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To think this baby is my grandchild?(271 Posts)
Posting here for advice on how to handle it as I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset but I’m not sure I can just sit on my hands and ignore this. Am fully prepared to be told I’m a nosy old cow who should mind her own business.
DS was 19 in May. He has suffered from depression for years which has been worsened by the pandemic. He unfortunately smokes weed to cope with it but it just makes him worse, not that he’ll be told that. He is on furlough from his part time job and so has his own money to pay for it, I can’t stop him. All I do is ban it in my house and he’ll smoke in the local park. He has started having mental breakdowns every few weeks, panic attacks, verbal abuse etc. I have tried to get him to quit the weed and seek help but he won’t.
He had a short term girlfriend last year, from around February to July. It fizzled out and he dumped her. Other than college and work, DS hasn’t had much going on since. She was a lovely girl, I saw her often and liked her but of course she was out of our lives after the split.
Yesterday I was browsing Facebook and she came up in the “people you may know” section. I clicked her profile, not sure why I did but I think I may have been wondering how her mum was doing as she was awaiting an illness diagnosis when her and DS were together. Saw a few pictures of a newish looking baby, assumed it was a relative or a friends baby or something. But then get to a post dated mid-March, a picture of her in hospital holding a newborn and people congratulating her in the comments. As you can imagine, cogs started turning and I had a bit of a ‘hang on a minute’ moment. They split in July last year, March means baby would have been conceived just before then.
I looked (and keep looking as I am so stunned) at the pictures of this baby again and he really does resemble DS at that age. It’s uncanny. I really do think this is DS’s baby and I don’t know what to do. It’s not just going off gut feeling is it as the dates do add up. Except since the split DS hasn’t mentioned her to me at all, certainly no baby.
So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are 3 possibilities. 1. DS has no clue that this child even exists. They met online, no mutual friends so I find it possible. 2. DS has noticed/she has told him but he is avoiding it. Sadly this is something I see him doing in his current state. 3. DS and her have spoken and it’s been confirmed somehow it isn’t his.
I cannot stop thinking about the whole situation and I don’t know what to do. Can’t even look at DS knowing it’s possible he has a child out there that he is avoiding. Haven’t mentioned it to him as he hates me having anything to do with his life and will likely kick off. Have thought about messaging the girl but the last thing I want is to come in all guns blazing into this girl’s life. If there’s a possibility it’s DS’s he needs to contact her, not me.
I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle it as I’m struggling keeping it all in. As I said, I really don’t want to cause anyone any upset.
You need to talk to your DS, that's the only thing you can do.
She knows who you are and if she wanted your involvement with the baby she would have contacted you.
I know it's difficult, but it's in his hands.
You can approach her, it doesnt have to be all guns blazing, just a congratulations message and gently asking.
Even if your DS wants nothing to do with the child, you could still be a grandmother.
Talk to your DS , it may explain why he's having breakdowns.
Speak to DS and go from there.
I never would have reached out to DC’s grandmother behind their fathers back so I don’t think it is necessarily true to say you shouldn’t reach out to her depending on what your DS says.
Horrible situation for you, OP. My brother when he was younger went through an extended phase of being almost exactly how you describe your son, so I understand the issues with communication etc. I think all you can do is talk to him and try to avoid any judgement or confrontation at all because if he's likey DB was then that would just result in him shutting off completely.
Are you safe at home? When you say he kicks off, he's not violent is he?
I agree you need to talk to your ds about it to check he's aware of the possibility and take it from there.
What a difficult situation!
I would speak to DS first, see what he says.
I think, and this mightn’t be the right thing to do but I’d do it anyway, message the girl and say how you came across her page and offer congratulations and best wishes. She might not respond, but she might, and she might shed some light on the situation. If she’s young too, support might be appreciated.
If it’s safe for you to do so I would speak to him about it. It could be why he ended the relationship if she was pregnant and wanted to keep it. It could be the reason he’s been behaving like he is etc
You can mention it to your DS, but that’s all your can do.
The mother knows you and knows how to contact you; she hasn’t, so she’s decided she doesn’t want any contact with you and you need to respect that. That’s all there is to it.
