice he wants to spend time with his own children, yes

The cashier: he's the Dad not the babysitter.

You shouldn't have to accept this nonsense because other people have low standards

DontTouchTheMoustache Sun 14-Jun-20 16:27:58

YANBU as of course they are his kids too so it should be expected but as PP said unfortunately in reality lots of women dont have the same experience.
I've been a single parent since just after ds was born with no help from the father

AmelieTaylor Sun 14-Jun-20 16:28:26

You have years if it to come, the ONLY thing you can change here is your response.

As others have said, YANBU in your expectation that your DH does his share of parenting, unfortunately it's not the experience a lot of women have had.

Maybe you can accept that you are lucky that your DH turned out to be one of the ones that does do his share of the parenting, because if they don't, there's fuck all you can do to make them and it's not always easy to know before you marry them
what they'll be like...

Find a reply you can live with & stick to that!

Howlongcanthisgoon Sun 14-Jun-20 16:31:28

You are lucky. My DH doesn’t do anything like enough. No signs pre kids that this would be the case. So perhaps people have lived different lives to you? You see it as normal, they see it as lucky. I think you are lucky that you see it as normal.

Tadpolesandfroglets Sun 14-Jun-20 16:31:42

I live in a very conservative, rural village. My DH is considered somewhat of an anomaly. Most husband here are farming stock and the expectation of them to have anything to do with tearing their children is almost nil. I have received countless comments about what an angel DH is because he’s changed a nappy or ‘baby sat’. I would argue you can’t actually babysit your own child! 😂 it does another me from time to time but I’m happy to put folk straight, we are a partnership and everything concerning kids is pretty much 50/ least we try,

Redcrow Sun 14-Jun-20 16:32:09

Yanbu the expectations of men around the house are shockingly low from some people

Tadpolesandfroglets Sun 14-Jun-20 16:32:45


ToastyCrumpet Sun 14-Jun-20 16:33:25

I think it shows that a lot of women have low expectations of their children's fathers, tbh. It's not a question of luck, it's possibly that they've chosen the wrong person to have kids with.

jamandtonic Sun 14-Jun-20 16:38:02

YANBU, although of course there will be some people who either have no partner, or a useless one. That might have an affect on how they respond.

I used to get really annoyed when I went out in the evening and people would say "Oh, so your DH is babysitting tonight then?"

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