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To cut off friendship(18 Posts)
I'm just looking for some clarity and honest opinions from people.
This has been bothering me for a while and I've spent a long time trying to 'analyse' this.
I've had a friend for over twenty years. This friend has to be at the centre of everything. Whilst she can be quite generous inviting us for meals and organising social events we all just fall in with the plans as it's easier. I've got other friendship groups but this particular friend has told me in the past that she doesn't like my friends so I now don't introduce her to anyone new. For context she's also told me that she doesn't like the friends of her other friend too!
I've had quite a lot of bereavement in the past few years and whilst I supported her during her difficult times I don't feel that it's been reciprocal and her DH has even apologised to me for the fact that she hasn't been that supportive.
The thing that has done it for me is this. We were at their house some months back for a meal along with a couple of their other friends. Part way through the evening she pipes up that she's heard 'some right gossip' about me from an aquaintence that she met at an evening wedding event. This was gossip that's 30 years old and basically saying that I was wild in my younger days. I hardly know the person that she heard it from and, yes I liked a good party but who didn't in their later teens?
The other couple seemed embarrassed and after I said that it was very rude of the acquaintance to gossip and her to bring it up here the other couple agreed and everything went very quiet.
Tbh I can't cope with these type of friendship. The question is aibu to knock it on the head given that I've known her all these years and our history? The fact that it's lockdown has almost made the scales fall from my eyes and see things clearer.
Thank you for reading x
She really doesn't sound like much of a friend, so I think, yeah, go ahead and phase her out x
With a "friend" like her, you don't need any enemies. She adds no value to your life, so that's how you know it's right to bin her.
When she gets in contact, does your stomach sink or do you feel joyful?
Friends are people who make us feel happy. Not people who make us feel worried or other negatives.
yes I liked a good party but who didn't in their later teens?
Urrgh...please don't do that. I hate when people generalise in a bid to justify their preference or lifestyle. If you liked a good party, you liked a good party and that's okay. Not everybody did and that's okay. Doesn't matter if everyone else didn't except you either, no one should make you feel bad for it.
I agree with what PP said especially these below.
When she gets in contact, does your stomach sink or do you feel joyful?
Friends are people who make us feel happy. Not people who make us feel worried or other negatives
She sounds selfish and untrustworthy. I'm not sure you can have a good friendship without these things.
My test of a friend is how I feel after I see them? Do I feel lifted, good about myself and my life or do I feel sad, anxious and doubtful. If it's the later this person is not a friend.
Sounds like the friendship is just a habit now, OP, rather than a connection which makes you happy. Maybe time to phase this one out.
Wow...what a nasty piece of work that woman is! She genuinely can’t like or respect you very much to say something like that in such a public way. The whole agenda was to humiliate you, surely! I really like the advice of @morriseysquif... listen to your own reaction. It’s pretty telling. I think you know already.
It sounds like she hasn't grown up much in the time you've known her. If you met her now would you be friends?
How did she react when you called her out on her comment at dinner? Did she apologise profusely & agreed with you. Or laugh it away? Did her husband suggest any reason as to why she was less than supportive before? I'm not defending but sometimes ppl have their own things going on that overwhelms & sometimes ppl just don't think. If she just is absent & dismissive of you generally then time to re-think your friendshio.
She sounds very, very similar to a woman who used to be a friend of mine.
“Used to” being the operative words. I don’t regret cutting contact with her.
I have chucked off lots of friends in my life. Friends who didn't accept me reverting to islam and were claiming I was joining some disgusting cult. I said I am still me, i am still the same person. I just want to become closer to god.
Nothing wrong with that!
Friends who have called me names in front of my child.
Friends who make ridiculous assumptions about my married life.
And a friend who I told I was converting to islam, distanced herself cos I was no longer a clubbing and pubbing partner.
Friends who said they dont approve of.me settling down so quickly yet they're the one in a failed relationship and I am going strong with 5 children and married now for almost 14 years.
I also stopped talking to my children's godmother. My husband had to take care of the children while I was in labour as there was no one else until my aunt was available later on. We were calling from the hospital begging for her to come and she chose to go to a pub with her bfs mates instead. Bearing in mind in was in slow labour for 2 days and kept her up to date from home and she said she couldn't wait. Then I got a bit fed up with her after having the baby. She would read my messages and reply 2 or 3 weeks later. She asked if we can start again and wipe the slate clean. That was 2 years ago everyone. She hasn't made one effort since. And has now apparently moved closer to our home. Literally 3 long roads away.! We were very close since children. Now I just see my husband as my best friend. We laugh our heads off together. He's very ambitious (you would need to be with 4, almost 5 children) and he's very kind and supportive. To be honest I am glad I saw the ex friends for their true colours. It's just ridiculous really. Sorry I've took over the comments with my tale of woe. Lol
As for your situation , you're better off without a friend like that. It was embarrassing what she said and if it was 30 odd years ago, who brings that up. Phase her out and move on and enjoy your other friends companies
@Sionn her DH just said well maybe Queens knows lots of gossip about acquaintance! I didn't offer any but said that I did but obviously wouldn't divulge anything, especially at a dinner party! Every just fell quiet and it was awkward for a period.
@Popsicle I'm glad that you've been able to have a rant too. We're all here for each other
Thank you everyone for your replies
Thank you everyone, you've just confirmed my own thoughts and feelings. Since Lockdown it's given me more time to think. I don't like 'dropping' people and I think that I'm a bit of a people pleaser but this is only the tip of the iceberg as she's been mean to me over the years.
One more question. How do people deal with phasing out friends without coming over as overtly harsh?
I think all you can do is keep turning her down unless you are meeting as a group with your other friends.
Just stop replying to her. Be polite if she asked how you are, but if she askes to meet up just say you already have plans. She’ll soon get the hint.
She’s a bad friend, even her DH knows it if he’s apologising on her behalf.
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