I think in your situation you need to talk to DS first. If you don't get any satisfactory answers I think I'd message the girl he was dating and just gently ask if the baby could be DSs.
She could have slept with someone else and this information may be harmful to your son.
She can contact you if and when she wants, assuming it is in fact your grandchild.
They are adults, as sad as that is for you, you have to accept that. As a parent, if my child had a child I would have reached out to the other grandparent even if the father wanted nothing to do with the child.
Your son needs help but you can only nudge him.
This must be dreadfulOP. My heart goes out to you
My take on this would be
1) start by asking DS and see what his response is
2) if he refuses to engage then contact his ex, congratulate her and ask in a polite and cautious way.
1 - talk to DS
If you don’t like/believe what you’re hearing 2 - talk to EX.
‘Hi EX, I hope you’re well! Huge congratulations on your baby... I had no idea just stumbled across your Facebook & wanted to see how you were doing. Please don’t take this the wrong way & apologies if I am wrong but is there a possibility the baby is DS’s? Lots of love to you & take care. X’
I would ask DS casually, say something like her profile popped up.
See where that conversation takes you, then message her directly.
I would speak to your son first, see what he knows.
Really don't message and ask that, you could cause trouble for her.
Maybe there was a crossover between your ds and a new guy which has caused tension and you popping up uninvited would make it worse again.
Maybe your ds and her have come to an agreement already and dont want your involvement.
It's possible she could be in an abusive relationship and you messaging asking if the baby is your grandchild could cause a world of trouble.
It's also possible your ds may have been emotionally/physically abusive to her and she wishes to have nothing to do with any of you.
There are 100 scenarios here, a lot of which will bring heartache and pain to a new mum who may already be struggling.
She knows where you are if she wants contact.
Maybe why they split up your son wanted her to have an abortion and she didnt?
I bet he already knows and that’s what’s causing his breakdowns plus the drugs.
My nieces ex has done this. He has told my niece his mum was dying of cancer and didn’t want to stress her out. It was false and they met on line too.
She’s probably been looking at your profile that’s why she’s on the ‘friends you may know’ list.
Speak to your son first. See what he says then message her regardless what he says as he will probably lie anyway.
I’d 100% want to know if I had a grandchild.
‘Hi love, seen you on facebook and had a quick look as I always thought you were lovely. Seen you had a beautiful new baby and wondered if it might be xxxxx baby too. If not please forgive me for being an nosy old bat. Lots of love xxx
In the kindest way, do you think that your son would be a positive influence in this little baby's life? Reading your OP, I can absolutely see why the girl in question would have quietly disappeared from his life to have the baby.
Please don't inject an extremely mentally ill and violent weed addict into this baby's life and impose him on that poor woman.
The baby won't save him, he will endanger the baby and her. In your position, I would pretend I never clicked the link, keep my mouth shut and have a mental health assessment for my son.
I wondered also if they split because she cheated and it’s someone else’s baby?
I can’t imagine how you’re feeling in this position, part of me think you should stay out and part of me really wants you to reach out to him.
Either way I wouldn’t contact her until I had more answers.
I bet he already knows and that’s what’s causing his breakdownsplusthe drugs
It's been going on for years though.
Unfortunately, having seen this sort of thing before, associated with weed, it is often sadly schizophrenia associated. I would be extremely concerned about re-involving him in this young woman's life, and her baby's.
It could also be that the pregnancy revealed that she was not faithful to your DS.
I don't think the 'likeness' thing is at all relevant, sorry. How often do we hear doting relatives exclaiming that baby looks THE SPIT of X, only for the other side to be just as determined that baby follows their side.
Given his spikiness, I would raise this and watch carefully for a reaction.
'You'll never guess who I thought I saw yesterday/last week!' (insert plausible situation) - Lucy!'
Personally I think that if your DS knows she's had a baby and it's his/is possibly his, I reckon you will know INSTANTLY from even the most quickly-buried reaction. Instantly. He'll want to know if you saw her with her baby, for a start.
So that will very, very likely answer part of it.
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